* No pursuit, invitations or R talk for the next three months.
* Small acts of kindness or affection, like sending a card for his birthday, sharing a joke by email etc.
* Accept any lunch invitations etc from H.
* Keep busy and especially at weekends when D is with him.
* Be mysterious. Buy flowers regularly (doubles up under 'pamper myself'! ) Do not always pick up the phone straight off. Talk about summer holiday plans...
* Get a contract - that would certainly impress H, my prophet of doom. I have a couple of leads to follow up.
* Bite the bullet re: finances - ask H to make an appointment to take my name off of joint account, set up standing order for mortgage etc. Sound eager to look after myself financially.
* Regain the light in my eyes, by hook or by crook!
* Do NOT think about H and what he is up to! I have not been to 'that' website for a while now and feel better for it.
* Ellie, will ask around about babysitting and enrolling for a dance/self-defence class.
I need to come up with some 180s too. Will have to put on my thinking cap...
Anyone got anything go add?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Maybe as a 180 not to accept all invitations? Would that show H you are a busy lady and can't just drop everything for him at every invite? Add into that the "mysterious male friend" and then moniter the results.
Just thinking out loud with you...
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
This morning I went to the bank. I set up a standing order to pay H a portion of the mortgage (I couldn't pay it directly to the bank account as it is in his name, and although H could just pay me the child maintenance minus my mortgage contribution, I prefer it this way so there is a record of who has paid what).
I also found out about the penalites inolved in paying off the whole amount should I ever have the option of doing that.
I found out that H can take my name off his account on his own, by going to his bank branch in person.
I felt good having done this stuff, the money monkey isn't off my back but the H monkey is! And of course the money monkey is impersonal, and I have to face it, whereas H is an unpredictable as a rumbling volcano these days.
I got back home and was wondering when I should ring H about it. I decided to wait a little, wanted to prepare myself for the convo...
But meanwhile, H rang me. Firstly, he said, I am just ringing to say hi. ( that's a first!)
I replied, hi, you sound a bit better.
H said, yes, yesterday I felt so much better I went for a walk but after a while I was almost on my knees, I still need to recover a bit. W3 and her D were over here last night for dinner which was nice, I hadn't seen anyone for three days.
He thanked me for the card, said it was nice.
(Hmmm there is something to this validation.... I will post the words from the card here. It is something which H would normallly find too mushy and sentimental
"You're usually the one who gets things done, no matter what - even when most people would stop to rest...
But now that you're under the weather, I hope you take good care of yourself so that you can get better soon.
Not just because you are someone who is needed by so many, but because you're a special person who means so much to me."
And I added underneath, "Yes, really! Hope you get better soon, love Livnlearn"
Then he said, are you sending D up this weekend? (What? After he steam rollered me into agreeing to it anyway, why is he now asking? )
I replied, sure, if you want to have her. We then talked about warm clothes. He said, don't send too much stuff up. (Implying that I do.) I said, I will send up stuff for all eventualities, because it will be when I don't, that you will need her boots or whatever, and it will be uncomfortble to manage without them in the snow etc or rain. He agreed.
I told him about the standing order to his account. He said, why bother with all that, I can just pay you less. I said, the SS doesn't cost extra, and I prefer it this way.
He said he was coming down to city Tuesday next, and would sort out the bank work. I said, fine, I would be tied up in the morning, but that I had found out he could remove my name from the joint account without my presence (really in his name with me as a second signatory or something). He said, you keep the card and use it this month....
Folks, my H is so weird - when I offer to give him his card, he says no no, you keep it, later he accuses me of keeping his card and stealing his money... We have gone through this scenario twice now. Until he sets up his standing order to me, I will keep the card.
Says he will set up the SS next month, as this month he has very little coming in, he 'doesn't know why'. Perhaps because he hasn't invoiced much???
See, to H, his money problems are real, but he doesn't know why he has them; with me it is because I am sitting on my backside doing nothing.
Anyway, after all of that, he said, well then, that's it then. I said, OK then bye!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hey LNL...it looks like you have a good plan going there and had a pretty good day to boot
I had a question about the luncheon goal too. I have noticed in a few of your posts that you have said H will ask you to lunch and then it just ends up him inviting himself to your place so you can fix somthing for him...Did I read that right? You might want to amend your goal to "accepting H's invitations to lunch OUT". If he says "why don't we just go back to the house and have a sandwich" or whatever, then politely decline and say you haven't been to the market or something. This way the luncheon is something he is actually taking you too and it keeps ya'all in neatral territory. I get the impression that his spending time actually in the house and "talking" tends to stress you out quite a bit.
If he asks why you don't have any food in, tell him you had a "dear friend' over for lunch or dinner the previous day. You might even want to make SURE there is nothing in the house on those days so d can back you up if he asks her at a later date
I know...it's kinda sneaky but it lends itself to that "mystery" you are trying to get going
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
About the lunch suggestion - well, it would be nice to go out, only neither of us has much money right now and it winds up costing a lot more than it would to just come home. You would laugh if you saw how much 'stock' I have in the house. I always stock up on stuff, to save on uneccessary trips, as I don't have a car and bring all my shopping back on the bicycle, so I make sure I don't waste a trip by not loading up on supplies, and I also love cooking. So the "I haven't been to the market" line wouldn't wash.
This morning he emailed me something, asking what I thought of it. I didn't have a reply, so I just got on with others things, I felt strangely detached all day.
