Jen, thank you for the encouragement and for dropping in. It is always so nice to know I have people who are happy for me.
Steve, as always your words keep me focused and help me renew my belief in marriage.
Ellie, Thank you- You are the little voice in head. Whenever I think I might be being too hard on B, you remind me I am not.
____________________________________________________________ Quote from Ellie.
And frankly - I still haven't heard that he has ANY real insight into WHY he did all this. He has to figure that out, M3M, or he will repeat it someday. Don't make the mistake I made of letting him off the hook without him REALLY figuring out why he went this direction, and what his issues are.
We are working on this with the both counselors (one NA and One MC I know it seems like a lot) I could write for hours about the whys and I am not sure how B would feel about me posting it so I will sum it up for you. B had a tough childhood- one that he should have sought counseling for (as his sisters did) a long time ago. His parents got divorce when he was 5. His mom who as suffered from depression most of her life got custody but then developed a drug habit. Instead of letting his dad have custody when she could no long take care of them, she put them in foster home. From here B and his two 2 sister went for home-to-home, being exposed to physical, emotional, and sexually abuse. Finally years later, his Dad found out they were in foster care and fought to get custody. Which leads to a more chains of events no child should ever go though. B and 1 of his sister started doing crack in high school- kind of a peer pressure/ dealing with their life thing. B (with the help of a good friend) stopped after high school with no problems (or so he thought) His sister ended up in serious trouble, but stopped to. (Another reason why B should have none better) So, when the guilt came from the affair and his life seemed to be on a downhill spin it was offered to him by a so called friend- and thought (immaturely) well I have done it before and not gotten addicted- so why not. I am strong I can quite when I want to/ only the weak cant!
Even this time when he stopped he had no signs of drug withdrawal and stopped fairly easily- (this still seems weird to me). But this time he is taking the time to “learn” the dangers, he see the things it does to people- he is in Na with people who have lost everything to this drug- It is an eye opener. I borrowed this from Nevanna Thread (hope you don’t mind Nevanna) but this is what the counselor has said and she worded it perfectly.
“You can have an mlc at various time in your life, if you were not able to completely grow up properly and continued to have interruptions along the way in the game called life. His crisis will not be fixed today nor tomorrow and could take up to about 5 years. He's on a search to find himself and deal w/those unresolved childhood issues that are raising their ugly little heads at this time.”
B is working on things. Sometimes I wonder if it is not better to let sleeping dogs lay because he is remembering things now, that really really upset him. I knew most of this before I married him. But he always made it seem like no big deal. Looking back I remember thinking B was having some sort of mlc or was depressed – This was even before we were engaged- but I did not vaditae his feeling, and he seemed to get over it. Now I know he just got better at hiding it, because he thought I did not care. Which bring us to the affair. Again this is the simple version. Only because I do not want to bore you. He had told me hundreds of times what his needs were, and I did not listen. He stopped telling me he was unhappy, so I thought things were fine. That he had finally “dealt” or “ accepted the fact that I had my own life. But all he did was stopped telling me, because he realized that I was not going to listen anyways. Then we got really busy and I am guilty of putting are relationship on the back burning “until our lives slow down”. I even said this to him once when he said to me “Hun please could we just have one day where we just spend the day together- without planning the wedding, or packing please. (this was before the OW). I remember it as clear as day- I said after the wedding. So when he meet OW- they started off as friends. She paid attention to him, meanwhile whenever he was with me, I made no time for him. I was in a mad rush to get things done. Like I have said there is a lot more but I could be here for hours.
He is trying; He is doing all the things a committed guy does. I have slipped up quite a few times but after I calm down, we talk it out. I really have to learn to be more patient with him. Lately I seem to fly of the handle at the stupidest things. But B doesn't get mad at me for it, because his actions caused to be like this. I do believe it may be my turn to give a little. I really have been “taking lately” I just fell it is not up to me to make this right. It is up to him. But I have to start making an effort. He is out of town for two week (he got a new better job) so when he comes back, I am going to slowly start Dbing again and meeting some of his needs. (I really have be making this all about me lately) He is working hard as hell to prove himself to me and sometimes I feel I may be walking on him a little. B understands that "I'm sorry" is not enough that he really as to work at it. He understands now that we are a team. Last night he called me and said he was board because everyone went out the bar. I said: why did you not go? He said: because I thought about it and even though I wanted to, it would not be good for us. I said: what do you mean? He said: because we are a little behind in the bills, so I want to try to get caught up. I realize that before when I wanted something I only ever thought about what I wanted or what was best for me. But from now on I am going to make every decision based on “us” vs. instead of ME. That is what married people do.
Any ways this is too long so I will stop here, I think I will have my home computer fixed tonight, so hopefully I will have more time to post these days.
Thanks for listening everyone- It feels so good to open my thread and see I have people who care.
