I have had similar experiences with this online public diary stuff. And I completely agree with you it is really ODD how anyone would want to do this -- but it is very common.
It is not my son who publishes his diary online -- but it is his best friend, “O” -- who is just like my surrogate son. “O” has been writing this diary for about 4 years online. “O” told my son and me about it one night at dinner about a year ago -- and I tracked it down online. My son and I both read the diary daily and “O” knows I read it.
“O” writes truly intimate and gut wrenching things about himself, his family, his friends, his life and his fears. It is sometimes very difficult to read such nakedness of emotion. He writes about VERY personal things. He has written about sex and orgasm. It is raw.
He suffers from depression and often discusses suicide in an intellectual way. His GF broke up with him almost 2 years ago -- and he is still in a lot of pain over that and it is heartbreaking to read. He speaks of his fear of always being alone. Of not succeeding -- comparing himself to his more accomplished friends. It is sometimes unbearable to read.
Sometimes when he knows he sounds “crazy” or really depressed -- he will actually write, “Hey, for all the people reading this diary, who know me in real life -- I am ok. I am NOT going to do anything.” Sometimes he writes things just to express them.
He has absolutely NO FILTERS. He writes anything and everything that comes in his head. It is after all HIS DIARY. Online or not -- he considers it his diary. And, diaries are personal…online or not…public or not…they belong to the author.
And that is what your stepdaughter is using her diary for too.
She is venting.
She is showing off sometimes.
She is trying out ideas and emotions.
She is using it as a safety valve.
There is a whole community of these public-diary-people. You can get quite a following going.
It gets them attention.
I think that most of the people who write these public online diaries are lonely and suffer from low self-esteem.
Everything she wrote sounded “normal” to me. It is just like many things I have read on these public diary sites.
Quote:
i had bad dreams last night and it's so f*cking cold over my bed.
f*ck. maybe texas will be warmer. but it doesn't matter, I hate texas anyway.
speaking of, i won't be accessing my little internetical realm for awhile, since i'll be in texas tomorrow and i don't have a private computer there, and i don't feel like having my dad's small-minded christian wife find this journal like she did my old one, and me having to start censoring my entries again, and my mom having even more reason to freak out since my dad would have a spy into my oh-so ex-rated life...anyway...
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. sail.
2. reach personal perfection.
3.f*ck a married man.
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She is just blowing off steam.
There is nothing there that is worrisome.
She sounds like a typical 16 year old girl. In fact, she sounds quite reserved in her venting!
And if she is testing to see if you’ve found her new online diary -- you should outsmart her and NOT let on.
If you want the window into her thinking don’t let her know you’ve discovered her new online diary. Show some personal restraint in this situation.
People write all sorts of things in diaries that they have no intention of doing or following through on. And they don’t even necessarily mean any of it. It is just a safe outlet for them to say whatever they want to in the safety and anonymity of cyberspace.
I think since she clearly does NOT want you to know about this new diary. Since she did NOT tell you about it -- then you need to respect that. You must exhibit personal boundaries.
This has nothing to do with you. She has the right to say nasty things about you, her father, her mother, her friends etc. That is what people do in the “privacy” of a diary. It doesn’t mean much. It is just venting. And for some of these public diary exhibitionists -- they say things just for effect and to sound cool.
And, IMHO if your stepdaughter really did tell her mother about this diary -- and if she is ok with her mom reading it -- I think that says that there is a level of trust and respect between them that is to be greatly admired.
I would never in a zillion years have shared anything personal with my mom. My son and I are very close and he tells me virtually everything -- this is b/c I don’t sit in constant judgment of him. He trusts me b/c I treat him with the same respect and kindness I would any “friend” of mine.
They say eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves. I guess it also applies to someone sneaking a peek at his or her stepdaughter’s private-public diary too LOL!!
I would be reading it daily just as you are -- b/c knowledge IS power.
So you have an extreme advantage here b/c she does NOT know -- at least not know for certain -- that you are again reading her diary. I would keep that advantage. It outweighs anything you think you might gain by telling her you discovered it.
I can assure you what she wrote is MILD in comparison to the online diaries that I have checked out. It is typical teenage angst BS.
Don’t take it personally. Divorce is DEVASTATING to children. She has suffered greatly b/c her father committed adultery and divorced her mom. The effects of divorce are forever and intergenerational. She has rightful anger towards your part in that pain. She is still working through it. She may never fully forgive you. You must accept that.
But if you ever read anything that frightens you -- then you will need to discuss this with your H and let HIM handle it from there.
You should continue to offer her kindness and love and hope that over time -- as she ages and matures and has more life experiences of her own that she will learn to forgive you.
But for now let her be. This really is not about you.
