Respecting my H so that he gives Love in Return

[trustinginHim]

Hi SC,

Good to hear from you!

I have no idea either what will or won't work, but I guess we will find out.

As for H telling me yet again that BMOW HATES ME with a PASSION, I think that if she really does, (and he is not projecting some of his own repressed or whatever feelings), I am starting to think that she probably developed the so-called feelings of hatred toward me when she read my emails to my H during their affair after I found out. They were not pretty nor nice and most certainly were not meant for her to read, but H gave her the passwords to his email accounts and she got to read some of my very personal heartfelt feelings about her, him and the whole situation. Apparently my words did not sit well with her. After thinking about this for some time now, that is the best explanation that I can come up with. I could post some of what I wrote back then here, but it was pretty raw and would require a heck of a lot of censoring. My emotions were running pretty ragged at the time.

You know, thinking about it now, that was pretty abusive on my H's part to allow her to read that stuff, and especially with her so emotionally unstable. Oh well, water under the bridge I guess. I suppose we will soon learn how she is going to react to all this anyway, and yes, her potential for reacting dangerously is actually quite high.

Thanks for the nice compliments!

LG

[trustinginHim]

Well, the weekend has come and gone and H did NOT get the letter written to BMOW. We talked about it some on Saturday, but he did not follow through by Sunday evening. Unfortunately, that is typical behavior for my H. I am not concerned yet, but will become so if several weeks go by and he makes no further effort toward total extrication from the business. I will keep gently reminding him of our goals. I have a suspicion that he is mulling over in his mind what he is going to say in the letter, and it will have to be worded very carefully to keep BMOW from erupting. Plus, his next lithotripsy procedure is tentatively scheduled for this Thursday and he has that on his mind also.

I went to the gym and worked out for an hour this morning. My goal is to do so one hour every day for five days a week. The best part is that the gym is at my church, it is totally free, and my H has expressed interest in joining me for my workouts there once his doctors release him to do so. I freely admit I have several ulterior motives going here.

In other news, while driving home from my workout, I got my first speeding ticket EVER. Sigh. After I arrived home, I grieved for the loss of my once perfectly clean driving record. When the officer handed me the citation, he paused and said, "You know,...(long pause...,...more pause,...,...searching for appropriate words that won't insult...,still more pause,...)...you are A LOT older than you actually look!"

Well, nothing like being pulled over to get a $120 compliment of sorts. Sigh, again. He could have told me the same thing and gave me just a warning. Oh well.

LG--wondering just how young she really looks

[trustinginHim]

Well, somebody did not like the flashy button link to the business webpage being changed, so they changed it back to what it was previously. I asked my H about it over IM:

lost_girl: Hey, honey, that flashy button link to the business is up again on your homepage. Did something occur that I am not aware of that necessitated it being put back in place?

h: Hi - no, not that I am aware of either. I will check with the webmaster after lunch.

After lunch...

lost_girl: Did you ask about the link button?

h: I did - it appears that someone else put that info up there. So we are taking it off and changing the password so that it doesn't happen again. It may have been the internet provider who changed it back or it may have been BMOW's boyfriend, but either way I do not want them messing with the site.

lost_girl: So your webmaster didn't do it?

h: nope

h: However, the webmaster had recently done some work on it and if she did it from an old file, she might have inadvertently put the flashy business link button back. But she doesn't remember. Anyway, it would not be the first time we have taken one step forward and another back.

lost_girl: Whew. I would hate to think it was actually hacked by the fiance.

h: He wouldn't have had to hack it since I gave BMOW the passwords back when I was working on it with her also.

lost_girl: Ah. Well, time to change them then.

h: indeed it is. I should have done it some time ago. I was way too trusting of her.

lost_girl: well, you can fix that now.

h: yes I can.

Time passes...

h: ok, the flashing business icon links are gone off the webpage now

lost_girl: Thanks, honey! I really appreciate that. Passwords changed too?

h: let me check

h: she is in the middle of something right now, but will get them changed shortly.

lost_girl: sounds good.

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Have I mentioned I am so ready for all this to be over?

LG

[trustinginHim]

Today I thought I might try one of the "respect" tests my "Love and Respect" book suggested and see how my H responded.

The book suggests one way that I can convey respect to my H is by showing appreciation for his job and how well he provides. So I decided to tell my H how much I appreciated how he was able to provide enough for me to stay at home now and not have to work because I was enjoying it very much. Keep in mind that all this follows DB principles and is also a 180 for me. We had been sitting quietly and enjoying each other's company, he on his laptop and me working a crossword puzzle, when I just told him this out of the blue.

Oh, people. The book warned me about what might happen if I did this. I am glad I was prepared! My H started talking to me and spilling his guts about all kinds of things. It was incredible! He started by saying that we both deserved good things after all the trauma that we had just emerged from in the past year or so, then he said he was sincerely sorry for everything he had done! I took that and ran with it and thanked him profusely for saying he was sorry because I don't get to hear it often enough and it was very important to me to hear to help reconnect with him emotionally. Well, this is when he started talking.

Here are the highlights of what he shared with me and these are in no particular order:

>I asked him yet again to clarify for me how he met BMOW, and finally, yes, he admitted to meeting her on an internet website through a personals ad she had placed. He contacted her. He was not ready though to identify which website yet because he said (in Clintonesque fashion?) he couldn't recall. He did narrow it down for me to AFF, hotmail personals or yahoo personals. I then asked who introduced who to the AFF website, because both were members. He claimed she introduced him to it. I have a feeling there is much more to this in particular, but it appeared that it was still very painful for him to discuss, so I didn't push. For now. Perhaps after other respect tests in the future.

