Indeed, why let misunderstandings grow when we can nip them in the bud?
Remember the blind in D's room needed fixing, and D thought it needed her Dad to deal with it as he is strong? And I thought to myself, yah, when pigs fly, H will fix that blind...
Anyhow, I dismantled the mechanism, went to the shop to get the replacement part, and reassmbled it, looking at one in another room to figure out how it worked. Dirty, fiddly work up a ladder, but I'm glad I did it. I hope D sees that women are NOT helpless creatures that have to wait for a man to get anything done. And with 'certain' men, that would entail waiting for ever!
D did pipe up with "Mamma, you're always doing nice things for me!" after fixing her blind, making her a banana milkshake and buying her a cupboard tidy for her room yesterday.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
The kids get quite a lot of homework over the holidays, and it is prograpmmed by the specific day, to help them pace themselves.
D was away with H for five whole days, and although she took up her heavy school bag crammed with books, she managed to complete just one page of homework.
She had one shower (came home smelly), changed her underwear once, had to brush her own hair, hence it was horrible and full of knots...
I am a little tired of pretending that all of this is A-OK.
Oh, and the 'mad' landlord gave D a nice box of chocolates as a present.
I see something else looming on the horizon. No doubt I will be told not to assume, not to borrow trouble, or waste time on thinking about H, but here it is.
There is a woman, about twelve years younger than H, who is apparently living somewhat near H in the hills. (She either moved there a few months ago or H only just found out that she was there.) We knew this girl briefly about ten years ago or more, as the girlfriend of a guy who was friends with us then. Now, she lives with her (different) boyfriend and has a two year old kid with him. She is an attractive girl.
From some of the things H has said, it wouldn't surprise me if he gets involved with her too.
I am going to dub her w3 for now. It seems she told H, "Oh no, all my boyfriends have been Acquarians!" when she heard that H was an Acquarian. H added, not that I am her boyfriend or anything. Strange?
Then, some weeks ago, she drove to another (common) friend's place for lunch, taking H with her, as the 'boyfriend' had to work down in the city.
H always sounds dismissive about the boyfriend when he talks about him - "he thinks he is living an alternative lifestyle" and such like. BF is in a similar line of work to me and H, but his work is dismissed.
D and H spent a lot of time at her house these last five days, I don't know if the BF 'had to work' a lot or what and how much he was there.
H seems to be at a stage when moving into anyone else's life, marriage or relationship seems to be A-OK by him.
I hope I am wrong about this, but I have vibes about H and so far they have rarely been wrong.
I just hope he stops wreaking damage left, right and centre. I also fear that H is going to get beaten up one of these days from a guy who won't stand by and see his partner involved with another guy....
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
LNL - time to just stop worrying about your H. Hope w3's BF catches him with her and beats the you-know-what out of him! A little reality therapy might be good for him right now
As for the homework/underwear/parenting thing - cheeseless tunnel here. guys aren't that great about these things anyway, and WAH's are the worst. Once your D is a little older it won't be a problem, she'll look after herself. Just start teaching her - no percentage in nagging H, he'll just do even less to rebel against you.
Now - let's focus on you and the fabulous life you are going to create for yourself and the new people you are going to go out and meet. What are your goals? How are you going to solve the perennial babysitting problem? What are your work plans?
Quote: Now - let's focus on you and the fabulous life you are going to create for yourself and the new people you are going to go out and meet. What are your goals? How are you going to solve the perennial babysitting problem? What are your work plans?
I went skating in town this evening, quite late, in an open air temporary ice rink, with the Christmas lights and thick fog all around... really nice!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I think I am in the grip of some depression, so I need to do something about it.
As I won't touch ADs, my plan is to start writing a list of things to accomplish the day before, for the next day, AND STICK TO IT. I cannot rely on the *feelings* I have on any particular day to get me through it and doing what I need to. I am too up and down.
I also need to make sure that I have up to an hour of exercise most days to clear the brain of the fog and get my spirits up, apart from the fitness benefits. Today I didn't particularly feel like going out skating in the freezing cold and dark, but as D held me to my promise to take her, I did, and I felt great afterwards!
I have to decide soon whether or not to put aside a fixed amount of time, like say two or three months, in which I do as much teaching work as comes my way, but do not spend any extra energy looking for, or fretting about finding, more of that kind of work because, with a little money I have put aside, I could 'subsidise' my attempt to get a contract of some sort for my personal work. If I don't push now, I feel I never will, and my work will get stale and old and unsellable with time.
I have agreed with H to pay some of the mortgage, now how I go about things is my business, not his, so I hope the monkey is off my back.
If I truly fail to get anywhere after three months, I will have to bite the bullet and get any old work I can to pay the bills. Whatever.
I am working hard on how I react to people. I mean my nearest and dearest. I am still so reactive, though much improved. I have D to practice on!
I a trying so hard to be much more mindful of how I correct or dicipline her. There is ALWAYS a choice about how to approach this, and so often I 'find myself' in rant/scold mode, when a simple, quiet, questioning look would have sufficed, had I given it a try. But I am getting better at letting go earlier on, not repeating myself more than just a few times in my scolds...
I am working on the rudeness issue with D at the moment. I don't let her get away with rudeness, even quite minor. I have had enough grief over H's rudeness, I can't let D grow up into a rude person. She is naturally a kind and empathetic little soul, so I have to work on that. But she has a problem (or I do, LOL!) with her tone sometimes.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I always keep up with your thread although don't post too often as you know.
I'm glad that post I made a while back got you thinking.....it certainly got me thinking. I like things like that....it gives me something to mull over while i'm in bed lol.