He rang this evening when I was in the bathroom and left a message, to send up a couple of things with D. Then rang later to tell me again. I sounded upbeat but didn't have anything much to say past a little chit chat. Wished him a happy weekend.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Make him take you out to lunch Liv. It's important and it won't break him financially. Yours is the only thread in piecing I read, and I know I don't get here often, but it's important. If he can't do that, then don't have lunch with him. You're a very important person. Don't ever think otherwise.
HappyTomorrow is right LNL...YOU are an IMPORTANT person. Lunch doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. Keep it simple but keep it away from the house :-)
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I have entertained him here LOADS of times, even his friends and relatives!
This morning, before D was due to be picked up by H's landlord, the phone rang. I knew it would be H asking me to request the landlord to pick up supplies on the way for him and D. It was. I asked D to mention it to them, she said, no, you tell them! One of the items is a snack for D.
I am afraid I said out loud, I don't understand why H or D can't do this, why do *I* wind up asking the landlord to purchase these items, which are for H and D?
D said, Dad doesn't have their home number and their cellphone is always, or often, swithed off. Well, he can GET their number if he asks, and seeing as he has contacted them to arrange the lift, he must in fact have it, and he can also tell them himself what to buy for him.
D also mentioned that her Dad had been to the supermarket yesterday (must have told her on the phone) so why is he asking me to send up yogurts?
I am going to email him soon, saying because I find it awkward telling his landlord to buy stuff (which of course H pays for!) I would prefer him to tell them directly when he rings them about the lift.
It also disturbs me that in fact they are kind and helpful, giving D lifts up, doing bits of shopping for him and giving D a Christmas present, while H feels happy to bad mouth them when he talks to me. I might slip in a comment about their kindness when I email H as well.
Last night I decided I hadn't been very responsive to H's overture, asking for a comment, so I emailed him something back, light. This morning there was a response to that. Also light, but friendly.
I suppose I need to respond to H's good overtures, to encourage them, not ignore them now. Only ignore, or discourage, the bad ones.
Oh, he mentioned that he emailed me the original request because he hadn't been able to sleep so he was fiddling around on his computer. On my side, I pushed myself to have an early night last night and slept for a solid nine hours. Even on weekends when D goes to H, on the Saturday I have to be up to get her ready for a time even earlier than a school day, so I don't get a lie in. Tomorrow the friend is arriving, EARLY!! Guess I will have to make sure I go to bed tonight nice and early!
See, all this stuff here, eating lunch at my house, sending up shopping/yogurts, asking the landlord to do stuff etc, all little acts of service, the kind I have been doing for H in every department for all the years of our M, and he never seemed to notice it. Took it completely for granted. Maybe the lack of it now, or at least the fact that he has to ask for it now, and I *may* not comply, will set him thinking about how much I may have contributed to our M.
I think H's Love Language is Words of Affirmation, so all the acts of service I did over the years, and I am an acts of service type of person, probably just got taken completely for granted, which is how H is able to tell me with a straight face that I did 'nothing'.
What I don't understand is, he grew up without experiencing those AOS - unloving parents, paid staff in the family home (his family were very well off). You would have thought he would find them priceless (this is what my sister finds incomprehensible) but in fact maybe he took those things for granted (cooking, and great cooking at that, cleaning, shopping, errands, mothering etc) as they were always done by paid staff? (He had a nanny)
Stuff to think about.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
D went up this weekend to see her Dad. My friend arrived this morning to stay a few days. Just as we were finishing lunch D arrived back, unexpectedly early. It is just as well we were at home, she was expected at least a couple of hours later.
She was fully dressed in some strange clothes. I asked, did Dad give you those? She said, no, OW2 did. I said, oh, is OW2 back again then? D said, yes, but only for ten days, it's her last time.... I think she was anxious to convince me, but seeing as this is the third 'last time' that she is here, I ain't holding my breath.
I have to confess, I was blindsided by this development, and it took me about half an hour to get a grip on myself and not think about it. My friend was there, so I struggeld to get the conversation going and smooth again (didn't let on to any one what was up) but after a while, thinking about that old stop sign and getting involved with what we were doing etc, I got over it. Although I feel like taking a pair of scissors to the whole outfit now that D is in bed and ripping it all up.
All I can say is, although H says that OW2 is so attractive to him, she still walked out on him and then he said he wasn't going back to her, so all is not all rosy over there. I hope she is pleading and begging, and we all know how well that works!
And weirdly, H has just sent me a photograph of D at the weekend, by email.
When D and friend and I were out in the park later in the day, my cellphone rang and it was H apologising for sending D down early without making sure I would be home or ringing me at all. At least he NOTICED. Then he rang later to say goodnight to D. He never usually does that on days when he has just seen her.
One thing, when he rang me in the park, it felt good to be saying, oh, you were lucky 'we' were home when D arrived. I think I need to use 'we' rather more often, perhaps even with a bit of artistic license now and again...
Livnlearn
Friday night I emailed him with a little chat and then slipped in a request to please ask his landlord directly for stuff to be bought on the way up as I feel awkward to tell them what to buy each time.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
) Do not always pick up the phone straight off. Talk about summer holiday plans...
And of course the money monkey is impersonal, and I have to face it, whereas H is an unpredictable as a rumbling volcano these days.
that's a first!)
