With the re-application of ADs to our lives, H and I remain on a steady, even, quiet keel. We are spending more and more pleasant time together. H has even mentioned that he is feeling ready to start a sex life again with me as soon as we get a diagnosis and treatment for whatever it is that is ailing him. Thankfully, his appointment is this Friday morning. I am going with him and do not plan on letting him cancel again. I don't feel that he will back out this time though, because he chose the doctor and when he was ready to go to an appointment.
I continue to do a lot of thinking about things in my marriage and my life and what I want out of both. The ADs help me separate my thoughts from my emotions as I continue to process all that I have been through in the last 24 months, especially the last 18 months.
I found and purchased the book, "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and yes, it is all about unconditional love and unconditional respect. As I get more involved with the book and implementing it in my marriage, I will post my thoughts and progress here.
I have been preparing our house for the Christmas holidays when H's family will join us. His kids arrive on Dec. 19th and the rest of his family on Dec. 27th, all to stay for awhile. As I was cleaning a bedroom yesterday, I found an interesting bag of items that H apparently set down on a desk last year and promptly forgot about. The bag was full of magazines that my H purchased on his business trip to Cincinnati in October 2003. There were also some receipts for the trip and one other item that I was a little shocked to find. It was the letter I wrote to BMOW when I became aware of her and H's affair.
I had mailed the letter to her so that she would receive it the same day that my H returned from his Cincinnati trip. I knew he would stop and see her first before coming home. In fact, he called me from the airport after his plane had landed and told me he was doing just that. Little did he realize that he was calling me on my cell phone as I sat in my newly rented apartment.
I am assuming that what happened when H stopped in to visit with BMOW, she handed him the letter I had written her and he put it in his bag, quite stunned. She couldn't keep that letter at her house because her H might have found it. I just find it odd that she would hand it to my H and he would keep it. If I were BMOW, I would have shredded the letter and that would have been that. Anyway, I would like to think that the news I had for them cut their visit short. My H then returned home to find that I had indeed moved out, just as I told BMOW in the letter that I would be gone when H returned from his trip.
Since that letter has been residing in the spare bedroom since October 2003, I am curious who, if anyone, has read it. The most likely one to read it would be H's S21, since he usually stays in that room during his visits. The letter wasn't mean or ugly, just very matter-of-fact. My H had refused to let BMOW know that I was on to their affair after I discovered it, for fear of "hurting" her, you see. At least that is what he told me. I felt she needed to know that I knew, so I told her myself. I have no idea how she took it, or if she even cared, but I am so thankful that all that is over now.
I am pleased to continue to report that there has still been no communication of any kind between BMOW and my H for over a month now. Nor has any wayward business mail found it's way to our home address lately. I guess my point was finally made.
Well, H and I have a date tonight. We will be attending my church's Christmas pageant, so I need to plan an early dinner for us. Plus I still have plenty of pre-Christmas decluttering to keep me busy the rest of this week. The following week will be devoted to putting up the tree and decorations, wrapping gifts and last minute shopping. Lot's to do!
God Bless, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Wow, LG, you are handling this new discovery very well - especially after I'm sure you thought you had purged everything in your shredding frenzy. (That image still makes me smile).
((((((((((((((((lost_girl)))))))))))))))))))))
Your attitude about this is specifically helpful this morning, since although W has assured me she is trying to have no contact with OM (he still calls her), I found a key to OM's house in W's purse while looking for something else. I suppose it could have been a forgotten, left over, but I was pretty upset when I found it this morning. I forced myself to "act as if" and even gave her a kiss goodbye (which was returned by W!).
Are you going to dispose of the evidence? Also, didn't Step-D do a 180 in her attitude toward you during her last visit?
Thanks for the post and your questions. Sorry it has taken me awhile to respond--been a bit busy, which is good.
I have been on the rollercoaster for about 18+ months now. My very first thread was in the Infidelity forum in Dec. 2003. I then moved to the MLC forum for my next several threads. This is my second thread in the Piecing forum.
Here is a re-cap for you and any other interested parties:
Quote: >Jan 2003: Unknown to me, my H signs up on many internet personals websites, including several sex and swinging personals websites. He begans corresponding with several women, and I heavily suspect that this is how he met BMOW (business manager/other woman), but H still won't to this day share the details with me. He will only admit that she contacted him via email. I suppose she answered one of his sex personals ads.
>Jan. 2003-April 2003: H and BMOW meet in person, began an affair, and develop an internet business idea to get rich and leave their unhappy marriages. I still have no idea H is corresponding with several OW via the internet, has developed a business or that BMOW even exists.