Your d sounds like she's doing just fine. You do too. I like the idea about the exercise....i usually do a lot of exercise and need to get back into the routine again. But even more important is making a list of things to accomplish. That's what I need Liv a list of things to accomplish. I seem to accomplish very little. So I'm joining you.....aome exercise every day and a list of things to accomplish. thanks!
I've also decided to push my divorce through. I'm struggling to cope with the uncertainty of everything and a lot of work needs to be done in the house. I feel I can't get all of the jobs done (some of them major) without knowing where I stand. Also it's only fair for the children to know that Yes! we are staying here....or No! sorry guys but we're moving. Also it was that article...IF my h and I are ever going to get back together I need to renegotiate out r. I feel that I can only do that by starting anew. Right now it looks unlikely we'll ever speak to each other again never mind getting back together.....but hey! never say never.
Anyway Liv, keep up the good work. You're a wonderful role model for your d and an inspiration to so many of us here.
D and I were away for two days, staying with H's nephew (who is only a couple of years younger than us) and his wife and two kids. We had fun, the kids played, we went swimming in some thermal baths, ate out, etc.
On Sunday morning I was up early after disturbing dreams, nephew also got up earlyish, and somehow we got talking about H and our situation. I shed a few tears, and he was very seeet and tried to comfort me. We talked about things. He again said how distressed he and his wife were about H's visit to them just prior to the bomb when I was away, how casual he sounded about ending a ten year marriage... How, unfortunately, like his father he was behaving. I was saying how impossible it is to move on completely when there is a child involved, and different countries.
Later on I went for a walk with his wife and she said what a 'particular' person H is (that's the word I use for him, it is the polite one, there are others who are more forceful in their assessment of H!)
I told the nephew that I was still holding on to some hope for a reconciliation, which I think surpised him, he asked whether the events of the last 21 months were overlookable, and I said, yes, if H wanted to work on things.
I saw a copy of "He's just not that into you" in the bookshop and speed read it. It seems to me to be relevant to dating, but surely not to marriage? Do you just accept that your spouse stops 'being into you' after a decade or decades of marriage, children and building a life together? Seems a little simplistic to apply it to our situations here.
Got home to a voice mail from H, saying he wanted D to ring him, he had been out late on Saturday, eating at w3's place.
I think I will be pretty dark now, any contact will have to come from his side. He knows what I told him about my being open to him till April, after which I will have to cut my losses. Meanwhile, I will just concentrate on myself.
The number of students is way down, as usually after the vacations I get lots of dropouts. Met the American woman at school today and she was saying the same thing, times are lean.
Guess I need to get to work on my other options!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H called this evening. He had a blocked nose and told me he had had flu symptoms for the past few days. I said, you sound bad.
Said he was coming down on Wednesday, did I want to have lunch with him (and D)? I said, I don't know exactly what my work programme this week is, so I would let him know later.
Honestly, I feel tired of being jerked around, as I feel I have been for a long while now. I can't afford to eat out, and I imagine H would like to eat here... but I have left my options open like this. Let's see.
Then H talked some more about stuff, his work etc. I told him about a book I had seen that I almost got him, but didn't in the end as it was interesting but wasn't really THAT nice. H's birthday is later this month. I don't go in for astrology, but Underdog, if you are reading this, I am an Aries married to an Aquarian, like you...
H said that the kid of w3 is around every other weekend so he would like to synchronise D going up on those weekends, as although there is a huge age gap, it is nicer for D to have some kid around that none. It turns out that the kid is w3's from a previous relationship, and her BF is not the father, and neither does he live with her, he just comes up at weekends.
Then H said that the BF is an A**hole, insufferable, a bully etc, everyone thinks so except w3. He can't understand it. Now, where have I heard that before?
Anyway, H sounded quite chatty and OK with me. Hmmmmm.
Whatever.
So -
I talked and was friendly for a while but was the one to end the call. I told him about the book so although not gushing, let him know I thought about him. Didn't refuse or accept the invite straight away, leaves me with options and not always the one being controlled.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I am just so tired. Tired of waiting (in my mind), tired of being in limbo (H will tell me that he made it clear 21 months ago that he would never be back), tired of all the aggravation, tired of financial instability and fear of the unknown ahead.
Tired of not knowing where the h**l I am heading, what I am trying to do. Tired of taking the high road while H seemingly does what he wants.
Tired of validating H's concerns while not having heard a single tender thing from him about all my worries and traumas over the last 21 months.
Tired of being his 'friend' while he tramples all over my feelings. Tired of living in 'his' house with all his stufff still here.
Tired of churning all this over and over in my mind, day and night.
Tired of looking in the mirror and being shocked at the shell of a person I see looking back at me. (There isn't the light in the eyes there should be)
Tired of trying to figure out whether I just stupidly married the wrong man or whether it was my comportment during our marriage that is to blame.
Tired of trying to believe that there is something salvagable in this situation when everything tells my otherwise.
I believe that H might be quite happy with his 'freedom' and likes to have me as his little dependable friend as well. A pit stop for refueling and recharging once in a while.
I suppose that after 21 months, another three months is not much longer to hold out. Does it seems a little strange that I should impose such an artficial deadline?
Well, H has been informed, and I have my limits, I think. If he can't get his act together within some reasonable time frame, then I will have to cut my losses and really move on, without looking back.
If he chooses not to reconsider, I will remain civil, but I will not be his friend. He has not been my friend. Friends don't treat you like this.
The continual tug of hope will not be pulling me back from really thinking clearly about my future. What has my future got to do with H? Not much, if he chooses to stay away.
I'm tired of being tired.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I think each of us has to decide at what point we are finished and what we can continue to live with or what we want to look back and know we gave it our best shot.
I hope your day picks up.
Try to smile I really do find it helps.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
