Boy oh boy do I get the idea. I remember you saying to me that my h seemed so much like your h......you're right. I read about your Christmas and thought to myself "thank goodness I didn't see hide nor hair of my h over the Christmas holiday". The main difference is that my h most probably would have punched me one. You must take care to protect yourself Liv.
Anyway, the other thing I wanted to comment on was you saying why do you bother? Friends tell you to let him go and give up on him. Well, I get that too. Reading your thread is helping me to see why people say that to me. I so want to be back with my h just like you want to be back with yours but why? Then a friend sent me an e mail about love and attachment. I read it....I could see the point....it helped a little.....but I need to mull it over a while. I'm going to copy the mail here for you....it's a personal mail to my friend.....I'll delete his name and i hope he doesn't mind me posting it here.
What's to negotiate? If you have a serious relationship problem, you're obviously not getting what you hoped to get out of being in that relationship and it's not serving you to stay in it unless you just like being the victim.
My bet is that the other party is dealing with you in a way that he or she thinks is okay--part of the unwritten agreement. You see once you've put up with some form of mistreatment without protest, you've allowed that sort of behavior to become the norm. You have an unwritten agreement that how he or she is treating you is okay.
The only solution for that relationship is for you to negotiate a new agreement.
The place of power from which you must negotiate your new agreement is a stance that has you outside the relationship, intending to choose back into it with a new understanding.
If a new agreement cannot be reached, there’s no basis for a continuing relationship. This attitude may seem cold and hard until you stop consider that the real purpose of a relationship is to provide you with the experience of being who you are.
All your relationships serve that purpose—even those that seem to upset you. What I’m saying here is that the job you don’t like serves you by allowing you to be the victim of a boss you don’t like, doing work you don’t like so you can be the lightweight you’ve chosen to be in that relationship. Your way back to power is to give up your role as the victim.
Negotiate out of choice, not attachment, and never out of fear
When I suggest choosing out of a relationship with the intention of choosing back into it under a new agreement, I’m never surprised by the fearful reactions and the looks of disbelief that I would even suggest such a thing.
Let me assure you that the greatest possible relationship you could ever have would be one where you were clearly there in that relationship by choice, not because you were afraid not to be.
When you’re in a relationship only because you’re afraid of what life might be like out of it, you don’t really have a relationship; you have an attachment. If you can’t see yourself outside the relationship choosing back in under new rules, you are hooked.
The basis for your relationship is fear, not love. If you remain in a relationship because you are afraid not to be in it, you are firmly attached. Don’t tell me that’s love, because it isn’t!
*********************************************************** I hope you don't mind me posting that on your thread Liv.
I would imagine that you'd like to read that and think about it for a while. But i would be interested in your comments Liv.