>Early May 2003: H wants to spend even more time with BMOW, (he has secretly been traveling to see her thus far) so he finally admits to me that he has developed an internet business, has "hired" a business manager and the two of them are working closely together to get the business off the ground. I am so taken by surprise by all this supposed business development that I am very dubious, so H actually takes me to meet BMOW in late May. Her appearance/personality is so benign, in fact, some aspects of her personal hygiene disgust me, so I initially think nothing of their "working" relationship.
>June-July 2003: My H's behavior gets incredibly strange. I began to have suspicions that things are not right but I can't put my finger on anything.
>Late July 2003: H and BMOW take a "business" trip to Chicago and stay in the same room for financial reasons. I figure if her H trusts her to do this, I will trust my H also. BMOW and my H laugh all the way there and back at their stupid spouses and have a blast.
>August 2003: My H starts behaving incredibly strangely and drops a few mini-bombs on me. I start to think I am going crazy and he feeds those thoughts. I start psychotherapy at his insistance for a perceived personality disorder that my H has me convinced I suffer from. Because BMOW fears me due to this "personality disorder", I am barred from entering my own home anytime H and she are "working" on their business at my H's home office. According to H, I am not to interact with BMOW on any level for any reason. Fortunately, I also begin attending church for the first time in my life, searching for answers to my unhappiness and marital problems.
>Sept. 2003: Things begin to artificially improve between me and H. He is thrilled that I am involved in so many things now (weekly psychotherapy and numerous church activities) that take my focus off of him and BMOW, whose affair has now really taken off. Things continue in this vein for about 6 weeks.
>October 16, 2003: The Bomb. I quite innocently happen upon love emails exchanged between H and BMOW and discover their PA. The bottom falls out of my world. H comes home to find me having an anxiety/panic attack in front of the computer. He sees what I am reading. We talk most of the night, but arrive at nothing. H refuses to tell BMOW that I now know about their A and he continues to see her. I seek a Christian marriage/family counselor to help me with all this and who convinces me to end the unnecessary psychotherapy.
>Nov. 2003: I move out of the house because I wasn't strong enough emotionally to take H flaunting the PA. I figured that if they wanted each other, they could have each other. I write BMOW a letter to let her know that I know what has been going on between her and my H.
>Late Nov. 2003: H accuses me of vandalizing his lover's car and threatens me with a restraining order and divorce. (We find out later that she vandalized her own car so that my H would have JUST THIS REACTION! She was ready to run off with him and my H was dragging his feet.)
>Early Dec. 2003: With continued threats from my H and his refusal to attend marriage counseling, I don't know what else to do and so file for divorce, but put off actually having my H served until I can tell him I have filed. When I tell him I have filed, he cries and asks what he can do to put the D on hold because it is not a good time for him financially. He wants his business to have a chance to succeed. I ask him to come to joint counseling with me. He agrees, but he is hesitant. He isn't really interested in fixing the marriage.
>Dec. 21, 2003: I accept Christ as my Savior, was baptized, and my H actually comes to see this event!
>Late Dec. 2003: Found DB, DR books and this website. I start to change my mindset and began DBing. With Christ and God's Word to support me, I start working on my marriage.
>Jan. 2004: H and I attempt the joint counseling he agreed to attend with me. He refuses to call it "marriage" counseling. He only does it on the premise that he is helping me understand what is wrong with me because he believes I am totally to blame for the failure of our marriage. He quits after three visits because he claims that on a scale of 1-10 he is about an 8-9 of being happy, has said his piece to the counselor and has nothing more to offer for my counseling. I continue with the counseling on my own.
H and I start emailing each other and start having lunch together on Sundays. H continues to cake eat in the relationship with me, BMOW and numerous other women. (I only knew of BMOW at the time.) I read James Dobson's book "Love Must be Tough" and let my H go from the cage and do the LRT. Unbeknownst to me, he takes it as me telling him I never want to see him again, period. All communication between us ends for a time.
>Feb. 2004: H has a nervous breakdown, misses work for two+ weeks and a doctor puts him on ADs. I learn of this much later.
>Mid-March 2004: ADs start taking effect and my H starts emailing me love notes! I have the divorce dismissed.
>Late March 2004: H calls me and wants to see me. I go for a brief visit that I control and end on my time and leave him wanting more.
>April 5, 2004: H ends EA/PA with BMOW, but retains their business relationship. She does not take any of this well.
>April through June 2004: H and I get to know one another again.
>June 24, 2004: Our 9th wedding anniversary. I move back home and H puts his wedding ring back on. We opt to start a new life together rebuilding, so I change jobs at his request. In a poor decision, H stops taking his ADs because he feels better, and I have come home.
>July 5, 2004: I start the new job for more money and better benefits.
>July 30, 2004: I resign from the new job because the travel and long hours are keeping us apart and is not conducive to our relationship rebuilding. Also, I had some problems with the integrity of duties I was asked to perform. This same weekend, H and I attend a marriage retreat at my church, renew our vows, and recommit to the marriage.
