Back to Square 2

[MJontheMend]

Your question "why can't I have a normal husband?" prompted this. I've really been thinking about this thread recently. What really makes these people different from us? (Actually there is one guy on there who had an SSM.) "Normal" couples have issues, conflicts, power struggles. And from these posts, it's clear that they have dry spells, too. Is the difference that they KNOW the dry spell will not be permanent? Is the difference that their power struggles and hurts are not worked out in the bedroom? That they don't take the lack of sex personally?> That their drive levels are more compatible that in our R's?

Obviously, I have been thinking along these lines myself as reflected by my "normal" husband self-chat. I don't know the answer. I guess I believe that the disparity in our drives is a fact that transcends our relationship. I can't imagine myself becoming the LD spouse in a relationship except in a marginal sort of way and I can't imagine my H being the HD spouse in a relationship except in the same sort of marginal way. The fact of the matter is I want sex at least every 3 days and my H only seems to physically crave it about every 2 to 3 weeks in order to be aroused much more frequently than that he needs high level stimuli such as porn or manual stimulation OR he needs the psychological stimulation of being in an emotionally exciting relationship or novel sexual situation.

This basic physiological/temperamental disparity led to a lot of other problems in our relationship that would have been unnecessary if we had been more differentiated and mature. There is no reason that I should have suffered low self-esteem or felt emotionally rejected by my H's LD, if I could have accepted it for what it was.

Perhaps my H and I are equally "abnormal" in our drives. Maybe he is in the bottom 10% of men in terms of drive and maybe I'm in the top 10% of women. Theoretically, this leaves us in a better situation than a couple in which the woman is in the bottom 10% of women in drive and the man is in the top 10% of men, because my drive is maybe only 6x more than his on average rather than 30x more. The thing that is frustrating is that it would be pretty easy for either of us to find partners with whom we would be compatible in terms of drive since our respective drives are more in alignment with those of the opposite sex on average. Therefore, when I pine for a "normal" husband, I am really just pining for a husband with an average male sex drive since this would be more in line with my high female drive. Why does the fact that I am 5'10" have to be magnified by the fact that my H is 5'3" when I could easily find a sexual partner who was 6' tall and the average guy is 5'9"? It's not fair! Waaaah! Why does my H have to suffer from bruised male ego just because I'm 5'10" when he's really only an inch shorter than the average woman and could be looked up to by a 4'9" wife? Waaah for him too!