Life, One Chapter at a Time

[psluke]

So WHY do I have such a hard time letting go of things???????????

I believe that is a part of why it is so difficult for me to deal with death. I have not yet lost anyone close to me and that is not something I think is going to go well.

But when my horse died, I beat myself up, I asked WHY, I kept thinking if only, and wanting to reach into the past and change things!

I hope this is something the C can give me some ideas on how to change in myself.

I went through three boxes of videos last night that had been moved. My mom and niece boxed them up and in his ugly mood last Monday D said I had taken his videos. Nothing is of course labeled.

I do have some of them, but all he would have had to do was send an e-mail. I certainly didn't take them on purpose and I have been returning anything I find of his as I unpack boxes.

He looks like a kid on them! He was only 25 when he met J. I don't know at what time frame after that the first A started. But I bet that is why she left such a lasting impression!!!

He hadn't been out of college long. Had moved into his own apartment, finally had some free time and got a dog he was taking to dog training classes. From the look of it he was pretty active. By the time I met him all he did was sit in a chair beside J and hold other people's dogs. Heck I didn't know if he had ever trained a dog! He did and he assisted in teaching classes as well.

I could pick his handling apart on the tape, but he is awesome at critiquing someone else and people did ask him to run them through a routine fairly often.

The lady he works with had taped him at his apartment when he first got his camcorder and listening to him he seems like the person I thought he was. Last night I wondered if he maybe truly lost himself during his first affair, ended up with me on the rebound and then back with her and has no idea who in the heck he is anymore!!!!!!

I know something I struggled with and occasionally still do is how the person I thought I was could end up in an affair. Well, he has two broken marriages and his own marriage broken to deal with along with having the affairs and I STILL DON'T think that is the person he really is or the person he has always seen himself as being.

His dad told me when we moved D out of his apartment into our house that he thought D had been depressed. I am willing to bet he had been after J dumped him. I'm not sure he isn't still a bit depressed, but it is buried beneath the new in love feelings.

I know, I know, I HAVE TO LET THIS GO!!!!!!!!!!

That is my problem, until I feel I figure things out I suck at letting go.