By the way, I forgot to say, H confirmed he was staying with OW 1. D asked where he was staying when it emerged he hadn't just arrived from his place and he had to tell her, in a very casual way...

It is weird, he is staying in town a number of days, he mentioned meeting up with another friend, but he only sees D once, so I don't buy all that 'missing her so much' stuff. He uses it is to push my buttons when it's really about other issues.

You know, the way we relate to our children when we LIVE with them is utterly different to how we relate to them at intervals during VISITATION.

The latter can be so false and stressed. The absent parent is looking for qualtiy time but the kid just sees it as more of his life. There is the tendency to think up loads of entertainments to make the time together special, while what D seems to like best is for the me to just be there while she's watching her cartoons, maybe come and watch one with her once in a while, help her with some art or craft project when she needs it etc.

I would hate to have to be reduced to just 'visitation'. It would break my heart. I know H loves D very much. I accept he doesn't show it in all the same ways that I do.

D is still nursing her injury and we hope she'll be fit enough to do her karate exam on Tuesday. After that I plan to take her ice skating in town where they have put up a temporary ice rink in one of the squares.

One of my ex cooking students is buying her sister a series of English lessons with me as a Chrsitmas present. I thought that was cute and I have a little more money for presents etc.

One thing I am slowly coming to realise and *feel* more, is that, as Ellie suggested, I should proceed in the financial department as though H isn't there. I will NOT personalise any lack of money and make it HIS fault. Even though I would not have found myself in a large flat, with a child to raise, in a foreign country, if there hadn't been an H in the first place. But I am going to try and think of H and money in separate boxes as much as I can.

My project work is going online next week, and I wish I wasn't annonymous on this BB so I could tell you all where to go and have a look!

Both H and I are struggling with self esteem and personal fulfillment issues. He feels he has to toil at boring 'piece work' and can't get the satisfaction that comes from being more creative and being successful in a field he cares about. I feel the same, I live far away from the place I am doing my project work in, and I am 100% committed to being a good mother, so due to time constraints and logistics I can't do as much as I'd like on the personal work front, in addition to which now I have to work much more for my bread and butter.

Yet the fact is we would both be better off in our M than separate! Both in terms of pooling resources, and from the childcare angle as we could go away more.

One last thing, yesterday, H opened a bottle (one of mine) of quite nice wine to use in his cooking, then poured himself a glass, but didn't offer me any. He sat there throughout lunch without noticing this. In fact I poured myself some water, but he sure ain't Mr Good Manners.

I have long struggled to come up with what my LL is. Frankly, I would have liked more of EVERYTHING in my M. More tender touch, more listening when I was down, more respect in terms of basic manners (H can be short and rude with everyone, not just me), more willingness to do something with me that he didn't fancy particularly, just for me (less selfishness) etc etc. A feeling that H was putting himself out just sometimes in order to please me, rather than just himself.

Enough musings for one morning, I've got work to do!

Livnlearn

"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates