Just got the results back on Breeze's culture. Now we know why we couldn't get her well!
Here is the e-mail from my vet. She definitely got a smile from me.
Never did hear from the C.
Pam, I wanted to let you know that we got the culture report in 5 minutes ago. There is a reason we can't get her cleared up, she has 2 particularly nasty bugs that are resistant to most antibiotics!!!! One antibiotic will kill one but not the other. Amoxicillin doesn't get either one. THey don't check specifically for Orbax but for Baytril which is in the same class, and it gets one but not the other. Clavamox gets one, we can switch the Amoxi for that and maybe switch the Orbax for Baytril to get a little different medicine in her. If you want I can mail those to you.
We have taken a poll in the office and think David should be neutered. And C will perform the procedure with a rusty scalpel. You don't even want to know what J wants to do!!!!!!!!
Yes, you know I will take Breeze. And C will take FB. I will draw up an unofficial document and we can sign it, mail it to you to sign and have notarized or witnessed by an attorney, whatever we have to do.
Do you want me to fax the culture results?
Talk to you soon, L (hope we made you smile a little)
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Today was a rough one to ride out. But I don't seem to be able to get through this cr*p any other way.
I really hate feeling like this and I think it was trigered by seeing D both Monday and Tuesday and talking with the realtor about getting PK ready to sell.
I think I had just been trying to put D and PK out of my mind and focus on the good things going on and the future.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Well, that will teach me! Just lost a really long post and I almost always do them in the word processor first.
Quote: The simple fact that YOU saw it as a necessity and did something about it is a great, great thing, Pam. Being in the sitch and NOT doing something about it is much worse, imho.
Sage
I agree. I think I handled this time much differently. I called the doctors office. I called my A's wife and directly discussed being upset rather than do the drama crap to get help. I also left a vm just asking my C to call that I was having a rough day. Not my usual drama when looking for help to deal with my emotional garbage. At least not like in the past. Even when I did post it was much more direct I think.
I took a nap after getting home and taking care of the kids as I was wiped out.
Afterwards I did lots of processing and I think I may have finally made some major steps for myself. I do plan to discuss this with my C when I see her on Monday.
This isn't the first time I have had the suicidal thoughts but I haven't posted about them, just sit with them as they aren't real but are a fantasy where I would be able to see the results, not the selfish ones of my family but the ones that I hope it would in some way cause D to feel shame and remorse for what he has done. So the thoughts are partly my desire for revenge? Or justification. Not really sure what the proper word would be here.
They also seem to come when I am feeling swamped and are a desire to escape when I feel I can no longer deal with whatever is going on in my life. I believe one area that I need to focus on is to find ways to deal with stress, hopefully BEFORE I start to feel swamped!
But I did dig hard at the thoughts and feelings behind the surface ones this time. I asked myself what if next week at the doctors I was diagnosed with a fatal illness how would I feel? That gave me the answer once and for all, it isn't about dying it is about escaping and/or still trying to force D to feel something. So one major rope that I apparently have not dropped. I can't cause him to feel regret or shame for what he has done. He either will or he won't depending on what he himself decides.
For me seeing him and dealing with his anger and also the realtor about getting PK ready to sell, feels like it drug me back into the muck that I was, (somewhat successfully I believe), climbing out of!
I have decided the only way I can look at PK is as a project that I need to do the best job I can do on it and in the most economical way to be able to pay my dad back hopefully!
D is my past and there are good memories and bad memories, but that is the way with most things in the past. They just need to be thoughts I don't dwell on. He did teach me that I am much more trusting of what I see on the surface in people than I probably should be. But as far as I know I have never met anyone who has such a total opposite side to them than the one presented. That is of course hard to judge if you never see the person's other side. I am a bit of an open book and I suppose I look at most people as being the same way! THEY AREN'T!!!!!!!! I know I keep dwelling on how different D can be. I wish you guys could meet him and see the person that he presents. You would never ever think of him as someone that would have affairs and sneak around. He presents such a preppy, logical, all together nice guy front. That is why when the club was talking about he and J the first time I actually didn't believe it, just thought it was gossip.
I think he works at keeping that image in place and I would guess that is the way he actually thinks of himself. But he is aware enough that his actions would not be actions his family would approve of that he went ballistic when I sent them an e-mail and let them know this is his third affair with a married woman. So maybe no personal shame but doesn't want the family to expect him to feel shame either? Not really sure what that means and probably will never know as that is his thinking process and not something I am privy to knowing.
I believe and hope that digging into these depressed and suicidal feelings deeper will lay this ghost to rest for me from now on. That and some ideas in place to help deal with stress before it swamps me. Now to come up with the ideas to have them ready to put into place when needed!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: Yes, you know I will take Breeze. And C will take FB.
For clarification something I did used to always keep lined up is a home I felt would be a good place for my kids if something were to ever happen to me. Neither my first H nor D would have wanted or probably had any idea of how to take care of the kids.
