I am just so tired. Tired of waiting (in my mind), tired of being in limbo (H will tell me that he made it clear 21 months ago that he would never be back), tired of all the aggravation, tired of financial instability and fear of the unknown ahead.
Tired of not knowing where the h**l I am heading, what I am trying to do. Tired of taking the high road while H seemingly does what he wants.
Tired of validating H's concerns while not having heard a single tender thing from him about all my worries and traumas over the last 21 months.
Tired of being his 'friend' while he tramples all over my feelings. Tired of living in 'his' house with all his stufff still here.
Tired of churning all this over and over in my mind, day and night.
Tired of looking in the mirror and being shocked at the shell of a person I see looking back at me. (There isn't the light in the eyes there should be)
Tired of trying to figure out whether I just stupidly married the wrong man or whether it was my comportment during our marriage that is to blame.
Tired of trying to believe that there is something salvagable in this situation when everything tells my otherwise.
I believe that H might be quite happy with his 'freedom' and likes to have me as his little dependable friend as well. A pit stop for refueling and recharging once in a while.
I suppose that after 21 months, another three months is not much longer to hold out. Does it seems a little strange that I should impose such an artficial deadline?
Well, H has been informed, and I have my limits, I think. If he can't get his act together within some reasonable time frame, then I will have to cut my losses and really move on, without looking back.
If he chooses not to reconsider, I will remain civil, but I will not be his friend. He has not been my friend. Friends don't treat you like this.
The continual tug of hope will not be pulling me back from really thinking clearly about my future. What has my future got to do with H? Not much, if he chooses to stay away.
I'm tired of being tired.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
