Quote: What I think that you need to do, Jenny, is tell your husband why you are upset and find out why he feels that he is a piece of meat. I certainly would never want MrsNOP to feel that way. I know for a fact that she doesn't. How would I know that?
The reason my H feels like he is a "piece of meat" is that he feels like he has valid reasons for not wanting to have sex with me. Since I will not accept job stress, seasonal allergies, need to exercise more and poor sleep habits etc. as reasons for not having sex with me, I am being insensitive to his feelings from his POV. Since I am being insensitive to his feelings and I want to have sex with him, I am just treating him like a "piece of meat". Basically, I am treating him like a "piece of meat" because I want to have sex with him when he doesn't want to have sex with me. Basically, I am treating him like a "piece of meat" because I have a higher sex drive than him.
I should mention that I didn't do anything physical to merit this remark, I simply suggested sex in a straightforward manner. He rejected me by saying he was not in the mood due to job stress. In the spirit of persistence and good humor, a couple minutes later I said "Are you sure you don't want me to show you my breasts? I think they're looking good tonight.".
Last night, I told him that I found his "piece of meat" comment particularly troubling because it indicated a bad state of mind because he was seeing me as in some way "bad" for wanting to have sex with him. He told me that his mental state had regressed over the past week due to job stress. He told me that part of the reason for his recent insomnia was he was trying to avoid being in bed with me at a time of the evening when I might try to initiate sex.
I was a bit stunned by this remark because it was such a regression, so I didn't handle myself as I should have regarding his next remark. He said " You know I'm having a lot of stress right now. I don't know why you can't see that this is a unique circumstance and cut me some slack. Could you just lay off for a week or two?". He said this in a sort of authoritarian way, kind of like Lou Grant talking to Mary Tyler Moore. My knee-jerk reaction was first to feel guilty for being a sexual pest and then to get angry for being treated like a sexual pest. I pulled up my calendar and said "Fine. I'll see you on 12/22.".
I regretted responding in this manner almost immediately for two reasons. 1) My sex life is doomed if I accept job stress as a valid reason for low drive. My H is almost always experiencing job stress due to his high-strung personality.
2) I was going to have to go 2 weeks without sex (3 total since we've been on a dry spell).
We ended up having another discussion about sex and stress in the middle of the night. My H's job stress issue is complicated by the fact that he kind of blames me for his stress because I was overly optimistic about some financial matters. So we end up with two different ways of looking at the same set of circumstances.
LD Way: He is not in the mood for sex because of financial/job stress. Since I am partially to blame for the stress he is under, I should be understanding about his low drive.
HD Way: He is subconsciously punishing me for my poor financial planning by withholding sex. This makes me furious because I believe that withholding sex is not a fair way to fight in a marriage.
Of course, the truth is somewhere in between.
I must admit that it would be an understatement to say that I did not hold on to myself very well during this discussion. I am out of practice and I was over-tired and taken off-guard by his remarks.
Somehow we came to an agreement that I would still "lay-off" for a week or two, but once he resolves his current stress, we will start having sex on a schedule.
The positive sign I continue to see at this juncture despite all regression is that my H believes or at least wants to believe that a HD lifestyle is the better/healthier lifestyle. He is just having a hard time making it work for himself so he makes excuses like someone who wants to be in shape but keeps falling back on negative thought patterns that send him to the donut store rather than the gym.
I know my inability to deal with this setback in a PM perfect manner is at least partially due to the fact that my H's recent model behavior outside of bed has caused me to become more emotionally-fused to him. I've allowed myself to enjoy Mr. Cuddles, so now it's harder to risk giving up other aspects of my relationship for sex.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
