Life, One Chapter at a Time

[psluke]

Well, that will teach me! Just lost a really long post and I almost always do them in the word processor first.

The simple fact that YOU saw it as a necessity and did something about it is a great, great thing, Pam. Being in the sitch and NOT doing something about it is much worse, imho.

Sage

I agree. I think I handled this time much differently. I called the doctors office. I called my A's wife and directly discussed being upset rather than do the drama crap to get help. I also left a vm just asking my C to call that I was having a rough day. Not my usual drama when looking for help to deal with my emotional garbage. At least not like in the past.
Even when I did post it was much more direct I think.

I took a nap after getting home and taking care of the kids as I was wiped out.

Afterwards I did lots of processing and I think I may have finally made some major steps for myself. I do plan to discuss this with my C when I see her on Monday.

This isn't the first time I have had the suicidal thoughts but I haven't posted about them, just sit with them as they aren't real but are a fantasy where I would be able to see the results, not the selfish ones of my family but the ones that I hope it would in some way cause D to feel shame and remorse for what he has done. So the thoughts are partly my desire for revenge? Or justification. Not really sure what the proper word would be here.

They also seem to come when I am feeling swamped and are a desire to escape when I feel I can no longer deal with whatever is going on in my life. I believe one area that I need to focus on is to find ways to deal with stress, hopefully BEFORE I start to feel swamped!

But I did dig hard at the thoughts and feelings behind the surface ones this time. I asked myself what if next week at the doctors I was diagnosed with a fatal illness how would I feel? That gave me the answer once and for all, it isn't about dying it is about escaping and/or still trying to force D to feel something. So one major rope that I apparently have not dropped. I can't cause him to feel regret or shame for what he has done. He either will or he won't depending on what he himself decides.

For me seeing him and dealing with his anger and also the realtor about getting PK ready to sell, feels like it drug me back into the muck that I was, (somewhat successfully I believe), climbing out of!

I have decided the only way I can look at PK is as a project that I need to do the best job I can do on it and in the most economical way to be able to pay my dad back hopefully!

D is my past and there are good memories and bad memories, but that is the way with most things in the past. They just need to be thoughts I don't dwell on. He did teach me that I am much more trusting of what I see on the surface in people than I probably should be. But as far as I know I have never met anyone who has such a total opposite side to them than the one presented. That is of course hard to judge if you never see the person's other side. I am a bit of an open book and I suppose I look at most people as being the same way! THEY AREN'T!!!!!!!! I know I keep dwelling on how different D can be. I wish you guys could meet him and see the person that he presents. You would never ever think of him as someone that would have affairs and sneak around. He presents such a preppy, logical, all together nice guy front. That is why when the club was talking about he and J the first time I actually didn't believe it, just thought it was gossip.

I think he works at keeping that image in place and I would guess that is the way he actually thinks of himself. But he is aware enough that his actions would not be actions his family would approve of that he went ballistic when I sent them an e-mail and let them know this is his third affair with a married woman. So maybe no personal shame but doesn't want the family to expect him to feel shame either? Not really sure what that means and probably will never know as that is his thinking process and not something I am privy to knowing.

I believe and hope that digging into these depressed and suicidal feelings deeper will lay this ghost to rest for me from now on. That and some ideas in place to help deal with stress before it swamps me. Now to come up with the ideas to have them ready to put into place when needed!