Life, One Chapter at a Time

[Livnlearn]

Just curious, how old are you Pam?

I hope you aren't too old for life?

You wouldn't be starting over, you would be continuing from where you are now!

I hope you aren't going to sit down right now and write a depressing script for your life and then stick to it?????

Also remember, you have to make your luck!

Livnlearn

[psluke]

Hi LNL,

I'm 43 this year and sometimes I do feel too old for life.

Sometimes I am very happy and content feeling with the shelties and I.

I think just seeing and talking with D sometimes brings up the fun, loving memories of what an R can be like and then is when my future looks very empty and lonely.

I know it isn't. I do have friends who care and I will enjoy doing things with the shelties. Hopefully most of the time those other thoughts will not be at the forefront.

T the guy in the wheelchair with the awesome attitude tried to get me to meet him for dinner tonight. He knows I have had a rough couple of days. We e-mail some during the work day. I am glad G introduced me to him because his optimism is sometimes contagious.

[psluke]

Well, I definitely believe I am depressed. Seems all I do is sleep or want to sleep. I kept thinking I was trying to catch up on rest because of having been under so much stress for so long. But a thought I have and have never understood, even brought it up to my first C and she never really had any thoughts on it, but it doesn't seem to be triggered by doing or necessarily thinking anything that I can identify. I just suddenly have the thought go through my head that I want to go home. I may even BE at home when I have it. I shared that with D way back before we were even in counseling and he said he thought that sometimes also.

I wonder if it isn't an actual physical place I want to be, but more back to a time when my life had less responsibility and stress in it. That is the only answer I have came up with so far.

I KNOW in a logical thinking way that things are not too bad in my life. I obviously have no idea yet if I am going to end up in jail or what over the J thing and it certainly didn't help any to have D say Monday that he hopes I end up in jail. So that mess is there and then there is PK that needs something done with it.

Even when I was on the 100 mg of Zoloft it didn't prevent me from having these feelings so I don't know if going back on a higher dose than I am on now would do any good or not. Right now I am on 50 mg every other day, which was the last step before actually stop taking it.

[kml]

Pam -
the sleeping can definitely be a sign of clinical depression and I think it is telling you pretty clearly that you should not be off your medications right now. Please talk to your doctor about increasing your dose again. I know it's expensive but the consequences of depression are more expensive.

Also - ask your doctor to check you for other physical causes - especially your thyroid. When mine is even a little off, I start passing out at 8:00 every night.

Ellie

[psluke]

Hi Ellie,

I just called and made an appointment with my doctor for next week. They asked why and I said I just don't feel good most of the time and want to see if there is a physical reason or it is depression or stress. I also told them I want to discuss my anti depressant.

I'm sure this will be a talk with her and then schedule to come back for any blood work or anything else she feels she needs to do.

Just also called my A's wife and talked with her for a bit. She is graduating tomorrow night and has a degree in counseling now.

I cried a bit on the phone with her and it acutally seems to have relieved some of the feelings. I think to some extent I hold them in too much.

I think I am also going to check into one of the lights you talked about. Not sure if I can just get a bulb to go in one of my lamps or it needs to be a whole light.

They haven't heard anything else on my case yet. That is also a stress just sitting out there although my A's wife keeps saying the longer we go and don't hear anything the better.

[sage]

I just called and made an appointment with my doctor for next week. They asked why and I said I just don't feel good most of the time and want to see if there is a physical reason or it is depression or stress. I also told them I want to discuss my anti depressant.

Pam,

I am ENORMOUSLY proud of you for picking up the phone and making the appointment! Way to go, girlfriend!

I'm sorry you're under so much stress right now. I really hope you get closure on the accident, soon.

Sage

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

It was really not optional. I suppose this has been slowly building but I am just really aware of it so strong this week.

I am barely functional. If the shelties didn't get me up I'm not sure I would get up.

I have tried several times to reach my C but can't get hold of anyone at their office.

[sage]

Pam --

I am barely functional. If the shelties didn't get me up I'm not sure I would get up.

well...this is mighty concerning! can you chat with your neighbor? get some more support around you? and you ARE going out to dinner tonight, right?

It was really not optional. I suppose this has been slowly building but I am just really aware of it so strong this week.

well...I'm going to point this out but hope it doesn't scream invalidation. Seems to me that there have been times in the past when you have needed to reach out and you didn't ... and you would post again and again reasons why you COULDN'T or didn't NEED to, etc.

The simple fact that YOU saw it as a necessity and did something about it is a great, great thing, Pam. Being in the sitch and NOT doing something about it is much worse, imho.

Sage

[psluke]

Well, I think I dug harder into these feelings last night than I ever have before.

I don't think I really want to die, that is why I have never really figured out a way to accomplish it.

I think it is more the depression and the small hope that in some way that is the only thing that might touch D and cause him to feel some regret and shame for what he has done.

I know logically even if I achieved what I would hope, I would never know it and is that all my life is worth? Right now it feels like that is all my life is worth, but there have definitely been times lately that it hasn't felt that way.

I think his ugliness Monday, his total lack of respect by having J at PK, plus the fact that he only doesn't want his family to know about his affairs, (best I can figure is he has no personal feelings of shame, but knows that isn't what his family might think), and then yesterday, we actually out of habit I would assume played off of each others words in a joking way once or twice. So sort of like old times only with the depressing things the realtor was saying about our house and the fact that the only reason we were there together is to see what she did have to say about getting our house ready to sell.

I think it is probably I am just swamped with stress right now and can't see the end of the tunnel.

[psluke]

I did get a message left on my C's vm.

I am not worried about me, but I feel like H*LL and was just hoping talking with her might help with the process.