Yeah. I do believe that my h can overcome his problems. But I feel deep down, that I should wait until my children have grown up before trying to help him further. Also, I think it could be wise to divorce him.
But back to Liv her Christmas was very familiar to me. It so struck a chord. And of course she has a d9. Now, all I will say is I THINK my kids may be better off with their dad living down the road. LOL notice that I'm hedging my bets because I don't have the benefit of hindsight (not yet). My children do miss their dad....but are happy knowing that they can see him when they want to....and if they don't want to they don't have to. Their father can be difficult. So, if that's the case, possibly it may apply to others especially if they can see similarities. I don't know. And of course it's not for me to say.
I hope that my comments won't be taken as being offensive in anyway. I certainly don't mean them that way. I'm just debating.
I think that some WAS' behavior change is temporary and some want it to remain permanent. They found something out about themselves (and so did we) that they evidently like very much. My WA likes being single and has no intention of changing that. So I don't see his change as temporary.
It's up to us to decide when or if we've had enough. We're not completely powerless, we still get to choose.
Hey LnL - Just managed to get caught up here - wow what a rough few days.
(((((LnL)))))
To me, it seems like a break from this whole thing may be just what is needed - I sense extreme fatigue in everyone - and Ellie's idea of skiing sounds fab
I am very interested in all the posts here, and am not in the least bit offended. I just don't have time right now to respond to all the thought thrown out, I will just update a little and get back to the other points later.
Well, the bit about H telling me he felt he was here over Christmas on sufferance really got me thinking. I couldn't get my head around it. I thought I had done everything to make him feel welcome and well tended to. But see, in this situation, it is sooooooo hard to know just what level of friendliness is right.
Going back to last year, when he was here over New Year, when it was the beginning of friendly contact some seven to eight months after the bomb, I remember one meal he got up abruptly and changed the lighting, saying it was too 'romantic'. We have a spotlight affair over the dining table, and general lights in the room. I had switched off the general lights and just had the spot lights on, which he objected to. I just saw it as making a nice atmosphere using the lights that in fact *we* had installed one year earlier, in our NEW house, in an attempt to make it cosier and nicer than our old house, which had badly thought out lighting.
So if I am nice, I am trying too hard, I am trying to manipulate him, seduce him, whatever.
And if I am not nice enough, then he is here on sufferance, I am humiliating him, stealing from him, not compromising etc etc.
He obviously is in some kind of fog if he thinks I am not going to object to him staying here with an OW as well.
Anyhow, I emailed him yesterday, thanking him for the raisin bread he had brought over, said we were enjoying it, and then asked him to tell me what made him feel he was here on sufferance, to please allow me to understand his POV?
I have had no reply to that yet.
But, I got a call a short while ago. H sounding agitated. Said it had started snowing up in the hills. I came back with "Oh wow, that's great, D will love that" and he said, after sighing, that he had just attempted to hitch a lift up to the town to go shopping, but that all the so-called Christians driving past had declined to stop and give him a lift, some had even rolled down their windows and shouted at him. So please would I send up some food with D for the holiday period. I said, sure. I have just been out to drop D off at a friend's house to play and done a bit of shopping.
My gut instinct is always to feel bad for H and want to help him out, invite him down etc. Even cancel my plans and invite him here instead, where it is warm and comfortable, but I know at this point these suggestions would backfire.
What is a LBS to do?
Now if I go away and have a nice time, leave our comfy flat empty and H and D have anything less than a brilliant New Year, it will of course be my fault. I will no doubt 'pay' for it with further bouts of ranting and bad temper and P/A behaviour.
Any thoughts?
Livnlearn
PS. Ellie, I am not going anywhere near a ski resort. Also, I cannot afford anything more fancy than visiting friends at the moment.
Yesterday, I had an impromtu skipping rope competition with D, and got up to 45 skips before tripping on the rather short rope, and D got up to 51, but she was pleased to see me at least attempt something with her.
Then we went ice skating in the evening, and for most of the hour on the ice I was the oldest person skating by some fifteen years.
After that we went to good friend's house for dinner, and there met other friends/acquaintances, who have a room to let in their house down in the city. It sounds like a very good deal, all inclusive price, so no extra bills. Was wondering whether to tell H about it, but worried it will somehow backfire.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I think that is a part of the unselfish love we have for our spouses is to always want to help them out. Maybe it is all about control though? That is something I have given a lot of thought too and still not came up with an answer.
If we are helping them out, (taking care of them in some way), aren't we then in control of the sitch?
