IHJ said: ----------- Well tonite will be an interesting nite. Initially, the schedule seemed to appeal to my H and I think he became falsely HD. He saw the whole thing as a competition and now that he has accomplished the task, he has lost interest. This is probably entirely too cynical but this is my state of mind right now. I am also feeling LD, probably as a result of fusion with his mood. I really don't want to deal with tonite's encounter, but I know I will have to address it in some fashion. -----------
This is great actually.
Tonight you both get to learn a bit of real stuff about intimacy.
I want to encourage you to follow through with your session. You have a chance to learn a lot.
Please let us know how it goes!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: I have been HD as far as I can remember and in EVERY relationship I've ever had, not just this one. When H was still very interested in sex, there was no corresponding dropoff in my libido. It remained strong as ever and we just rocked the house more frequently, lol.
Of course. If you did not, I'd say something else was going on. Do you think that it might be possible that you could be a too efficient, take charge kind of gal? Meaning, your H knows that you are so efficient, so competent, he doesn't really feel needed by you. There is nothing he can do that you can't... except determine when you'll have sex. That is the ONE thing you need him for because he knows you won't go take care of yourself. Yet... you try to control the sex thing, too.
Sex is not about control (well.. most instances it isn't, but it can be fun sometimes) The two of you have got the psychological tug-o-war going on over who is going to control the sex in the HP Household.
This is one battle you will NOT win, and it isn't because you aren't beautiful or desirable. It is because he needs to feel needed by you, and it is my guess that this is the only outlet he has with you. So if he doesn't rise to the occasion every time you say you want it, then he still has your NEED of him.
HD/LD is not about winning/losing... though we turn it into that when we are smack dab in the middle of an SSM.
You are not starved for sex, dear. You are starved for control and WINNING, and for whatever reason, you LOVE beating men at their own game. You will match sexual steps with any man or die trying.
By turning this into a control issue, especially with the type of guy your H is, you are effectively contributing to the demise of his sex drive.
You need to change strategies, girl, or you are always going to feel frustrated. Full frontal assault isn't getting you what you want. Now if you can change your strategy so that you and your H BOTH get what you want, how is that losing?
Quote: Now, in my marriage, I am NOT in control of many many things, not just the sex, and that is the God's honest truth.
YOU may see it that way, but your H certainly doesn't. And I'm willing to bet you have control over darn near everything -- even more than you realize. Your H loves you and would climb a mountain for you, and that scares the hell out of him.... he's scared of losing himself to you, lock, stock and barrel.... because if anything ever happened to you or your kids, it would destroy him.
That is lots and lots of control, whether you want it or not.
A lot has happened since my last post (I can only post intermittantly because our new computer set-up gives me less privacy).
After telling me that he wanted a 1 to 2 week hiatus from my sexual demands due to job stress on Wednesday, my H started behaving like he might be interested in ending the hiatus on Thursday night. When I started to prepare to go to bed early, he said "Aren't you going to stay up and be sociable?" and fixed me a drink. Since I was feeling kind of fed up with sexual suspense, I asked him straight-out if he was thinking about ending the "hiatus". He said "I didn't really mean for you to take me literally when I said 1 to two weeks.". I said "So do you want to have sex tonight?". He replied "Why don't we plan on having sex later in about an hour."
I made the mistake of assuming that he just meant something arbitrary when he said an hour. I thought he just meant once the kids were up in bed. So, I found myself watching TV on the sofa with my H a half-hour later wondering why we weren't having sex since there weren't any kids around. I decided to be bold and started fondling myself visibly. My H looked over at me and said "What are you doing?" in a very unsexy way. He proceeded to give me a small lecture on how it was unfair/disrespectful of me to interrupt his activity (watching Ted Koppel) and expect him to quickly switch into sex mode just because I was fondling myself. I found his reaction quite depressing and had the thought "Why am I so unlucky? Why can't I have a "normal" husband?".
Somehow we recovered our maturity and apologized to each other and proceeded to the bedroom a while later. We goofed around for a while, but my H was obviously not aroused. We then calmly talked for a while about our unfortunate LD/HD sich. I once again suggested that since we've been getting along wonderfully otherwise that perhaps we would both be happier if I took a lover. My H indicated that he didn't like this idea but it didn't upset him. The tone of the convo was actually pretty light and I got some new insight into his LDH POV.