>When asked why, he apologized profusely, repeatedly and sincerely for leaving all her evidence like love notes, cards, receipts and credit card statements lying about the house for me to find when I moved back home because he couldn't deal with the stuff himself. I told him it was extremely difficult for me to deal with in my own way too, but I turned the experience into a positive one when I got to shred and destroy everything I found and let go of A LOT of anger. He laughed at the mental image I provided for him of me demoniacally (sp?) laughing and shredding all that stuff.

>BMOW's H NEVER knew about BMOW's galavanting about during their marriage and still doesn't, but her father, Daddy Warbucks/Deep Pockets DID and approved of her A with my H. I looked at my H in the eye when he said that and told him, "That is just sick." H nodded and agreed. And that's one of the times when my H realized that he didn't particularly care for BMOW's family in the slightest. Go figure on that one.

>I asked about the credit card I found in BMOW's name for one of my H's now defunct accounts. He admitted that she arranged all that herself, but when the card came to the house in the mail, he just threw it in a drawer and told her it had been declined. She never asked about that one in particular again, but she still has two others that are in his name that we will be recovering upon the demise of the business.

Today was a good day for me.

LG--feeling very blessed

[trustinginHim]

Well, it seems that time has slowed down for me as my emotional healing continues. Life for us has been mostly quiet even with H's continued medical issues. He did our taxes on Valentine's Day and our refund combined with our secondary insurance coverage will pay our total out-of-pocket costs for the year. I thought that was quite a blessing!

H seems to have taken a spot sitting on the fence about ending the business. I think, however, he is waiting for the business to self-destruct and it appears that it is well on it's way to doing that. I guess that I can sit on the fence with him and wait patiently, all the while avoiding conflict of any sort with BMOW and her fiance. The business is going to end one way or another in due time.

A letter arrived at the house today. It seems that yet another tax report for the business that was due last December 10th was also neglected and not filed with the appropriate authorities in a timely manner. I set it aside with the previous letter that came last month regarding a different report that wasn't filed. I'm just counting the days until April 15th or sooner that the business is simply and quietly dissolved. I am almost getting the impression that this is what BMOW wants to happen too.

I got another email from a business customer today also. I forwarded it to the business' customer service department (run by the fiance) to handle and haven't received any feedback yet about it. I wonder if I will receive another glowing letter from him.

Other than today, like I said, it has been very quiet. I really enjoy the quiet these days while the drama of the past year or so fades farther and farther into the dark recesses of my mind and is forgotten.

LG--really looking forward to spring

[trustinginHim]

Got yet ANOTHER letter regarding the business here at the house yesterday. I opened it in front of my H and he asked me what it was. I told him it was a request for money owed by the business for corporation fees that were past due. He stated very emphatically that he was not going to pay it and that I could just set it aside because he wasn't going to forward it to BMOW either. He hoped it would speed up the demise of the business by handling it this way.

You know, after that exchange, I think a light bulb turned on for me finally. My H just does not appear to really want to be accountable for a whole lot of things that he did. I am beginning to believe that is the REAL reason we have not had many good talks yet about what he did that really are necessary for healing, and I think it is why he is avoiding BMOW and dealing with this business. He simply doesn't want to be accountable to her OR me for everything that happened. Thank you Lord for the revelation. I now wonder if he never accepts accountability for what he has done, what kind of marriage are we going to have in the long run?

I also just had another thought that H's lack of accountability may be what is keeping him from a relationship with the Lord too.

I have lots more to think about and consider now. Time for much prayer on my part. I can assure you that the next time I make an attempt to talk with H and he tells me it is still too painful, or he just wants to forget it and not address anything as he does quite often, I will gently bring up the issue of accountability and see how it goes from there.

LG--sizing up the wall of unaccountability H has built between us and what it is going to take to tear it down

[trustinginHim]

Well, I'm just having fun now.

I decided to check back with the customers that had sent me a business email by mistake within the last couple of months. Only one bothered to respond to me (which speaks volumes) and she told me that she never heard back from BMOW or the fiance.

So, I forwarded this one response I got to the business customer service department that BMOW's fiance supposedly now heads and am waiting for a response. I cc'ed it to the fiance's personal email address too, just in case they actually have abandoned the business, or are off busy getting married. You just never know!

I asked my H again about shutting the business website down and he is still doing the unaccountability dance with me. He tried to redirect me and asked me to search the internet for the name and address of the entity he needed to contact to shut the business down, thinking it would occupy my time for awhile. Nope. Already had ALL the info he needed at hand!!! Now he has no excuses, although I think he may try to come up with some. I am ready to deal though!

I have to be gentle with my H right now, too. His mother may have a diagnosis of liver cancer. We get the biopsy results tomorrow. If you would like to join my prayer chain for her, please feel free to do so and say a little prayer to the Lord on her behalf. I would greatly appreciate it. She is a really neat lady. I am going to really miss her if it's her time to go, but I know we will meet again. I am very thankful that my H is taking his ADs. I am wondering though if the Lord is using my H's mother and her illness to reach him, because a man that my H has worked with for 20 years came up to him yesterday and told my H that he is praying for H and his mother. My H was floored because he had absolutely no idea that this man was a believer. OK, I agree it doesn't say much for the man's witness, however, I was amazed at the affect this new knowledge had on my H.

Blessings,
LG