Earlier today I received an open 'circular' type letter (email) from H, sent to all three of us - myself, OW 1 and OW 2, which purports to be H's New Year's Resolution.
He starts out to say that he is sending it to all three of us, he "cannot be fairer than that"!!!!!
Livnlearn - you are my D's mother, oldest friend and wife of ten years.
OW 1 - you're like a sister, we've shared good and bad times and will continue to do so.
OW 2 - I have never known such sexual attraction or intellectual attraction as to you. Still feel that. You have been very generous to me in a difficult time.
But, I must tell you I am not coming back to any of you, because I'm tired of "expectations" and "pressure". Can only offer friendship, if you want it.
Of course, I read this just before a lesson, but I almost burst out laughing. This business of three women wanting him has really gone to his head!
Now, back at bomb time, I said the very same thing, he travelled around the world and his ego got big, and he found there were women 'interested' in him, so he thought he would drop his responsibilities like a hot potato and play the field.
Luckily, with my lessons I couldn't reply. In fact, there is no reply to such a missive. Will grandly ignore it and just enjoy myself over New Year's. He is tooooooooooo far gone right at this moment to lose sleep over, except that I worry that something might push him over the edge.
Anyway, when I got back to my computer after the lessons, I found a reply to him from OW 1 (remember, my ex-friend) which is also circulated to all three of us!!
She thought she swould take a leaf out of H's book (bunching us all together) and reply to all in likewsie manner. She has never met OW 2, but Livnlearn has been hurt enough ( gosh, she has noticed???) and she doesn't mean to hurt us further....
But says, H is behaving like a strutting cock, who after years of wallowing in gloom, probably brought on by himself, he has now got his little harem and has decided to shoo us off like flies who are anoying him. By writing like that to all of us he has humiliated the three of us. (Livnearn note: *I* don't feel humiliated, rather, I feel sorry for H ... )
Says, many have commented on H's pompousness but OW 1 has always defended him, now she sees they are right and she was wrong.
So, not to count on any friendship or sisterhood with her.
Sorry, that was just too funny. I think I'd be glad to be going away for a while too. But keep us updated on any further replies. The guy is "out there"
I think your approach of simply ignoring it is the best approach (oh, and how nice of OW1 to say you don't deserve to be hurt anymore - after she spent all last week trying to woo back your H!!!!).
I'd say, the biggest clue here is that it is seriously time to drop the rope. If this is H's current mindset, then give him what he wants. Don't pursue. Tell him (after you return from New Years) that in light of his message, you've rethought your April deadline and are taking him at his word - and will be needing him to take DD every weekend so you can date!
Honestly, LNL - he's just such a mess right now, it's laughable. Time to create your own East Bay Mystery Man, like GBO has
Have fun on your weekend.
Do NOT get drawn into ANY conversations with H on this email now - do not reply, do not talk to any OW, nothing, nada.
Quote: Do NOT get drawn into ANY conversations with H on this email now - do not reply, do not talk to any OW, nothing, nada.
Exactly, I didn't even need coaching on that this time!!
In fact, H just rang a short while ago. Before answering I knew it would be H, so I put on my brightest and breeziest voice to say "Hello?" I just thought I would pretend I hadn't received the note yet, if he brought it up, but in any case, I wouldn't sound anything less than fine.
And this time, I had NOOOOO difficulty doing that, so I must be getting it!!!!!
H told me about when D would be picked up tomorrow, and I said fine! And fine! to everything else he told me to send up with her. Then I handed the phone over to D. I feel absolutely OK.
I am not perfect, but it REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY isn't about me!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: I am not perfect, but it REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY isn't about me!
Yes, it's really important to get that. Not that it lets the LBS off the hook for working on their own issues, and the things we can do better - indeed, that's really all we truly have control over, and working on ourselves does bring results - but 90% + of this is not about the LBS, but all about the WASs problems. Your H is really confused.
Hmmm..... maybe next time he asks to stay at your house while you are gone, you can tell him your boyfriend wouldn't like it
Use this time to reclaim yourself, LNL. Make and keep those New year's resolutions. Keep GAL. Either he'll run to catch up or he won't - drop the illusion that you have any control over that. Your future is bright either way - with all you've learned and grown, how could it be anything less than fabulous?
Quote: Hmmm..... maybe next time he asks to stay at your house while you are gone, you can tell him your boyfriend wouldn't like it
Funny you should say that, when we had our talk on Christmas day and he told me he wouldn't stay as he felt he was here on sufferance, H came up with - maybe when you have found a guy I'll come and stay here with you then. And I shot back, if I get a guy, you won't be staying here at all! I think that took him aback a little.
