Hi again

Well, here's what we talked about in no particualr order, we talked maybe two hours, and it wasn't very DBing stuff, although I did remember to validate a few times.

Here are a couple of things I mananged to validate - that H was finding it diffiuclt to come up with enough money to pay his committments to me and live well. And that he had been a help to me years ago when I had a family matter to sort out.

First off, H had informed me Christmas morning that he would stay the night and get a lift back up to his place on Sunday morning (so at least he wan't going to stay with OW 1) The landlord was going up again on Thursday, so I could send D up to him then, until the 4th.

I said to H that he was welcome to stay here until the Thursday, both he and I had work to be geting on with, so that was not a problem. He said, thanks, but no thanks. He said he feels he is here on sufferance. I was taken aback by that. I had invited him, laid on a full Christmas meal with trimmings, cooked and cleaned and washed up the whole two days he had been there, was pleasant and friendly, made sure there were presents to him from myself and D, what more was I supposd to do? It turns out that because H feels he 'pays for everything' (I am SOOOOOO tired of hearing that...) he should have the 'right' to come here, stay here and all that, that it is HIS place as much as mine.....

I reminded him that the reason I didn't want him staying here without my being here was that he wasn't able to guarantee not bringing OW here. He laughed, and said as if I would. Where have I heard that before? I said he broke a promise before, he said, oh that, we've already gone over that, OW turned up in the rain, and what, should I have turned her away? I said, yup! He said, I suppose I could have asked her to go to a hotel...

He said, OW 1 won't be coming here, I have had her all week crying and telling me she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, that last year (when she dumped him) was all a mistake, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with OW 1! As much as I love her (OUCH!) she has problems, but she is on medication now (what, stops her being manipulative and telling lies????)

I am afraid I let fly, telling him about what a manipulative B she was, supposedly my friend and plotting to get H. H maintains that the PA didn't start until after he left (like the day after, so that's OK!) and I pointed out that the groundwork for the A was laid while he was with me, that under those circumstances he was NOT working (trying) on our marriage as he states he was. He said, I suppose so. He 'couldn't remember' a number of things I told him about. I told him I had cards and things written by him for him to see, in his own handwriting.

I pointed out that one of the things he states was the reason for leaving was my supposed out of control spending, that while I was away the month before the bomb, he looked at his bank statement and decided he couldn't live like that any more, money was at the base of our problems. I told him, that till date I hadn't had a chance to challenge his view that it was MY spending - the month before he had not paid/paid too late two utilites bills when he had gone away, they were threatenening to cut off supplies, he asked me (over the phone) to pay them again (that is, twice) to make sure and he would sort it out when he got back. I had NOT spent money in any untoward way. He just brushed my explanation away, said, whatever. I got indignant, said, WHATEVER????? You don't even approach me about this, assume it was my spending, and leave me and D because of it?? That's OK????

I told him I could never get over how he could have just upped and gone one day, after 1) writing me the most lovely letter to his 'wonderful wife' six weeks before and 2) assuring me he would NEVER jeopadise his M and family for a fling /OW. After getting those assurances, I go away on a trip and within the week he is telling people that he is going to email me that he is leaving me...

H agrees that that was not very nice to do. Says it was his error and regret that he didn't go about things better, but that anyway it is too late now, he has moved on.....

H tells me he has changed these last two years. I asked, very interested, in what ways? He says, I have become crueller. I said, great?!

He said, I have for too long just lived my life to please others, now I realise I have to please myself. I am the most important person in my life. (Isn't that a classic sign of MLC, especially when it flies in the face of the facts? Many think he was a most inattentive H)

H said, I am always giving giving giving, offering support. I asked, like what? He said - in relation to the OW, one financial and the other emotional. (So he felt the squeeze having to support his wife and D as well as OW 2. Well, Golly Gee.) H had quipped at another time, he didn't understand why OW 2 was poor, she was so good at so many things. But he has always had so many incrediable stories about/from her, that I am inclinded to believe that she makes some of it up, quite frankly. And H himself called OW 1 a fantastist last year. I asked, what about OW 1 wanting to get back together with her H? H replied with a dismissive wave of his hand, oh god, that's been over long ago. Just like 'bl**dy' H of OW 2 was 'bothering' them while H was in other country getting together with OW 2 way back in January this year. Totally callous about other people's suffering.

He said he ever used the word love any more, if people used it at all, it was for sure they didn't mean it. People were not equal. The sexes were not equal. He loved me during the first years of our marriage, then he stopped, though he couldn't put a date on it.

He had a 'connection' with OW 1 (I think he means sexual, she's up for more than I am - I have to draw the line at degrading, frankly)

Now he has OW 1, OW 2, me and D all saying they love him and want him. D and myself are considered on an equal footing with OW, it seems, in H's new world order.

Says D is the most well adjusted little girl he knows. So (by implication) this breakup doesn't affect her in any way. Well hello, I wonder how that happened, perhaps with me doing 'nothing' and stealing everything from him?????

Another time he mentioned that D doesn't have any bad habits, like biting her nails. D and I looked at each other, she bit her nails for three months after the bomb, and we gradually weaned her off the habit, it was OBVIOUSLY due to the stress and uncertainty of the times, she has never done it before or since. H was blissfully unaware that she had even been doing it. He was so busy in my country of origin telling my friends he was free at last, and then having it off with OW1 in his mountain love nest.


To be continued, I need a break!

Livnlearn

"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates