By the way, I forgot to say, H confirmed he was staying with OW 1. D asked where he was staying when it emerged he hadn't just arrived from his place and he had to tell her, in a very casual way...
It is weird, he is staying in town a number of days, he mentioned meeting up with another friend, but he only sees D once, so I don't buy all that 'missing her so much' stuff. He uses it is to push my buttons when it's really about other issues.
You know, the way we relate to our children when we LIVE with them is utterly different to how we relate to them at intervals during VISITATION.
The latter can be so false and stressed. The absent parent is looking for qualtiy time but the kid just sees it as more of his life. There is the tendency to think up loads of entertainments to make the time together special, while what D seems to like best is for the me to just be there while she's watching her cartoons, maybe come and watch one with her once in a while, help her with some art or craft project when she needs it etc.
I would hate to have to be reduced to just 'visitation'. It would break my heart. I know H loves D very much. I accept he doesn't show it in all the same ways that I do.
D is still nursing her injury and we hope she'll be fit enough to do her karate exam on Tuesday. After that I plan to take her ice skating in town where they have put up a temporary ice rink in one of the squares.
One of my ex cooking students is buying her sister a series of English lessons with me as a Chrsitmas present. I thought that was cute and I have a little more money for presents etc.
One thing I am slowly coming to realise and *feel* more, is that, as Ellie suggested, I should proceed in the financial department as though H isn't there. I will NOT personalise any lack of money and make it HIS fault. Even though I would not have found myself in a large flat, with a child to raise, in a foreign country, if there hadn't been an H in the first place. But I am going to try and think of H and money in separate boxes as much as I can.
My project work is going online next week, and I wish I wasn't annonymous on this BB so I could tell you all where to go and have a look!
Both H and I are struggling with self esteem and personal fulfillment issues. He feels he has to toil at boring 'piece work' and can't get the satisfaction that comes from being more creative and being successful in a field he cares about. I feel the same, I live far away from the place I am doing my project work in, and I am 100% committed to being a good mother, so due to time constraints and logistics I can't do as much as I'd like on the personal work front, in addition to which now I have to work much more for my bread and butter.
Yet the fact is we would both be better off in our M than separate! Both in terms of pooling resources, and from the childcare angle as we could go away more.
One last thing, yesterday, H opened a bottle (one of mine) of quite nice wine to use in his cooking, then poured himself a glass, but didn't offer me any. He sat there throughout lunch without noticing this. In fact I poured myself some water, but he sure ain't Mr Good Manners.
I have long struggled to come up with what my LL is. Frankly, I would have liked more of EVERYTHING in my M. More tender touch, more listening when I was down, more respect in terms of basic manners (H can be short and rude with everyone, not just me), more willingness to do something with me that he didn't fancy particularly, just for me (less selfishness) etc etc. A feeling that H was putting himself out just sometimes in order to please me, rather than just himself.
Enough musings for one morning, I've got work to do!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
He wanted to tell me he still had D's hairbrush and toothbrush with him from last weekend.
Said that one of his agencies had asked him to come in to the office to do ten minutes of work on the Thursday of next week, so would it be OK for him to come down Thursday instead of Friday? I said OK. I have felt all along he was angling for this!
Asked if he could borrow a piece of my equipment to take on his projected trip to my country of origin early next year. I said OK.
Then he asked, are you here this weekend or going away? I said, we're here. Didn't elaborate or invite, I have to be getting on with work as much as I can. And he's soon going to be here a number of days over Christmas.
Perhaps I am being mean, but I like to think that he needs to experience life without a crutch (OW) and without Livnlearn and D always available at the drop of a hat, on his terms only.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I was extremely busy all weekend putting the finishing touches to my work on the website, and it should be online by tomorrow. Just hope it gets the response I am looking for, that is - fantastic!
H hasn't been in touch since he rang Saturday morning, and finished with "I'll ring to speak to D tonight". Should I be worried - either for his safety, or thinking he is digging in deep with OW 1? I tried to ring his home number but no one is picking up. He usually phones D once every two days, but he hasn't spoken to her since lunchtime on Friday. He hasn't visited the internet site that he posts to recently either.
I would ring his cell phone to find out if he is OK, but don't want to be pursuing. Sometimes I wonder if H thinks I don't care about him when I don't get in touch from my side? Who knows. Most likely, he is kissing and making up with OW 1 right now.
I was thinking right now, I could cope with H not wanting me again, with him going away, even with total abandonment, including financially, which would be very hard, at least at the start, etc, but having our D go over to OW 1's place for New Year's and all that stuff, that is what would gut me, it really would. I am wondering if I could put a stop to that if it were to come up as a possibility. I want that witch out of my life and my D's life for ever.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Personal situation aside for the moment, your website project sounds exhilarating and fufilling. It is good to hear all your enthusiasm.
Now on the personal side, it sounds like H is still up to his P/A tricks. Making you feel uncertain and angry by his lack of communication or confusion about when and with whom he is communicating, ie: you or D??.
And maybe some of that anger is getting a little misdireted towards OW. Now not to say that she doesn't deserve it!!!! But in reality, try to remember this is not about her. It's about him.
He is the one who you need to look to for responsibility here. It is his decision to keep the "relationship", however stupid it may be, going.