See, I have been very forgiving of my boyfriends from way back when they have dumped me, after I have got over it. Just don't think that I will feel the same about a husband who dumps me and puts me through all this. Like have him staying in my home if I move on and get involved with another guy? I don't think so. Like you say Ellie, I don't think HE would like it!!
And before all this H and I were relaxed about old boyfriends and girlfriends being a part of our lives still, but look what he did to my trust, with a friend?
Quote: Make and keep those New year's resolutions.
Which ones?????
When I get back though, I will post something, to refer to.
I am soooo looking forward to having a few days off just for fun and without any responsibilities!!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I had a good few days away, just blobbed out really, eating, sleeping whenever I wanted, chatting with friends and watching TV and going for walks in between!
I sent D up to H's place with two bags worth of food shopping (as he had requested me to send some), including some nice things - treats - as I knew H wouldn't have much up there and I wanted D to have a nice time at least. Soon after D reached there, H rang, but I had already left on my trip. He left a message which I have only just read, sounding very happy, thanking me for the goodies and wishing me a happy time.
At midnight on New Year's I sent a text message greeting to both D and H, then remembered his mobile doesn't get the signal up there, tried to ring his home phone and they were out. So I rang the morning of the first to wish them. H was curious about where I was, and was fishing for information. That's the second time he tried to pinpoint exactly where I was and with whom. But I continued to be vague (he hasn't met these particular friends anyway!) Emphasised the nice multi multi course dinner I had had the previous evening, and he told me he and D had been up the road to a friends' place. I spoke to D too.
Then no contact. This morning I noticed that I had had lots of missed calls on my mobile, but I must have been in the other room and didn't hear them. Thought it might be H wanting to know when we had agreed for D to return and I was firm in my mind that I wanted till Tuesday evening free, as agreed. So called him back , all bright and breezy.
H said, the landlord and family have already returned, swore about them, then said when can I bring D down. I told him I had plans until the evening of Tues, so not earlier. He sighed and said, OK, I'll get her to the bus on Wednesday morning. I said, are you planning to put her on the bus alone? He said, of course not (he has suggested this, plus putting her on planes, aged seven, in the past, so I don't know why he sounded so irritated!) Then he said that HE had plans for Wednesday, which would have to be shelved. So I just said ahah to that. He asked me to meet him at the bustop, as there would be quite a lot of stuff, and he would have his day bag. I agreed, as it is just down the road. He couched the request in terms of what would be helpful to him, not as a demand.
Then, he asked if I was still away, and where was it exactly, was it a hotel? I told him no, it was friends, and he finally managed to 'place' them.....
I have planned to spend next weekend away too, with his nephew and family, at THEIR invitation. D is coming too of course.
I have not made any allusion to H's circular or OW 1's answer. I think he will look back on it with some embarrassment, soonish.
OK, taking a leaf out of Slowly's thread, here is a list of things achieved through 2004 -
I have stayed on an even keel regarding H (in his presence) throughout - I have not responded in anger even once to any of H's frequent outbursts, including going to the court over the SA and having a coffee with him afterwards, and joking... or when he has exploded in abuse and violence, and I have just validated what he was saying and removed myself from the scene.
I have cried a little in front of D but have not talked H down in front of her.
I have restablished contact with some friends and relatives of H who I thought may have been embarrassed or taken sides, but found in fact they were sad for what had happened and they have reached out to me instead, inviting me to stay with them, visit etc.
I did my big trip this summer despite lots of ranting from H, got to see my aunt before she died, and saw my mother a fair bit before she died too.
I have more or less reached the point in the financial arrangements where H cannot fairly accuse me of not doing/earning enough. But I still have to find the money from somehwere
Two projects which I was invited to do (present) in November, one big and one smaller, I have managed to carry out, and I hope they will lead to bigger things. The response has been good so far.
Another year-long project has been completed, I have to work on the presentation, and hawking it around to get interest in it. If either or both of these get funding it will be a huge boost to my self-esteem and swell the bank balance as well.
Continuing on from the above, get funding for two of my big projects and get them out into the light of day.
Lose the final bit of weight and get fit. Target weight is 56 to 58 kgs. DO my morning exercises at least five mornings a week, and get in two weekly sessions of jogging or swimming in as well.
Organise my house better - for example my office area, put up pictures and frames, other little jobs around the house.
Publicise my classes better to get more students.
Organise at least one fun weekend every month, maybe including going away for the weekend. This year I already have visits from three sets of people pencilled in....(all self invited after I issued open invitations!)
If I can locate a dance or self defence class and organise childcare, then join that.
Depending on how soon my mother's estate is wound up, I may think about getting a car so as to be more mobile!
Well, that's a start!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
)
But I continued to be vague (he hasn't met these particular friends anyway!) Emphasised the nice multi multi course dinner I had had the previous evening, and he told me he and D had been up the road to a friends' place. I spoke to D too.