Getting PK ready to sell is going to be rough on me emotionally I know that, but at least if I can try to stay focused on it as a project maybe it won't be quite as rough.
Quote: I don't think it's at ALL "ditzy and emotional" to not be able to just turn on the "hate machine". I'd actually feel a bit if you could!
But after all of this time of him being gone and being with J, shouldn't I by now have stopped caring about him????????
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: But after all of this time of him being gone and being with J, shouldn't I by now have stopped caring about him????????
Do you mean that you should have stopped wanting him to come back? or do you truly mean that you would have stopped loving him, wishing him well, having compassion, etc?
IMHO, the first one takes a long, long time perhaps...and maybe it ebbs and flows...and hopefully someday you look up and say to yourself "I would NOT choose this r. if offered to me on a silver platter." (this R as it stands today and in fairly recent past...but that isn't what you're mourning, is it Pam? You're mourning the things that you MISS because they were positive, right?)
The second one? well, here's my wish for myself if my h should decide to leave...I hope that I am eventually able to wish him love, happiness and peace in his new life (yah, I know, but I gotta aim high!). The hate machine I spoke of only does a disservice to YOU, not him. Remember the "burning ember" story I told you? If you cling to your hatred/hurts but then think of them as burning embers, you see who gets hurt the most by them.
Is this helping? I think you have made amazing strides. It doesn't surprise me one bit that you still hurt when you are with him. That's the kind of loving, caring person you are!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: Do you mean that you should have stopped wanting him to come back? or do you truly mean that you would have stopped loving him, wishing him well, having compassion, etc?
IMHO, the first one takes a long, long time perhaps...and maybe it ebbs and flows...and hopefully someday you look up and say to yourself "I would NOT choose this r. if offered to me on a silver platter." (this R as it stands today and in fairly recent past...but that isn't what you're mourning, is it Pam? You're mourning the things that you MISS because they were positive, right?)
I think you are right, it does ebb and flow and my feelings of caring and wishing him well ebb and flow as well. Interspersed with feelings of anger and intense hurt still that he could do this to us.
Yes, I miss the fun positive stuff that he and I used to do. The good times we used to have.
In the beginning even though we were both older, me 36, him 34 we seemed silly, giddy and so in love. No common sense apparently.
When the anger does come now it is because I am picturing he and J doing the things he and I did at Christmas when we were in love. That is also when the most hurt comes. The anger and hurt seem to be the same coin. Always together.
I know this is going to sound petty and possibly isn't true. But if he had just left, with no J in the picture and if there wasn't a J in the picture right now, I feel I could truly wish him well. At least most of the time. I still, at least up to just two days before the incident did caring things for him and silly as it sounds, (when someone hates you and wishes you in jail), I still care about him and his health and well being. To me that sounds like no logic or common sense on my part.
If he can "hate" me why can't I at least turn off my caring for him?
Did you come up with your "burning ember" story yourself? I use it LOTS of times when I am working on self talking myself out of the angry feelings towards he and J. It is great!
You are helping a great deal, for me this is sort of what I was hoping to get out of my C sessions. Assistance in the processing of all the confusing emotions I am still trying to deal with and put in appropriate places for me to move on in a healthy way and not like I did after my first D.
Thank you a great deal for helping me walk through these emotions.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Pam - I think there are two kinds of love in a marriage. One is a "selfish" love - the part that wants the spouse to love you to make you feel good, that's angry if they don't give you that love that makes you feel good. This is often the place where the anger of betrayal comes from - they went away and took away those good feelings you got from being loved by them. Holding on to the "selfish" love isn't good for you, or particularly helpful to DBing efforts either for that matter. "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself" is connected to this. Some of your continued "love" for D is really just connected to this pain and maybe to the fact that you haven't quite built your life up to the point yet where you are receiving those good feelings from others.
Then there's another kind of love - unconditional love. When a parent has a child who misbehaves, you don't stop loving them. You may be angry with them, you may enforce consequences for their behavior - but you still love them, even when they stamp their feet and say "I hate you!". I think some of what you describe feeling for D falls into this category - that despite the awful way he has betrayed you, you are still concerned about his welfare and happiness - a kind of "selfless" love.
The trick, of course, is to free yourself of the "selfish" love, while allowing yourself to continue to feel the "selfless" love. Feeling the "selfish" love will only hold you back and keep you in the drama and the mud; feeling the "selfless" love does not hold you back or bring you down.
It is so much easier to do this when you fill the holes in your life, wherever they are, so that you no longer feel like you "need" your spouse or ex to fill those spaces for you.
In my opinion, as long as you keep up the negative self talk of, "I'm too old to fall in love again" you'll never allow yourself to be open to the possibility and will remain depressed.
Really, think about it, isn't that a terribly depressing thought?
But it's a false thought.
There is nothing stopping you from healing yourself and your life, becoming a whole, strong independent woman and then finding someone whom you can have a healthy relationship with.
My Gramps is 85, widowed two years ago and is dating.
The thought of never falling in love again doesn't depress me all the time. Just when I am thinking of and missing D. I sort of think that more time and distance from that R will heal those feelings.
Most of the time I feel very complete doing activities with the shelties and my friends. Reading the bb at times bothers me as it reminds me that I don't have a relationship anymore. But it is usually out of sight out of mind unless something reminds me of it.
I ABSOLUTELY plan to heal myself. I don't think I healed from the first D but this one I AM going to heal from. That is something I am very determined to do! Which is a big part of why I am seeing a C again.
I guess I have not stated things totally accurately. I am actually NOT interested in another R, but that doesn't stop me from sometimes missing what is gone. Hope that makes sense.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I really think the holiday makes it a bit tougher, sort of driving home the point of being alone now. I know D wasn't around last Christmas either, but last Christmas I was still hopeful that he might decide to come home.
Some of the Christmas music doesn't exactly help either.
Trying to get focused on the fact that tomorrow Shara and I are taking off for Evansville for a herding lesson.
I should have been working her on her sits and waits, but seems there has been so much going on and I haven't been as motivated as I should be!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you...I've been so busy at work and wrapped up in my own mess that I havent posted to you for ages, but I did read back through your thread and I'm so sorry that things are tough for you right now. I agree, the holidays are hard, and it must be especially so for you.
Take care, I'm thinking of you, and will try to touch base soon.
if you could! 