He obviously, doesn't think about whether you are worried or not when you don't hear from him, or he uses it as a way to get you to feel uncertain( and It's working now isn't it!!)..... But it would appear your concerns are not on his radar scope right now....The only thing he thinks about seems to be HIS agenda. SOOOOOOOO, try not to worry about him too much. He will just have to fend for himself!
And we both know thinking about what he may or may not be doing with OW is simply not good for you!! Try some thought Stopping and put your mind to rest...
Big Hugs!!!!!!
Trish
ps. I bet it's actually bothering him that you haven't been pursuing and getting all worried!! He has to have alittle conscience on his shoulder whispering, " Why hasn't she been more curious about what I'm up to?!"
Quote: He obviously, doesn't think about whether you are worried or not when you don't hear from him, or he uses it as a way to get you to feel uncertain( and It's working now isn't it!!)..... But it would appear your concerns are not on his radar scope right now....The only thing he thinks about seems to be HIS agenda. SOOOOOOOO, try not to worry about him too much. He will just have to fend for himself!
LNL, I wholeheartedly agree with this. Let him fend for himself, figure out his own stuff.
No, dwelling on OWs or anger about them isn't going to help you get where you want. But it's also healthy to have those reactions and feelings. I think it's fine to let them out... that way you're not dwelling on them or working so hard to not have them that they are eating you up on the inside. Let it out, let it go. And onto more important things like LNL and D.
It's wonderful to hear your excitement about the web site. Woo hoo! I am working on one too... a lot of work, they are. You should be very proud of accomplishing this!
H rang yesterday to enquire about D's karate exam, said he was thinking of coming, that is, he has been at OW 1's place a week now. Guess they must be good friends!
D got her yellow belt, and was thrilled. She's jumped from ballet to karate!
I sent H a notfication about my stuff on the website, but haven't heard from him yet.
But I will carry on as usual, as you say, getting worked up won't get me anywhere. Concentrating on my life will. I need 2005 to be a turning point in my professional life and on the financial side. Then I can breathe better and get my other ducks in a row.
I know H will bring up money at some point during his stay here. I have no script, but have decided that once H is down to paying the minimum any court would decide, then I have delinked money from H and he can't be on my back about anything any more. No more sword of Damocles hanging over my head. The sword of financial uncertainty I will face head on without emotional strings.
Basically, what H will be left paying for is his D9.
The response in the first twenty fours hours of my work being on the website is very favourable, I just need it to translate into contracts/money at some point!
I have another project to get 'out there' soon as well.
I don't know how much I will be able to post from tomorrow onwards, with H here.
So, everyone, have a really nice Christmas and all the best for a bright new start in 2005!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I emailed H to ask what time he would be turning up tomorrow, remember, HE was the one who asked to come stay Thursday instead of Friday, and he just replied back, that he'll be turning up on Friday morning, "if that's OK", as he has been invited by 'friends' for a boozey night out. He doesn't mention who these 'friends' are.
So I shot him an email back, which is quite true - "Great! That suits me so much better!"
My friend wants to drop round to drop off presents, the one who doesn't want to meet H these days. And I am running short of time to shop and get organised for the holidays.
I wonder when he would have brought this up if I hadn't emailed him?
H also said congrats about my work, though it came off sounding a little mealy mouthed, and then he questioned my choice of website...
When he called yesterday about the karate, he started to say something, and then said, no, nothing. I KNEW then he would try backing out of the number of days HE INVITED himself here for, as he no doubt has a better offer from you know who.
You know, I am gettting more than a little tired of the S**t. I am seriously wondering, was wondering even before this email, whether H is really just going to be more of the same, for ever and ever. SOOOOOO self centred.
They say this PA stuff never really gets addressed by the PA man, so how will he ever change? If I change how I react, I may just find he is too much work and any other woman is bl**dy welcome to him!
I feel myself more and more inclined to just move on these days, and to he// with H.
Livnlearn
Sure, I will be all nice and pleasant over Christmas, but I am not bending over backwards for this guy any more.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Had a good day today. Was energetic and did a load of chores this morning, then my friend came over for a couple of hours to drop off presents and to have a chat and some tea, then another friend dropped by.
D was playing around with my new mobile phone and called her Dad. Asked him where he was, why didn't he come over this evening etc. After the call, she told me, Dad is already in town! I didn't tell her that he has been in town a full week.... last he saw her was Friday. He did want to come to the karate thing and then backed out, but otherwise no effort at all. Spoke to her once on the phone.
I don't suppose he has gone to any troube to clean his house, do a load of shopping, plan meals, cook etc., so he had better not start on me about how I do nothing. I just finished, rather late, making four Christmas puddings, which need to be steamed for six hours!
I am getting very interesting feedback from my work on the website - both kudos and enquiries from all over the place too. Connections. I feel something good will come of this exposure, eventually. It has only been two days, and that too near Christmas.
I look forward to many days of not having to wake up and get out of bed at 6 am, finally!
I am going to take Betsey's advice to someone else to heart, and put on my poker face throughout the next few days, in that I will NOT let my emotions rule my actions. I intend to have a festive time, and have lots of fun with D and H.
Happy Christmas everyone!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
But I am going to try and think of H and money in separate boxes as much as I can.
going. 
