Life, One Chapter at a Time

[psluke]

Do you mean that you should have stopped wanting him to come back? or do you truly mean that you would have stopped loving him, wishing him well, having compassion, etc?

IMHO, the first one takes a long, long time perhaps...and maybe it ebbs and flows...and hopefully someday you look up and say to yourself "I would NOT choose this r. if offered to me on a silver platter." (this R as it stands today and in fairly recent past...but that isn't what you're mourning, is it Pam? You're mourning the things that you MISS because they were positive, right?)

I think you are right, it does ebb and flow and my feelings of caring and wishing him well ebb and flow as well. Interspersed with feelings of anger and intense hurt still that he could do this to us.

Yes, I miss the fun positive stuff that he and I used to do. The good times we used to have.

In the beginning even though we were both older, me 36, him 34 we seemed silly, giddy and so in love. No common sense apparently.

When the anger does come now it is because I am picturing he and J doing the things he and I did at Christmas when we were in love. That is also when the most hurt comes. The anger and hurt seem to be the same coin. Always together.

I know this is going to sound petty and possibly isn't true. But if he had just left, with no J in the picture and if there wasn't a J in the picture right now, I feel I could truly wish him well. At least most of the time. I still, at least up to just two days before the incident did caring things for him and silly as it sounds, (when someone hates you and wishes you in jail), I still care about him and his health and well being. To me that sounds like no logic or common sense on my part.

If he can "hate" me why can't I at least turn off my caring for him?

Did you come up with your "burning ember" story yourself? I use it LOTS of times when I am working on self talking myself out of the angry feelings towards he and J. It is great!

You are helping a great deal, for me this is sort of what I was hoping to get out of my C sessions. Assistance in the processing of all the confusing emotions I am still trying to deal with and put in appropriate places for me to move on in a healthy way and not like I did after my first D.

Thank you a great deal for helping me walk through these emotions.