Life, One Chapter at a Time

[psluke]

Held the emotions in pretty well all day but this evening is rough. That hurt that everything has ended up sooo ugly at the end.

I have the realtor coming tomorrow to go through the house and give me a list of what needs done on it.

Have contacted one contractor who might be too busy but may know someone else to refer me too.

Want to just get it over with and do lots of crying I think for now. But I don't intend to stay stuck.

[psluke]

Got a really nice e-mail from Zoo this evening.

I wouldn't worry too much about what David says or does. He is just lashing out. You are too easy to take his anger and frustrations out on and he still avails himself of it when he can (he is probably fairly aware by now that J won't put up with it).

He probably got the cell bill...lol. Good chance he figured you just did it out of spite, ya know? It doesn't matter that that isn't the case....his perspective/brain sees it otherwise.

Seems to me he still wants you to take care of everything as usual....it is what he is use to. I would just tell him "look, this is what YOU wanted, it is your responsibility to take care of now." Leave it at that and say nothing else.

Look at it this way...what affect does anything he has to say to you truly have on your life now? Yes, it might sting a bit but what true bearing does it have? Is it going to make you lose your job or house? Remove the food from your table? Is it going to cause death or dismemberment?

They are only WORDS bandied about by a sad, messed up man who seems to have lost all of his purpose and spends most of his time feeling sorry for himself more than likely. In the end...words can't do sh*t...they are just sounds vibrating against your eardrum and then carried away by the wind.

Chin up sweetie and think of all of the GOOD things that have been going on....you have a wonderful new house, Breeze is on the mend, you have new friends and nice neighbors...heck, you even have a new van :-)

Your life is moving forward in a positive direction and you are SOOOOOO much better off then you were a year ago. It wouldn't surprise me if D actually RESENTS you for being able to move forward...I don't think he thought you were capable of it.

Much love,
B

[psluke]

M stopped by this evening as well.

I hadn't seen her in forever. She leaves for work now before I do and gets home most of the time after I am in bed.

She said she usually gets sick after Christmas. No wonder with these kind of hours! That is seven days a week.

It was really good to see her and I told her about this morning. She is so good to talk with and since she went through a lot of this she so understands where I am coming from!

So the end of the evening here has definitely picked up.

[sage]

Morning Pam,

I'm pleased things were looking up for you and that Zoo and M were able to give you some boosts!

So...it sounds from one of your posts as though you are responsible for getting PK sold? Or did I misread that?

Sage

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

No, I'm not responsible for getting PK sold. But the papers do leave it more open for me to do something than I realized they did.

I am to coordinate the interior repairs that are agreed upon. You know he isn't going to actually talk and agree upon anything!

I intend to get a list of what needs done from the realtor and send it to he and his attorney. He still doesn't have the outside done either.

I told my boss yesterday that till the end of this mess I am sort of going to have to take care of it for him aren't I? He said, Yes, did you just now realize that? I said, Yes. He said, I'm sorry.

But much as I hate to see it sell the sooner it is done the sooner I can pay my dad back and probably that will help to begin the release from the past. In a way PK keeps both D and I tied to our joint past both good and bad.

[psluke]

I wouldn't worry too much about what David says or does. He is just lashing out.

<snip>

They are only WORDS bandied about by a sad, messed up man who seems to have lost all of his purpose and spends most of his time feeling sorry for himself more than likely.

Ok, if this is the case or even if it is not. Why do I still persist in seeing the D I thought he was when I married him and not maybe an actual person he has developed into???? My mental picture is still the man I looked up to as logical, mature and loving. When he says look what you turned into, that hurts. I sort of am starting to like in some ways the person I am turning into, but that certainly isn't how he meant it, in any way good.

[psluke]

Just got back from walking though PK with the realtor for her to see what needs done on the inside of the house before listing it.

D actually showed up. I did not expect him, but had sent an e-mail letting him know she would be doing the walk through today.

We were civil to one another, no slanging matches today. But I feel very stressed right now.

He was the perfect front. The person everyone always sees and the person I truly thought he actually was inside! You really do not see the person I dealt with yesterday morning or the person that has had 3 affairs with married women.

Hmmm...shades of Jeffrey Dommer, (or however you spell that). I mean he hides that side of himself VERY WELL!!!!

As he and I were walking to our cars to leave I told him thank you for showing up. He said he would talk to me later. That isn't really what he means more than likely, that is just what he always says instead of bye when he is leaving. But at least no one said hope you go to jail or hope you go to H*LL today.

[psluke]

So WHY does seeing him take my will to live for myself away???????

I feel I have made progress but days like yesterday and actually today more so, (I suppose because we were polite), just sap my will to plan or live for a future right out of me.

[sage]

I feel I have made progress but days like yesterday and actually today more so, (I suppose because we were polite), just sap my will to plan or live for a future right out of me.

Why does it, Pam?

What are the thoughts that are running through your head that are keeping you from being engaged in your future?

If you "listen" to them, what do they consist of? Fear? Anger? Despair? Tiredness?

Would identifying the underlying feelings help? (I know what I think the answer is to that!).

Also...we've talked about this before but could you let go of the need/desire to label D either "good" (the way you he was when you married) or "bad" (the way he is now)?? We're all a combination of both ( ) so even if you DO succeed in classifying him for a bit, he'll try to move into the other bucket, no?

Here's what I wondered...if it turns out that D "isn't the man you thought he was" does that make YOU afraid of making a wrong choice again? Are you questioning yourself?

Sage

[psluke]

Mostly I suppose it is despair and sadness that our marriage and friendship is over. It makes me feel like my future is very empty and lonely. I know I have friends but that isn't the same as a close, loving and caring relationship like I thought D and I had.

I see it sounded like I was labeling him all bad, but what I meant to indicate was how well he hides the other side of himself, not that this isn't a real part of him, I would suppose it is. Aren't all of our masks a part of ourselves? But just the fact that you would NEVER know the other side is there to meet the man and talk with him.

No, I think what I am questioning is did he ever love me? Was it all an empty substitution? Did he feel J was lost to him after she dumped him and he settled for me? I have no idea how close her dumping him was to my coming into the picture. Was he on the rebound so to speak? Did I ever mean anything to him????

Those are the thoughts.

I can't see a chance of ever making a wrong choice again as I am too old to start over. My life now is the shelties and I.