Respecting my H so that he gives Love in Return

[trustinginHim]

My H survived the placement of his stent. He is at the urologist right now for a check of the stent and we get to do the lithotripsy tomorrow.

My H has been interesting to watch through all this. He has had a vast amount of time to contemplate his future as it relates to his health and his turning 50 later this year. I believe I am seeing the last of the MLC stages--acceptance--as it plays itself out. H has made many promises to me in the past few days about our future and marriage. I intend to keep my expectations at zero though, so that anything that he follows through on will be a pleasant surprise.

We had the hotmail chat. He initiated the convo and informed me that the "secret" account was, in his words, a "spam filter," an email address he uses when he must give one over the internet that he knows will simply generate loads of spam.

I, myself, have been doing a lot of reading and self-focus to pass the time during my H's medical crisis. In particular I have spent a lot of time with the book that the title of this thread came from--"Love and Respect," by Emerson Eggerichs. The following is a passage that caused me to do some soul-searching:

Granted, deferring to your husband isn't always easy, especially if you feel he doesn't deserve your respect. One woman wrote to tell me (Dr. Eggerichs) that she acted very disrespectfully in order to send a message to her H that she felt unloved. She thought that this would motivate him to love her and appreciate her, but all the while she was unsupportive of his endeavors, belittling his abilities, undermining his decisions, resistant to his counsel, unfriendly, and disinterested in physical intimacy. She said that she thought if she did all of the above her H would get the message that she was hurting, frustrated and angry and that he'd move toward her with understanding and love. But she wept as she realized she had so wounded him that he wouldn't even have sex with her. It took years for him to reopen emotionally to her.

Well, people, here is my public confession. The woman in this passage could have been me. The only difference is that I didn't behave knowingly in the way described to purposefully send a message. It was simply how I behaved in the past toward my H because I didn't know any better and it took becoming a Christian and trusting in Jesus to help me recognize and change my behavior. Oh, and of course, an understanding and the practicing of DBing principles. Fortunately, I am no longer as ignorant as I was--thank You, Lord.

LG--doing a lot of pondering these days