>August 2004: I become a housewife for the first time in my life. I attempt cooking and caring for my H. He eats it up and loves it, but we seem to have reached a plateau in our relationship, i.e. the honeymoon is over. Essentially, H is depressed again and this in turn depresses me.
>Sept.-Oct. 2004: H and I struggle in our continued attempts to reconnect. We have no intimacy due to a possible STD he seems to have developed from his extraneous relationships and I began to dwell on many negative thoughts about all that has happened between us. I decide to take a stand with BMOW and begin deleting all personal emails she continues to send to my H so he cannot read them nor respond to them. I also forward all business mail to her that began appearing at our home address, which I am sure was an attempt to get him to re-engage with her.
>Nov. 2004: I convince H to restart his ADs, I restart mine, and things start improving again. BMOW stops corresponding with my H, but does complain to another business partner that she feels that H and I are harrassing her by forwarding business mail and inventory to her.
>Dec. 2004: I celebrate one month of absolutely no contact between H and BMOW! This is the first time this has happened since he ended their EA/PA last April. We are beginning to deal with the lack of intimacy between us. H finally sees a doctor for his possible STD.
I hope that has answered any questions that you had and you won't have to go dig up my old threads unless you want to.
I am guessing that my H's A lasted a little over a year. He was actually seeing several women, but BMOW was his main squeeze. Yes, he went back and forth with her, with me, and with several other women.
LG--still riding the rollercoaster, but the dips are not as low as they once were
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Quote: Wow, LG, you are handling this new discovery very well - especially after I'm sure you thought you had purged everything in your shredding frenzy. (That image still makes me smile).
I am glad that you think I am handling the discovery well of the letter I wrote BMOW over a year ago. I mostly just thought it odd that I would find the letter that I wrote to BMOW back in my house.
It really isn't something that upset me upon discovery. If it weren't bad DB practices, I might ask H what it was doing back in the house, but he isn't ready to discuss any of that in detail yet, if ever. He claims that if I want him to pour out all the details of his sordid affairs, he will grudgingly do it only in counseling, but it will hurt him terribly to do so and he sees no purpose it will ever serve me knowing all that he is guilty of doing. At this time, I have no rebuttal to that. Maybe I really SHOULDN'T know all that he is guilty of!
I have tucked the letter away for now. I actually made a photocopy of it before I sent it, in case I was ever accused of something I did not write to her. The photocopy is in a safe place also.
Yes, my step-D16 supposedly did a 180 change in her attitude toward me during her visit this past summer, however, I seriously doubt she ever felt the way toward me that her father claimed she felt toward me. All I really know is what her father told me she felt and that step-D16 and I had a good, long talk that she initiated, regardless of her feelings. Yes, perhaps my step-D found and read that letter and that influenced her "change" in attitude toward me. I don't know and see no reason to ask her, really.
BTW, if I currently found a key to anything of BMOW's in my H's possessions, I would simply throw it away. I wouldn't even ask about it if I was sure that is what it was. THEN I would act as if. Would it benefit you to do this in your case, plk? I am glad that my attitude helped you deal with your discovery.
Blessings, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
I can feel my H slowly growing more emotionally re-attached to me the longer he remains on his ADs. Last week he took Tuesday afternoon and all day Thursday and Friday off from work to spend positive, enjoyable time with me.
Also, Friday morning was his doctor's appointment. THAT was interesting. The doctor doesn't know what my H is afflicted with, so he did a biopsy of one of the lesions. My H did not appreciate in the slightest having a divot (sp?) removed from his !
The doctor did share with us his first impressions of the affliction upon examination. He believes that a). it is NOT a communicable STD, and b). it is NOT cancer. He thinks that my H could be suffering from either a form of psoriasis on his OR a condition known as "lichen planus". In either case, the doctor prescribed a steroid cream for my H to use until the biopsy results come back sometime between now and next Monday. Then we return to see the doctor. In the meantime, the cream seems to be having a positive effect on the condition.
I guess I am still reeling at the irony of the situation. The skin is the largest organ of the human body and yet, whatever it is that my H is suffering from, the condition presents itself on his .
LG--still shaking her head in amazement
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
You know, Ellie, that is probably the best way to describe it!
I believe the Lord has exerted His influence in all this (I am reminded of Job) and sadly, I am secretly enjoying a bit of smirking satisfaction at my poor H's expense. Thank You Lord, I think.
LG--
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
My W has had some non-STD infections in her region as well. She has been the one that brings up God punishing her, and I've had to be very careful to be consistently supportive and reassuring - it would be too easy, and SOOOO wrong to say, "got what you deserved, didn't you?"
!
