Here is the short version, which is really not short at all Me: 27 Brandon: 29 First date: June 19, 2001 Move in together September 1, 2001 He has some credit problems due to ex. We work out a budget, follow it, get his debit paid off. Engaged: September 22, 2002 Things were amazing, we had a great relationship, I really thought we had a good balance. Until......... Aug 2003- (maybe a little before this) I start to feel smothered, by his constant need for reassurance- I start doing my own thing more and more. Start hanging out with the guys from work- I work in a predominately male environment. I knew this bugged him, but did not care and he never said anything. He thought- well if she can have male friends, then I can have female friends. I saw this and stopped hanging out with the guys. He seemed not to notice. December 2003- Brandon gets a new job, starts going out of town a lot more. Life is crazy- we are planning a wedding- I get promoted at work, Jan and Feb 2004 we sale our house, buy a new house, lose the new house due to his credit, buy a different new house, my Dad announces he is divorcing my Mom after our wedding. My mom does not believe him. March 2004 , He is always away on business. I am stressed beyond stress. Missing him like crazy, feel totally taken for granted. He breaks up with me, leaving for a week, spending all kind of crazy money, comes home wants to make it work. April 2004. Have to live with my parents for a month- He goes away on bussiness every weekend. Hmmm- we never fix any of our problems May 2004- Move in to our new house I Feel like I come second in his life. I am doing everything, housework, packing, unpacking – twice!!! Planning a wedding, making decisions with out him, because he is out of town- I Do not want to make the decisions with out him, I want him to come home, and HELP. So when he does come home for a weekend, I am on a mission to get as much done as possible- because who knows when the next time he will be home. Mean while he spending money like no tomorrow and I am getting more stress, because he keeps spending. But I say nothing, I never told him how I was feeling in fear that he would break up with me again. June 19, 2004- We have the most amazing wedding day- If was perfect- We have a honeymoon stage of two weeks- were things are perfect- he is home – not out of town – being sweet and loving- in turn- I am meeting his emotional clingy needs- 2nd week in July he is gone again, I am back to doing everything again- when he is home- he is playing ball. We are spending no time together, and when we do, we fight. August 8- My dad leave my mom for OW! August 22, 2004- the second weekend he has been home since we got married. On Sunday tells me he is not sure is wants to be married. Stays in the house till Aug 31- this week he says all the typical WAS stuff. I was sure he was having some kind a mid life crisis Sept 3- comes and gets his stuff- cleans out the account. Sept 10th- I found out about OW- been seeing her since FEB 2004 Sept 13- comes over says he needs some time-I dbing – He denies OW Sept 15 comes over says he needs some time-I dbing- He denies OW-gives me money. Sept 17 comes over says he needs some time-I dbing- He admits to OW, but says it was just sex. Sept 19 comes over says he needs some time-I dbing Sept 22 comes over wants to come home- I tell him he needs to call OW and break it off- He cant. He leaves I do not talk to him again until Oct 4- tells me he is living with OW Oct 10 We meet - wants to come home- I tell him to do what needs to be done and we will talk Oct 12- We meet he took OW home- wants to come home- I am scared- tell him I think we should take baby sets. He says I have until the 15th to decide. Do not here from him again until Oct 21st- Calls – Living with OW again- Loves me! wants to get back together- I am even more scared this time. Tell him again to do what he needs to do. Oct 23- we spend the day together, he spends the night, goes home in the morning were OW is. Oct 25 comes over accuses me of sleeping with my roommate. I do not deny or confirm, I tell him it is none of his business- (this was stupid) but it made me mad because he is yelling at me about how I am married- and I am thinking are you kidding me- you told me it is over- you were living with HER. Oct 26- I go out of town to see my new niece. Manage to get myself really really confused. He treated me like Sh!@ for months, now I am suppose to jump and down and say ya!!!! He is back. He calls me everyday while I am in LA- Takes OW home on the 28th Nov 1, He phones, I tell him I am confused and I think it may be too late. He sends me flowers- is in totally panic mode. I go see him, He begs cries pleads .We talk,I asked him lots of questions about OW he tells me “everything” I believe it as truth. - I am begin to feel like the WAW now. So I tell myself to give him a chance. The rest of the week I try, but he is driving me nuts with all the begging and crying. Nov 6, I tell him I am sorry I just cant- He begs pleads cries- ask for one more chance- again I say ok. But ask him not to call me until Nov 9th. I need some space. Nov 9 -I missed him, we get together. Have a nice time. I think ok maybe. Nov 10- I found out he went for lunch with my dad- and dinner with my best friend. THIS makes me very angry. We fight about it, he starts blaming me for everything. Totally backslide. He Keeps saying I am trying why can you not see that I am trying. I turn on the computer and have him read my threads hoping he will understand the pain he has put me threw. Nov 11 – He is still blaming me- I can not even stand to be in the same room with him. Nov 13- We spend the day together- No R talk have a great time Nov 14 - He Keeps saying I am trying why can you not see that I am trying- I tell him I have not seen actions to support this- it is just words- He says How can I do this if you will not let me come home. Nov 17- he goes to his first C appointment. Nov 18, 19 – get emails from OW- confront him about somethings. He gets mad that I believe her over him. Comes to my office makes a big scene- throws his wedding at me- kicks the side off his truck- speeds off- I meet him- Again confront him about something in the letters- (remember 2 weeks ago I thought I already new “everything”) He tells me some of the things in the letter are true- I said why did you lie to me again- He says to protect me. I tell him he had his chance to come clean , and decided not to take it. Come clean now- He cant! Nov 20- I do not answer the phone at home, he shows up at the house, accusing me of sleeping with someone else. You know because- NOT ANSWERING THE PHONE = SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Nov 21, Comes over to the house, yells and is still blaming me, again, I tell him it is over at least for now. It is not that I do not think he can change. I really think he can. It is that I think he will give up on me first. I was trying to give him hope, so he would continue to work on himself, but than he accuses me of leading him on. I do not want him to think that. He will hate me if we do not get back together. I do see him again this week, and finally talk to him on Friday Nov 27th. Saturday Nov 28-he comes over to get some things he needs- Towels etc for his new place. He helps me clean the house, we put up the Christmas tree- Have fun! Nov 30 I went to his C Dec 1 he moves into his new place. Dec 5 we have our first C session together. I really like His C. He told me over and over again, that this is not my fault. Maybe that is why I like him.
Tired of thinking about my marriage, tired of talking about it, tired of everyone asking how things are, tired about worrying about hurting B, and Roommate, tired of being broke, tired of thinking every action through before doing it, tired of being alone, tired of having my every action being judge by B or someone else who calls them selves my friend. Tired of B pushing me, Tired of my mother telling me she will never forgive him, Tired of people telling me if I get back together with B, I am an idiot, Tired of hearing "once a cheat always a cheat”. Tired of hearing I can do better, Tired of people trying to "fix me up", Tired of thinking, period! tired of worrying, tired of wanting for Brandon to figure "it out", Tired of him blaming me, Tired of thinking I am second best, Tired! Just tired.
Ok that is enough self pity for one day. I need to find the strength to keep going, I just don’t no where to find it. Someone tell me is it worth it?
