Remember I sent up a written invitation to H with D, inviting him here over Chrsitmas and the day after? Thought this would show we wanted to include him, but I wasn't so pushy as to invite him for a whole week or whatever, so he wouldn't feel pursued or pressured?
Then HE asked if he could stay from Friday, then Thursday till the following Tuesday or Wednesday, and I said fine? Then HE changes it to arriving on Friday, and I said FINE.
Well, he turns up on Friday around lunchtime. He asks if he can do a wash (clothes), have a bath, shave... tells me he is very tired, wants to sleep after lunch as he hasn't been sleeping well, he has had an EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING week....
I say fine to all of this, do his wash for him, he has a three hour sleep... We have a pleasant dinner.
Then, in front of D, H says, when are you going away? I say, well I was waiting to hear form you the exact days you would be having D so I can firm up my arrangements. H says, I told you I would have her about from the 30th till the 3rd or 4th... I said, OK, I will go ahead and make plans.
Then he says, while you are away, D and I could stay here. I say, please let's talk about this later (when D is not present, as I don't want H staying here while I am away, last time he allowed OW 2 to stay here after promising he wouldn't) but he wouldn't drop the subject, kept on at me for an answer. So I finally said, well, the anwer is no then, I'd rather not.
H got a look on his face that was pure hate and rage. He didn't say anything, but D kept asking him, why are you looking like that Daddy?
Then H looked at me right up close with his jaw clenched and said, you will have to compromise about something, I am not asking you, I am telling you! Threatening.
I said again, please can we talk about this later.
I started busying myself with washing the dishes. H had left the room and then came striding back, boiling with rage and aggression, yanked the object that was in my hand at that moment and hurled it aside, slightly hurting my finger in the process, and then slammed the kitchen cupboard door hard and looked like he was going to embark on one of his smashing his fist into things sprees. Although I was totally calm mentally, I was frightened, and my heart was thumping loudly. H looked as if he could start on me next... (he has a history of punching things, but has not punched me)
I left what I was doing and made to move away. I said, please calm down... or... (I was thinking of what to say) and H finished, what, call the police? Well, the thought had crossed my mind, he looked like he was going to trash the place.
H started shouting, look at all this - all that you can see here has been *stolen* from me. I have paid for everything in this f***ing house. I want you to give me my bank card now and agree to paying half the mortgage now, and his face was bright red with aggression and close up to mine. He repeated the same thing a few times very threateningly and I just retreated into my bedroom. He was NOT in any resonable state for talk or dicussion.
He then said, I can't stay here for Christmas, I agreed it may not be a good idea under the circumstances, he stormed out of the room, and made a phone call to OW 1 which I could hear through the walls, asking if he could stay there the following night for a couple of nights. He then disappeared into the room he was sleeping in and left me to myself.
(Just an aside, it emerged he had stayed most of last week with OW 1 but had gone up to his place for a night before coming down for his dinner with 'friends'.)
Guess what, I didn't sleep too well that night. But I wrote a note saying, D has looked forward to your days here for so long, she is so excited, please don't ruin her Christmas, stay as planned and on Monday or Tuesday she can go over to a friend's house to play and we can talk about all this stuff freely. I left it in the bathroom so he could see it when he got up the next morning. Oh, and I started the note with a validating - gosh, you must have had an exhausting week and you are all wound up....
Of course D was up early on Christmas day to check if Santa had been and to open her presents. H was still asleep. He seems to sleep well for someone so wound up! I got D to deliver the note to him, and he agreed to stay for Christmas and one more night.
So, we had an OK Christmas. Both H and I had bought a DVD for each other, a token, nothing too much. And I had bought a little joke present which he seemed to find quite amusing.
I had made a nice lunch, includig home made Christmas pudding which had had to steamed a total of eight hours, but my apetite was almost non existent. Then I did the washing up while H fell asleep on the sofa.
The whole day my mind was churning. When H was asleep, I went for a walk on my own in the park, and searched in my heart for what to do, some inspiration. I am not sure I got any, but I decided I had to go out on a limb, maybe not DB stuff at all, but I was ready for a LRT of some sort. I can't go on acting 'as if' under these circumstances for much longer. At times things are explosive.
I resoved to talk to H that night when D was in bed. I told her to cooperate about going to bed without a fuss, as I needed to talk with her Dad about important stuff. D said, I hope you won't shout like yesterday? I said, I certainly hope it won't come to that. Though in fact *I* didn't even raise my voice the night before, it was all H.
So anyway, the rest of the day passed off peacefully, H and D joined me in the park and we had a drink in a cafe, played cards in the evening, watched a DVD and then D went to bed.
Will continue in another post.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Then I did the washing up while H fell asleep on the sofa.
