... even though he's staying with OW1 (yuck!) he seems pretty interested to have lunch with you and interested in maybe coming for dinner - doesn't seem like that would really be the case if he was all involved with OW romantically again.
And I commented -
On that note I shall go to bed and try to banish all dark thoughts.
It feels pretty YUCK to be 'in competition' with my own ex-'friend' for the attentions of MY own H. This is NOT easy.
Does H even consider what an atrocious friend OW 1 has been to me?? Yet he accuses ME of thinking only of myself???
Then later on again -
Just woke up in the middle of the night, and I am in floods of tears.
I think I don't respect my husband one little bit. The fact that he has gone back to being 'friends' with that ugly, lying, betraying, hateful piece of work is the final straw for me. Is she still more important to him than I am? Why is he tormenting me? Why does he even want to see me when he sees that disgusting piece of work? Just the thought of her repels me to the core. She is like a toxic contamination in my life. My photo albums have her pictures in them still, my recipe books have things written in that she made, I feel like moving away from this place as I can't bear the thought of her and my H together, even as 'friends' any more. If I do ever make the decision to move away, it will be because my H can't be bothered to see what he has done to our M and our R, and still blames me for all of this.
I don't understand how if it was really only about money (it isn't!) we are not still together right now, pooling our resources and not going through this hell. This IS about H and his "falling in love with the B" I am sorry to say. Does he not respect himself enough to avoid her like the plague? I think it might be my turn to start avoiding HIM like the plague.
And he has the nerve to pull me down continually with his rants and visits, when I am strugggling to just get on with my life.
Followed by -
Well,
It is now time for my alarm clock to ring! I feel better, I have decided to dedicate this day to D. She has a school holiday, we are going to put up the tree together, I have friends coming around this evening for dinner, and in between I will get on with chores. I will make sure D has great Christmas, no matter what. I will not get H and my feelings get in the way of that, I will demand an answer of some kind from my H by this weekend about broad plans for Christmas, at the very least. I will make it plain that I do have plans and choices of my own (which I do!!)
And Slowly responded -
Hi LnL - Great recovery - I'm glad you have positive plans
I know just how bleak things can look in the depth of a night, and what it feels like to question one's own judgement, whether the person we are fighting for is even worth it But, getting back to dbing basics is more for our own recovery, so GO YOU!!!
So what happened yesterday? Let me see...
I got my act together by the time that H turned up for lunch. I was composed and seemed relaxed (I think!)
Lunch went OK, D had a friend over and was obviously more concerned to play with her than play with her Dad although they managed a tickle fight. Then after lunch H and I talked about movies in the light of some recent ones that he had watched.
It was all in good humour, with a bit of argument over certain aspects, but at one point he was talking about a person of my counrty of origin who had written a film review that he termed very 'strident'. It is a word he uses when someome, women especially, writes things that he he disagresss with! He called her moralistic. I said, my POV is that I see a lot of amoral behaviour all around me in the Western world, and back home, while there is plenty of that too, there is still also a strong, old fashioned sense of doing the right thing. I said I found the moral relativism all around me here rather disturbing. Things that people chose to do 'just happened' apparently. I could see H getting a little alarmed at my seriousness. So I let it drop. Maybe he took my comments personally. Good! But I wasn't getting at him secifically, I do find it to be the case that the very concept of morality seems to be almost old fashoined and defunct.
We then decided to watch a film together, on DVD. It was quite nice. In it there was a man who had left his family, and he had the same name as my H. As all of us know here, just watching films about separation, betrayal, infidelity and divorce is very painful. I was not able to stop the flow of tears. H also tears up over films. He leaned cross and asked if I wanted a tissue in a jokey kind of way. I said, I have one. But I wasn't crying over the film, I was crying over US.
Anyway, I managed to compose myself quite quickly after that brief little lapse.
At one point, H's cellphone rang and he looked to see who it was with the display turned away from me, went outside to take the call and returned quite quickly. I don't think OW 1 in 'friend' mode would have needed to call my H just then somehow. I also received some calls during his visit, but it's funny how I didn't need to hide them. Oh Ellie, yes, I should have looked furtive and taken them outside????? I guess I am not naturally built that way!
Anyhow, I kept my cool and was cheerful. H didn't mention anything about coming to dinner in the evening, and I didn't mention it. Shortly before leaving, he said, as I haven't really done much with D this time, maybe we can do lunch tomorrow? I said, let's see... (he had spent four hours here).
Then I said, I don't want to come across as a nag, but I think it's really important that you make the appointment to have that carcenoma removed (he had told me he hadn't got around to it yet, depsite asking me numerous times when the surgery was open last trip, and I know he spent the night at OW 1's place.) He said, yes, I should, in fact it has started bleeding. I said, in that case, please make it a priority. He said, OK, I'll do it tomorrow morning.
I also asked him to think about what he wanted to do over Christmas and to let me know soon so I could make my plans. He promised to think about it over the next couple of days and let me know.
Then he gave me a kiss, still on my cheek but rather nearer my mouth than usual...if you know what I mean.
I said bye in a cheerful but not needy way, and turned to get on with some kitchen chores.
In the evening I had five folks around to eat, three guys who were H's friends here before I even entered the scene in this country, along with their girlfriends.
We had a very pleasant, nice meal, and as usual I was asked how come I didn't consider opening a restaurant. And as usual I replied, find me an investor and someone to look after the business side, and I would be happy to think about the food and decor side, though I have no qualifications in catering professionally.
The convo got around to my being asked what I had been up to lately on the personal work front and when I told them about my projects, they were enthusiastic to have a look at what I had done. When I showed them they were very complimentary and encouraging. Many of them are involved in the field so they appreciated what they were looking at.
So, all in all a very self-esteem boosting evening indeed. And very enjoyable too.
This morning, before D left for school, H rang to say he had decided to take the bus back home this morning so as to reach in daylight, the later bus deposited him in the dark, leaving with him a long walk.
Then he asked who was there last evening. I told him, the whole gang. He sounded surprised. He told me he hadn't seen one of them for quite a while. We had a short chat and then ended. I was quite glad he had called off lunch, leaving me more time to get on with things, so I was able to respond without sounding less than OK about things. (Note, the acoustics at OW 1's place are very particular and I can tell from the sound over the phone when H is at her place!! )
Well, that's a report of yesterday.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
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