Seriously, I am way past this particular problem being that much of a factor in my daily life..I was just mentioning it as a unique facet of the HDW situation. Not only do we have to deal with the usual SSM stuff, but we also have to retrain ourselves to stop thinking of all men as horndogs, etc. This is very very difficult to do. It is like if I told you that "mother" doesn't always mean mother. Sure we all know of horrible mothers, but still our basic knowledge and experience of the word "mother" remains unchanged. I feel, as an HDW, like I have had to rewrite what it means to be a man and husband--based on my reality with my H--and am having to consciously continue to do so. It would be like you having to catch yourself every time you think of mothering and attaching a different meaning to it. Or something like that, lol. I suck at analogies, so I will stop.
Now on to you HDH's. Your situation sucks because, as Lillie pointed out, your spouses have "permission" to act the way they do. I can't imagine how hard that would be to work around. At least my H is motivated by the fact that his internal set of values tells him that he is being a p***y and to shape up.
