I had some problems with H's behaviour throughout our M. But I never thought to just duck out. Neither did I know how to 'handle' my having a 'problem' with his behaviour.
Now, rather than H getting more mellow, thoughtful or whatever, he seems to be congealing into a more brutish, brutal, selfish set of attitudes. If he thinks he has been giving, giving, giving, all along, and has now decided to be MORE selfish, well, I can't imagine how that would look in any R that we had.
I most certainly would not want to land up with an even more selfish H than I already had. That would really be the booby prize!
This is not to say that everything in our M was his problem and I am blameless, but really, if after all this time I just came up with "I realise I have been giving and giving and giving, and I have now decided to be more selfish and cruel", how would that sound to H? Would it be attractive to ANY other person, invite them into a relationship with you? I don't think so, somehow.
As to my DBing, I don't know what has worked and what hasn't anymore. I really don't. Hence my confusion even about whether I should agree to lunch with H tomorrow or not.
I don't want to feel used. I suppose I need to be friendly, but my Christmas invite was a disaster. H still hasn't answered my question about why he felt he was here on sufferance. I can only think it was because I said 'no' to him staying on here with D while I went away.
Although come to think of it, ever since Christmas Eve when H's eyeballs were bulging out of his head with rage, just inches from my face, he has been quite friendly and mild. But he doesn't see the irony of calling other men bullies...
I would like some other people's perspective on all this. Those who have been with me for a while, what can you see that I can't?
Ellie, if you think that H is depressed and MLCing, and it can take YEARS to go through, I am not sure I can go through this for more YEARS. I feel it would be in my interests to cut off/separate from H financially in the long term if we are going to be apart for years or forever. I don't want H to have a handle on me for ever more.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I am sorry that you are feeling this way today. But I do understand the feelings you are having about tired of being tired. I hit that place many times.
Watching our WAH go thru the painful crises that they are dealing with (or not in many cases, mine included) is just as painful, in not more so, because we get the brunt of the cruelty, the confusion, etc etc etc.
IMHO all the emotions you are dealing with now is your way of detaching, letting go. I look at it as grieving. You are grieving the loss of your former life and love. I think you have done a fantastic job in dealing with your H and all his antics. Personally, I thought the mass e-mail to all his women was quite a classic! You have handled yourself with style and grace.
Again, just my opinion, but maybe this invite you should turn down. If for no other reason than to save your sanity. I know in my case there were several instances that I could not subject myself to being in my H's presence.
You need to move forward in your life, with or without him. Right now that may mean stop being the friend to the extent that you extend invitations to him. Chat with him if he initiates first, but don't go out of your way to call or e-mail him unless it's about your D.
Maybe what your H needs is a dose of true reality. The reality that says you will not be there for him at every turn. That your house is not a stopover between him and the OW.
Trust me when I say I KNOW how hard this is. But you need to take care of yourself and not worry about the things your H does or does not do. Don't just occupy your time, but occupy your mind with other things that interest you, to help from thinking so much about what H is doing.
Take care of yourself, pamper yourself even if it's with just a little something. Start thinking about what you would be doing right now if you didn't have all this mess with your H to deal with? Put all the negative talk away and ask yourself "what do I want to do with my life?"
Let us know what thoughts come from that.
Take care, JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Quote: Ellie, if you think that H is depressed and MLCing, and it can take YEARS to go through, I am not sure I can go through this for more YEARS.
It's possible - certainly if H takes up with w3, (which it sounds like he might) the ride is going to be a longer one - and I wouldn't blame you for wanting to get off. But I guess the more important question right now is this: if you are going to give him until April - what are you going to do differently in that time? Just doing more of the same for the next three months doesn't seem like much of a plan.
Can you look back through your threads and see what has seemed to work in the past to bring out baby steps? Is it time for a genuine LRT? If you plan to start dating or do more to make him think you are really dating - maybe now, before his thing with w3 really heats up, is the best time to do that.
As for lunch - why not just go and observe? (No. don't bail him out by having it at your house.) If he starts talking about w3 - why not just say "look, I don't tell you about MY love life, I'd appreciate not having to hear about yours."
And more important than all of this - you need to really GAL. Solve your financial problems. If you won the lottery tomorrow and were independently wealthy, what choices would you be making about the R? You need to get yourself to a place where the financial issues don't matter.
Well - I guess some of this decision depends on how you are feeling at the moment - if you don't feel strong enough to deal with him right now, then don't - I think a bad interaction is worse than no interaction sometimes.
If you DO feel strong enough to deal with him though - to go and Act As If and have a PMA and light that vibrant glow in your eyes - then it may be an opportunity to be the only one of the three women he emailed who is willing to accept his friendship. So far your lunches have been pretty good lately, right?
I remember looking in the mirror and seeing someone there I didn't recognize. It WAS my eyes. I'd lost something that I never thought I could get back. I thought I'd have that vacant look forever and that I'd never be the same as I once was.
We all process this in different ways, and for me, I let H go. You have to make your own decisions, it's so hard either way.
But I will tell you that you will return. This is temporary and one day you're going to wake up and start feeling better. You will get yourself back.
Last night I sent H a Get Well ecard and he responded this morning with an email, thanking me for the card, saying he feels much better this morning, he still won't come down but, should be OK to have D for the weekend.
The card (which was free) expressed some sentiments which I wouldn't normally have expressed at this time. But I thought, WTH, what have I got to lose at this stage? I will continue to be my (good) self, continue to show decent hospitality to my guests (that means H when he is here), whether they appreciate it or not, etc. I sure ain't going to turn into something worse, all my changes are going to be for the better.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Thanks HP, JL and the other folks who have posted here. I appresciate you taking the time to stop by and add something.
Last month was tight, financially, less work over the holidays and more expenses due to it being Christmas...
I cetainly hope things pick up. I pampered myself with some flowers, also in case H had come over today...
I have a friend/acquaintance coming to stay on Sunday, for a few days. She has no place to stay, no work, no money and visa problems too, so let's see if I can't help someone out for a change and stop thinking about my own situation.
As for H demanding D for two weekends, I will look on the bright side and get busy with stuff I have to do when she is not here.
Maybe I should get some vouchers to a finishing school or deportment classes for H's birthday, so he can learn some manners? - "How to ask nicely and not come across as a bully/pompous ass etc"
Dating? I have never dated. All the men I have been involved with I have met through activities, work, college etc. I have never been on a 'date'.
My good friend here, who is separated and went through her own MLC, joined an internet dating site and has been out on many dates. From her stories, it is NOT the kind of thing I am looking for. After the first or second outing, there is pressure and the asumption that you now have to PAY for those meals out, and I am NOT into that. She herself has pulled back, realising that it doesn't offer what she wants.
But as for getting out and about more, then I am all for that.
And creating some mystery. I will have to cultivate a 'dear' friend!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
You have handled yourself with style and grace.
