Respecting my H so that he gives Love in Return

[trustinginHim]

Hi plk,

I really don't know what to tell you. There is still SO much to H's and BMOW's affair relationship that I don't know or understand. The fear (dread?) he has of her capacity to seek revenge when she feels slighted practically immobilizes him. I suppose what could also immobilize him is his guilt regarding the whole matter and not wanting to rehash it all with her again. But, your suggestion seems very plausible to me, in fact, it was the method he used to end their relationship.

BMOW had H's passwords to two of his email accounts when they were together so that she could simply deal directly with any business mail that he received. H also used these accounts for personal communication with me and his family and I had no idea she had access nor did I know that she was reading all his email. Looking back now, she read quite a few doozies from me to him about her/them. But on the flip side, she also read some doozies from him to me about our reconciliation. Little did I know that he was writing the reconciliation emails to me knowing full well that she was reading them, but this was how he gave her a heads up that they were over. And their resulting break-up was still incredibly painful and emotionally charged, and I understand quite a show for the entire neighborhood, even though both knew it was coming.

As for him following that same method to end their business relationship, well, I think he is trying to do that, but with the hope of avoiding a final outcome with similar guilt, pain and emotion. Minimizing the link, then ultimately removing it is the beginning of a series of subtle "heads up" for her. He has slowly extracted himself from the business over the past six months. And I kind of think she has too in her own way, believe it or not. I would imagine that the business has just as many bad memories for her as it does my H. It represents a period of failure in his life as well as it does for her.

My H told me yesterday during one of our good talks that BMOW is again not responding to any email from the business partners. Instead, the partners are being forced to deal with her fiance, the apparently self-appointed Sales & Marketing director. No one is quite sure what they are facing with him in the mix now. If he has any stock in the company, it would be only because BMOW gave him some of hers, and she only had 25% anyway. It's not like she or her fiance has any controlling interest in the company, but I view him as capable of winding BMOW up for a good fight, which is what everyone wants to avoid. The fiance in all this is the unknown. No one knows what he is capable of, so H and the business partners are discussing seeking legal counsel at this juncture.

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H made it through his first lithotripsy successfully yesterday. He has at least two more to go through. The next one is not for another two weeks though, so we have some breathing room.

When I got him home yesterday from the hospital, we had several really good talks between naps he took. He expressed to me that he was really feeling loved and cared for and it was really having a positive effect on him. I thought about this for awhile and I am starting to believe that his true unmasked love language that fills his tank is acts of service. In the past, I had thought it was physical touch due to his highly sexual nature, followed by quality time, but I think that because he self-medicated his untreated depression with sexual acts, it masked his true primary love language. Or perhaps the love languages can shift positions as one moves through life. Lots more to think about.

LG