So WHY do I have such a hard time letting go of things???????????
I believe that is a part of why it is so difficult for me to deal with death. I have not yet lost anyone close to me and that is not something I think is going to go well.
But when my horse died, I beat myself up, I asked WHY, I kept thinking if only, and wanting to reach into the past and change things!
I hope this is something the C can give me some ideas on how to change in myself.
I went through three boxes of videos last night that had been moved. My mom and niece boxed them up and in his ugly mood last Monday D said I had taken his videos. Nothing is of course labeled.
I do have some of them, but all he would have had to do was send an e-mail. I certainly didn't take them on purpose and I have been returning anything I find of his as I unpack boxes.
He looks like a kid on them! He was only 25 when he met J. I don't know at what time frame after that the first A started. But I bet that is why she left such a lasting impression!!!
He hadn't been out of college long. Had moved into his own apartment, finally had some free time and got a dog he was taking to dog training classes. From the look of it he was pretty active. By the time I met him all he did was sit in a chair beside J and hold other people's dogs. Heck I didn't know if he had ever trained a dog! He did and he assisted in teaching classes as well.
I could pick his handling apart on the tape, but he is awesome at critiquing someone else and people did ask him to run them through a routine fairly often.
The lady he works with had taped him at his apartment when he first got his camcorder and listening to him he seems like the person I thought he was. Last night I wondered if he maybe truly lost himself during his first affair, ended up with me on the rebound and then back with her and has no idea who in the heck he is anymore!!!!!!
I know something I struggled with and occasionally still do is how the person I thought I was could end up in an affair. Well, he has two broken marriages and his own marriage broken to deal with along with having the affairs and I STILL DON'T think that is the person he really is or the person he has always seen himself as being.
His dad told me when we moved D out of his apartment into our house that he thought D had been depressed. I am willing to bet he had been after J dumped him. I'm not sure he isn't still a bit depressed, but it is buried beneath the new in love feelings.
I know, I know, I HAVE TO LET THIS GO!!!!!!!!!!
That is my problem, until I feel I figure things out I suck at letting go.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Just got home from the doctor's appointment and apparently there was a mis communication between the office girl and I.
The doctor said the 50 mg. every other day is not really good. That isn't what I was supposed to go too! Just enough to probably keep me messed up.
I am going back to 50 mg. every day for now as we discussed everything I have going on right now and felt that would be best.
Next time I am ready to try to step it down I think I will go in and personally talk with her rather than make a phone call!
We are doing blood work to check several things, thyroid being one and my hormones to see if they indicate any changes yet. Told her I just don't feel good a lot of the time now and constantly have head aches. She seemed to think possibly the dosage and the way I was taking the Zoloft could be affecting how I feel as well as stress.
This afternoon is my dentist appointment and then tonight I see the C again. I still haven't done my homework!
I am hoping to get my eyes checked during this week as well.
Might as well get it all done if I can.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Pam -- Glad to hear that you got to the dr's and that you've gotten some clarity about the dosage. I don't know the first thing about AD's but maybe you were putting yourself into a mini-withdrawal each "off" day? ugh.
anyway, good for you for taking your health into your hands!!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: AD's but maybe you were putting yourself into a mini-withdrawal each "off" day? ugh.
That is pretty much what her description sounded like. That 50 mg. is too high of a dosage to go to every other day on. There should have been a step down to 25 mg. and then a step down to every other day!!!!!!!!!
And this may be why I have felt so ick. Plus I had started this the same week I had the incident with J. My doctor thought that could have had some effect.
Just talked with my A's wife and they have more info from J's insurance. She said my A will probably call me tomorrow with the info and discuss how to handle everything.
I have my home equity loan now so hopefully can just get this paid and taken care of! That still leaves having to deal with the criminal charges from the incident but hopefully the fact that I have paid for her repairs will help out there!
I also got another bill from my first A. Gee she sucked.
She didn't do anything in the D that I couldn't have done and I actually had to type up a lot of the stuff as her office messed it up. Then she lets me agree to not pushing for D to pay A fees and now sends me this bill.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Gee Miss Pam! You really are leaving us in the dark here!!
According to my records...you STILL haven't done your homework. ...SOOOOOOOOO
What do YOU like about YOU?
Just like Sage I could tell you what I like about you but I think the point is for you to figure out what you like about you...These are/can be very different.
No use avoiding it.... I'm gonna keep checking back to see what you come up with
Actually I STILL have not done my homework! I told her so tonight when I went in for my session. She said you mean you can't just sit there and tell me one thing you like about yourself? I said no, but when I'm in the right mood I am sure I can come up with something. She said that is sad and must be difficult to live that way. I said well, it does make it hard to accept that people genuinuely like you if you don't like yourself and I'm sure it didn't help D and I's relationship any either.
We talked about D some and she said that he sounds, based on what I have told her, like someone who hasn't figured out his own self identity, so it probably didn't all happen to him to lose himself in our marriage.
She also said J doesn't sound too healthy either.
Said she hates to see me keep beating myself up over what did I do wrong in my marriage when it was two of us and that if we were to have reconciled it would not have been healthy for either of us if he hadn't also done lots of self introspection and work on himself.
It helps to have her say it wasn't all my fault! D always made it out to be all my problem.
I still leave my sessions feeling I was all over the place and yet didn't cover any ground either! I am not sure how to improve that for next time. The sessions are 45 minutes and I talk too much I guess I need to write out what I want to cover before I ever get there and then stick to it. But sometimes when we digress I discover something I had no idea of. So what do I do?
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hiya Pam - For what its worth, I like you for your kindness to the rest of us here - you always have a positive word, just the encouragement we need to keep going. I know I have personally been saved anguish by the fact that you were around.
...SOOOOOOOOO 