In a recent post, HD wrote about an ad that bugged him. The ad suggested that a husband should buy his wife jewelery for Christmas because then he would get laid. From what my H said, I got the impression that part of the reason that he is LD is that he metaphorically doesn't want to have to go to the trouble of buying the jewelery. If he allows himself to desire sex then he has to accept that it is something valuable and therefore something he should work to get and maintain. In other words, sex and ambition are linked in his mind and since he is drawn to, in his own words, "the romantic image of himself as a bum", his desire to forswear worldly ambition means that he also must forswear sexual ambition. It doesn't matter that he doesn't really have to "buy the jewelery" in order to have sex with me. Either you have a philosophy in which sex is important or valuable or you don't. The fact that I'm giving it out for free with valuable coupons attached makes no difference.
Faced with the visible sign of his lack of ambition and my own horniness, I took matters "in hand" and we ended up having a quite hot encounter and he was even ready to go again 5 minutes later. Thus, once he actually is physically aroused, his "romantic" sexual slacker image is replaced by a very real sexual ambition. After this encounter, he agreed that a schedule might help in our sich and agreed to come up with one.
Saturday afternoon, we were alone in the house with no kids and I still hadn't seen sign of a sex schedule. I asked him what was up. He indicated interest in sex but suggested that I might want to take a shower first since I had been to the gym that morning. This comment did not make me very horny, the opposite in fact. Once again, I had the thought "Why can't I have a "normal" husband?". My anger only grew as I proceeded to shower and when he acted semi-mystified about my bad mood, I'm afraid the phrase "Felix Unger dickhead" was used.
We once again apologized and made-up. We proceeded to hash out a sex schedule together which if it is actually followed will meet my needs quite nicely. He actually acted somewhat enthusiastic about it so I became guardedly optimistic once more. We had sex yesterday evening since it was on the schedule, therefore, I can happily report, so far, so good.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Your question "why can't I have a normal husband?" prompted this. I've really been thinking about this thread recently. What really makes these people different from us? (Actually there is one guy on there who had an SSM.) "Normal" couples have issues, conflicts, power struggles. And from these posts, it's clear that they have dry spells, too. Is the difference that they KNOW the dry spell will not be permanent? Is the difference that their power struggles and hurts are not worked out in the bedroom? That they don't take the lack of sex personally?> That their drive levels are more compatible that in our R's?
Quote: I'm afraid the phrase "Felix Unger dickhead" was used.
Thanks for the morning chuckle, JJ, although it was at your H's expense. I hope the schedule idea works for you. It is a goal of mine to get my wife to agree to one.
By the way, if my W started fondling herself while sitting next to me, it would get my undivided attention, Koppel be damned. (just reading that got my, ahem, attention).
I just read through all the examples on this thread. What do they have in common. THERE ARE NO LD WOMEN IN ANY OF THESE RELATIONSHIPS! The one where there WAS a LD female resulted in divorce. What all of these "Happy" couples have in common is that the difference in their sex drives is very small. In effect, all the men and women on these threads are HD. Many of us HD's on this board have spouses, male or female, that have sex drives that are 10x lower then the people in these examples. One lady on here said she liked sex 2x a day, that is 730x a year. I get sex 10x a year, NONE of which was desired by the lady. I personally want the 730x a year, so that means my desired leve of sex is somewhere between 50 to 100x greater then my spouse. There are 2 things common to great marriages according to the research I have done: 1) The se drives of the spouses involved are roughly equal, and 2) They have FREQUENT great sex. So, the thread that you listed makes it clear that these people love their sex lives because they are ALL HD. THAT IS WHAT THEY HAVE IN COMMON.
Try a different approach. Maybe us HD guys should just whip it out and start beating it. I bet that would REV up our LD wives. I bet my wife would leave the room after complaining how gross I am. No if SHE would start fondling herself, I would pay BIG bucks to see that. Ah, the difference between HD men and ND women, such a wonderful thing!
CeMar You cracker! Can't tell you the looks on my co-worker's faces when I read your post and the noises that came out of me! Being recovering LD female I can tell you tht I would NOT leave the room if my H whipped out his member and I can guarantee you that I would not stop on fondling myself while watching Now that's the wonderful thing of realizing you're LD and being able to do a lot about it. Gotta tell ya! My next SO will be saying prayers to my SBXH for "giving me the light".
Quote: The only thing I would have tried to do differently was in regards to showering,--
"Sure H, but you get to wash me, com'mon!"
Yes, but if I said that I would be hoping for an enthuiastic response and it is likely that the response I would get would be more along the lines of "I don't think so." or "I already took my shower." etc.. Even when my H is friendly and funny in his rejections it is still kind of depressing to not get the stereotypical "normal" red-blooded male response to my initiation attempts.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Being recovering LD female I can tell you tht I would NOT leave the room if my H whipped out his member and I can guarantee you that I would not stop on fondling myself while watching 
Now that's the wonderful thing of realizing you're LD and being able to do a lot about it. Gotta tell ya! My next SO will be saying prayers to my SBXH for "giving me the light".