Considering how ugly Friday night was, Christmas passed off surprisingly well. H cools down quite fast after blowouts. Just 36 hours after his outburst, he was hugging me a little tenderly, and it was initiated from his side, not mine. I suppose that says something.
Also, I pointed out to him I had never seen his place, so he said I should come up some time.
He has vague plans to spend six weeks in my country of origin, researching his project.
At one point, I said to H, H I don't understand something, we have SOOOOOO much in common (interests and work), yet instead of helping each other, we are at loggerheads, why is that? And he sort of mumbled, shrugged.
He said that communication was always bad during our marriage, he felt he could never tell me what he was really thinking. I said, how come? I used to plead with him to tell me what was up, and he wouldn't say anything. He says now that we are not married (!!!!) we can talk about the things that we didn't talk about. I didn't rise to the bait and correct him about the technicalities of being married or not.
He said as he lives his life and gets older, the one thing he knows is that the whole idea of principles is hogwash, the world is really run by people doing what they want and being unprincipled. "Principles" were just a pretence. I forgot to validate, instead I posed the idea that priniciples were an ideal that some people strove for, if they fell short it was less a 'pretence', more a human failing. He didn't disagree.
Before H arrived, I was telling D that when her Dad was here we would sort out the broken blind in her room. D said, yes, Daddy needs to do it because he is strong! I groaned inside, and said, no, I can do it, it is just that it needs two adults because one has to hold it while the other fixes the mechanism. I am the DIYer around here, though H THINKS he is...
So when H is here, he tells me the blind is broken and I say, yes, I was waiting till you came, so we could fix it together. H says, you need to call a technician, and proceeds to tell me how it works, which in fact I don't think is the case, I tell him how I think it works, and he says, you may be right. But as he is gone in a trice (three days early), the blind never got fixed. Nor did he take his boxes of stuff up the three flights of stairs to the attic (which he said would only take 20 minutes - you know, typical P/A stuff, everyting is so 'easy' - will get done tomorrow etc, only it never gets done.)
Let me see, when I read on these boards that WAHs come over and fix things in the house, check on things, shovel snow and all that, I can tell you, my H hasn't done a THING for me in all this time, not one. He is not practically minded, and he doesn't see it as his responsibility. Not at all.
I think H would love for me to decide to move away from this country, cause we would have to sell the house and then he would get access to his share of the equity, which he doesn't have access to at the moment. But he has said he would never buy a house again, it is too much of a liability, so he would run through the money in no time, I can guarantee that. I stopped short of telling him that this house was some security for HIS old age. He really seems to want to escape all responsibility. I have no idea what he thinks more custody of D would mean (it is something he vaguely talks about as a way of paying me less), that he still wouldn't have to bother getting and maintianing a decent home for her to stay in. The ONLY home he has had since leaving his own parent's home is our marital home. Before that he was semi nomadic and lived in relative squalour, not from lack of money but from lack of any nest building skills.
Anyway, I'm tired and have to catch up on two nights of disturbed sleep. By the way, he mentioned my depression again, saying how I slept in the afternoons. Well, it is very rare indeed, I just did it a couple of times on H's recent visits partly out of not having much better to do when he was sort of ignoring me and playing with D. Then he looked sheepish as he remembered that he had slept both afternoons here, once for three hours when he had to be woken up by D who wanted to do things with him. He says he doesn't sleep much these days.
Oh, and I asked him about his hospital appointment, and he again said, oh, I forgot again.... I wonder if the woderful OW 1 has ever reminded him to go get his appointment? When he spends days at her place right next to the places he can get the appointment....
You know, I don't want to nag, but I do worry about this complete lack of taking anything seriously.
Ok, to bed soon.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I didn't rise to the bait and correct him about the technicalities of being married or not.