I have read so many times, you seem to have the most friends and they all DO things for fun!!
Mine all work all the time!
I think you are doing a wonderful job of getting on with your life. Doing things with D and friends, working on your project. I have no idea what it is but I think it is AWESOME that you have made the progress that you have on it!!!
Have a great New Year with your friends.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I married this man, I loved and still love him, he has many faults and I don't find him 'easy', and I want to do things for him, things that will please him, still.
I have sat on my hands for the most part, I know he had an awful Christmas last year, because he told me about it. He was on his own and ill. I and D were in other country, we emailed back and forth quite a lot. It was shortly after the first tentative feelers had been put out.
I thought this year it would actually be a shame (I would feel ashamed) to think that my H (not ex in my eyes) and D's Dad would have a similar kind of Christmas almost under our noses. It all seems so *unecessary* to me!
Again, I feel responsibiltiy for H's Christmas. Does that mean I wish to control him? I don't know.
Of course, I have had New Year plans so as to pre-empt any rejection from H. What if I had said to him at the beginning, shall we celebrate Christmas and New Year together as a family with D? If he had said, no way, I have other plans (.... with OW or whatever) I would have felt crushed and humiliated, so I got going and made my own plans. I don't know if this (my New Year plan) affects H much or not.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I agree a lot of what you or any of us and the WAS have to go through seems unnecessary. I actually remember thinking that word exactly when dealing with D. It is like if you could just talk and try to conquer the problems together they would be dealt with so much quicker!
I think I was projecting on the Control. I always wanted to do for D and sort of take care of him. Which in a way amounted to mothering him and I think he saw it as control.
I think you are doing the right thing showing him you are building your life but willing to be helpful and friendly still. So you are still there but not just sitting around waiting for him to come back. You don't want him back because he is lonely or sees you as someone to take care of him.
So go LNL! Start your New Year off GREAT!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I've never posted to you before, but have been reading your thread for some time.
I don't really have much in the way of advice, but wanted to let you know that I think you are doing an outstanding job of dealing with your H and his crazymaking.
And what a life you seem to be living! I envy all the dinner parties you go to and also have! It sounds like you really enjoy yourself! My biggest enjoyment is meeting girlfriends for lunch. It's become one of my most favorite things to do.
It really does sound like your H is still VERY confused and needs to blame others (namely you) for his predicament (sp?). You can validate his complaints, and not agree with them, right?
Anyway, just wanted to say Way To Go! and I hope you have a great time with your New Years plans. Have fun and enjoy yourself, and try not to worry about whether H is going to blame you for all his problems. Right now your in a no-win situation. You might as well do what makes you happiest!
Happy New Year,
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Thanks for your input. I STILL don't have an answer to the questions posed as I have been busy today...
But, a further update.
H rang this evening, told me his landlord wasn't going up tomorrow as planned but the day after. Somehow I understood him to mean on Friday evening like he often used to do when going up on a regular weekend. I have plans to leave on Friday morning. H thought I was leaving tomorrow. So H was talking about the possiblities of my leaving D at a friend's house for him to pick up tomorrow.
Then I asked about whether he wanted the shopping he asked me to do? He said, I can't manage that and D up to my house, (he lives in a fairly isolated place). Then H said, in a calm way, either I need to stay at your place overnight, or take her to stay with OW 1, you tell me what you think.
Well, at least he wasn't TELLING me or threateneing me, he was outlining his difficulty. My mind was in a fuddle, I had had so many people reschedule lessons etc, I was just telling H that I would think about a solution, when it occured to me we had been talking at cross purposes - D could go up with the landlord on Friday morning. So that was settled.
Positives -
H wasn't belligerent or aggressive.
He is being upfront about possibly needing to take D to OW 1, and avoiding it, not doing it and rubbing my face in it.
He isn't spending New Year with OW 1, I don't think. (I hope she isn't going up there..... )
-----------------------------------------------
I am feeling a littel more positive about life today. Having agreed to pay half the mortgage means less pressure on H, and my problem will be to find the money, not have an eternally angry H breathing down my neck. The agreement will remain the same, so if things get really bad, I may have to revert ot it, but hopefully not.
I was independent before I married H, and I wasn't the one with a private income either, I just managed and lived within my means. So I need to find my feet again.
Wonder what H willl come up with next?
He has still not answered my query about why he felt he was here on sufferance.
I have another busy day tomorrow, so don't know when I will post next, until next week, and I haven't even got my New Year's resolutions sorted out!!!! Oh well, better busy than depressed, huh?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
