Life, One Chapter at a Time

[psluke]

Well, I think I dug harder into these feelings last night than I ever have before.

I don't think I really want to die, that is why I have never really figured out a way to accomplish it.

I think it is more the depression and the small hope that in some way that is the only thing that might touch D and cause him to feel some regret and shame for what he has done.

I know logically even if I achieved what I would hope, I would never know it and is that all my life is worth? Right now it feels like that is all my life is worth, but there have definitely been times lately that it hasn't felt that way.

I think his ugliness Monday, his total lack of respect by having J at PK, plus the fact that he only doesn't want his family to know about his affairs, (best I can figure is he has no personal feelings of shame, but knows that isn't what his family might think), and then yesterday, we actually out of habit I would assume played off of each others words in a joking way once or twice. So sort of like old times only with the depressing things the realtor was saying about our house and the fact that the only reason we were there together is to see what she did have to say about getting our house ready to sell.

I think it is probably I am just swamped with stress right now and can't see the end of the tunnel.