At least one of the friends that chose to side with D and the one having the affair with him was a home for some of my kids. So I am working on lining them up places again, especially now as I live alone. Before a surviving spouse could have placed them or cared for them till homes were found.
My vet has agreed to take the 16 year old with kidney problems and right now the raging sinus infection that we have been fighting off and on since July.
Her office girl has agreed to take FB. I knew she jokingly said she would take him but I wanted to know if she was serious so I had a concrete home lined up.
I also told her D yelled and told me he hopes I go to jail, that is why the neutering comment. I don't want any of the shells to go to D if something were to happen!
No, I am not planning anything, just this is something I always used to do.
I looked into those loving, trusting eyes and I could never deliberately take their mother away from them. They have lost enough in their lifetime.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I think it shows responsibility on your part to make sure your kids are taken care of.
One of the first things Husband and I talked about once we found out I was pregnant was setting up Godparents.
It's just the right thing to do.
I'm glad you are doing your best to put your suicidal fantasy to rest.
And I agree with Ellie, get your thyroid checked. I know you have called your docs and are waiting to hear back...so I'm proud of you for doing that.
I also agree with Ellie that it doesn't sound like you are ready to be off Zoloft. I hope you can get that resolved with your doc.
Finally, as far as being shocked that there is something else besides the 'nice' face presented by D. I think a lot of us here had the same shock when the bomb dropped. This person we all thought we knew so well, seemed to turn into an instant stranger. The alien analogy helped me with that.
I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in your struggles with that.
Gee, still much better today but it doesn't take much to throw me off kilter right now.
Got a brief e-mail from D just stating he would like to make swap on some Christmas stuff that I had asked him if he would be interested in making. Just that contact, which is almost the same as nothing, stirs up feelings.
WHY the heck can't I just hate him? I think that would be much easier to live with! Because I'm ditzy and emotional and he was my whole world?
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
When I am having a down morning they are the reason I get up. They pile on top of me and just love me to pieces till I give in and get up to feed them!!!
I think that is good you have Godparents set up.
I'm glad too, I am tired of it and it is depressing as heck and it isn't real anyway so it certainly doesn't need to be depressing me!
I definitely plan to ask the doctor about checking my thyroid and checking my hormones to see if I am starting through the change. Might be the explaination of why I feel so bad sometimes.
The thing about the Zoloft is I had these kinds of thoughts while I was on the 100 mg as well. If I were sure I still needed to be on it I would stay on it for a bit longer. I most definitely intend to discuss it with the doctor to see what she thinks.
Thank you for letting me know I'm not struggling alone with the two faces of D. I know it won't really matter as our contact is almost finished. But for peace in my mind I think is why I am still wrestling with it.
Thank you for the hugs. I have missed them!
Enjoy your birthday tomorrow.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
While I was doing all the thinking last night and not able to sleep I got up and checked the bb and my e-mail.
Had this from a lady that lives out of state. She is the lady I have been taking herding lessons from with Shara. I have loosely known her for several years but not as in a best friend chat a lot way. But she does know about what all has gone on for me.
Let it go for 2005...by T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains . LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge . LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .. LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.... LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ... LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need
to...
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2005!!! LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's!"
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: I agree. I think I handled this time much differently. I called the doctors office. I called my A's wife and directly discussed being upset rather than do the drama crap to get help. I also left a vm just asking my C to call that I was having a rough day. Not my usual drama when looking for help to deal with my emotional garbage. At least not like in the past. Even when I did post it was much more direct I think.
I love that you can see how well you handled this!
Quote: Afterwards I did lots of processing and I think I may have finally made some major steps for myself. I do plan to discuss this with my C when I see her on Monday.
GREAT! I look forward to hearing anything that you're comfortable sharing!
Quote: This isn't the first time I have had the suicidal thoughts but I haven't posted about them, just sit with them as they aren't real but are a fantasy where I would be able to see the results, not the selfish ones of my family but the ones that I hope it would in some way cause D to feel shame and remorse for what he has done. So the thoughts are partly my desire for revenge? Or justification. Not really sure what the proper word would be here.
I definitely think that I know what you mean. And I'm very glad that you are able to distinguish real from fantasy.
Quote: I believe one area that I need to focus on is to find ways to deal with stress, hopefully BEFORE I start to feel swamped!
VERY wise! It really seems like you're "seeing" stuff so clearly...and I think that will help you identify "oh, I'm feeling stressed" feelings sooner!
Quote: I have decided the only way I can look at PK is as a project that I need to do the best job I can do on it and in the most economical way to be able to pay my dad back hopefully!
Excellent! I know it's not easy...so I think you should be very proud that you've figured out this logical way of handling it!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I think I handled this time much differently. I called the doctors office. I called my A's wife and directly discussed being upset rather than do the drama crap to get help. I also left a vm just asking my C to call that I was having a rough day. Not my usual drama when looking for help to deal with my emotional garbage. At least not like in the past. 
if you could!