Quote: I frequently find myself in a state where I'm horny enough to want sex, but not horny enough to drive the encounter. I'm horny enough to have the thought "I wish I had a horny husband" but not horny enough to have the thought "I wonder what I can do to make my LD husband horny tonight."
I think there are stages in this process and that it is easy to get stuck somewhere along the continuum - but it doesn't *have* to be that way.
We've gone through several stages along the way, but you can get to the point where there is no constant battle. Sex is no longer an issue, much less a battle, in our relationship. But there were quite a few unhealthy behaviors/attitudes that had to be addressed along the way.
Men who do not like to be told what to do, or controlled. That's why Journey's husband had to throw that stupid remark in..just so he can re-establish the pecking order, so to speak. And I mean that in the kindest way. He probably was not even aware of what he was doing but it is his way of saying 'I am my own man'. My own H does this as well.
It is a really strange thing to be married to a LDH. I mean, in most aspects he's all guy. In the sexual R, he wants to be the girl. This causes all kinds of problems. He wants to assert his masculine power (I will ML when I want to and will go along with the schedule for the time being) all the while getting (too) in touch with his feminine side saying, I just don't have that much desire and I don't know why.
It is mind boggling and mind maddening! Sometimes I just want to holler, If you want to act like a man, then be a man all the time, not just when it suits you! It is hard for me to remember that he is not doing this gender-reversal thing only when it serves his purpose and that this is really how he is.
So MrsNOP, I totally hear ya. But I have to believe that it is far easier to get a woman to cooperate in matters of relational repair than it is some of these stubborn jackass men.
Quote: I am in your same boat re: driving the encounter. It is my energy that drives the entire thing. Sometimes this burden is too much for me. I want sex, but I don't know if I want it at that price.
This describes EXACTLY where I am. I realized that I was the one initiating EVERY SINGLE DAMNED time. And I decided that it wasn't worth it. One day I asked, "if I didn't initiate it, do you suppose we'd have sex again before the year ends?" (He did not seem to think this was a good question to ask)
So, I decided to just stop, and see what happened. After some days and nights past, with no action, I got a little testy. Then I thought it through and decided that if it was always my job/my initiative that it must be way more important to me than to him. And then decided that did not work for me, and that it was going to be okay to be celibate for a while.
It does not work for me. It works so poorly that it changes me from HD to celibate.
Hairy, didn't you mean an ASSplosion, as in getting his chewed. ha ha.
No I'm fine, really. I am having brief moments today of feeling indignant but overall this is going to be a good day.
I do see him trotting down old paths...I've been happy and loving towards him, so he backs off and pats himself on the back for a job well done. I need him to realize that this is MY version of acting as if. When he makes love to me when he doesn't really feel like it, that is his version. When I act as if I am ok with his lack of desire, that is mine.
Last night, he was doing the dishes. I told him at least 5 times to stop and that I would do them myself. He continued on and came in to sit with me (I had just finished nursing baby, which is why I couldn't help him, and had then picked up a library book) and had a huge grin on his face. I thanked him for doing the dishes, he kissed me and said, Hey what can I say...I'm an acts of service man! I looked at him and said, H. You're supposed to do things in MY love language, not your own!
Here he is, feeling pleased as punch with himself..thinking he is being the world's greatest husband and I could care less if the dishes are done. I appreciate the help, don't get me wrong, but it didn't make me feel loved and cherished. So he began giving me pecks and snuggles and that eased the WTF moment considerably.
This guy is really smart. The fact that he keeps 'talking' to me in his own language and STILL not getting it really boggles the mind!
But, again, I'm in a fairly good place today. But I do feel like bashing the LDH's.
Quote: A situation I've found myself in frequently since Mr. Wilson turned into Mr. Cuddles is that we'll be getting along wonderfully, maybe even cuddling and joking on the sofa, but I'm afraid to try and take it up a notch because I don't want to "ruin" things. It's like seducing my H is some delicate procedure that I have to be at my best in order to not botch, like brain surgery. If I'm not at my best and I try to seduce him, it goes poorly and I guess I'm more like a butcher hacking at a "piece of meat".
JJ, you hit home on that one. I feel exactly the same way. W has become more accepting of sex since we went on the schedule, but I still feel like I’m walking a tightrope and live in fear of screwing it up.
W has been better, but we still follow the same pattern every time. She NEVER initiates, but in typical LD fashion, she still controls the encounter. I start with rubbing and/or caressing various body parts. Then I begin escalating by moving closer or maybe brushing some of the more interesting parts. I continue that for a while, gradually increasing the frequency and/or amount of time spent in contact with the aforementioned interesting parts until they have my full attention. At any time during this process, W can, and frequently does, put an end to it. Always without comment. If I ask her why, she invariably gives the same response: “I just don’t feel like it.”
This always leaves me in wondering about the real reason. If she cuts me off early, I can accept that she really isn’t in the mood. But what about the more common times where she lets me continue for as much as half an hour and to the point where I’m giving the interesting parts my full attention. When she cuts me off then, is it really because she doesn’t feel like it? Didn’t she know that when the process started? Was she interested, but I screwed it up my moving too fast (she definitely likes a slow and gradual buildup approach)? Too slow so she lost interest? Is she a desire follows arousal person and gave it some time to see if she was getting aroused, then cut me off when she realized that she wasn’t?
Reading what I’ve written, it’s dawned on me that I really need to put these questions to her rather than to y’all. So why is that so d*nmed hard to do?
All of which brings me back to the original reason I replied to you in the first place – to tell you that I fully understand the “delicate procedure that I have to be at my best in order to not botch” that you mentioned.
Quote: So MrsNOP, I totally hear ya. But I have to believe that it is far easier to get a woman to cooperate in matters of relational repair than it is some of these stubborn jackass men.
LOLOL
I think it is even more basic than that. I think NOPkins was HD enough to get the relationship over the "hump" that I can't get over in my relationship. I'm not HD enough to deal with my H showing up with no sign of arousal for scheduled sex and based on recent experience, I know that is what would happen. It's like he hands his performance anxiety over to me and now I'm the one responsible for "getting it up and keeping it up". I don't know if it's deeply ingrained sexism or actual biology, but this just doesn't work for me. I don't want to have sex with a man who just shows up in a passive, agreeable mode. It's like having sex with no foreplay. I have to skip one whole phase(experiencing male desire for me) that would usually build my level of arousal. It's like most women get their food served at the table, but I have to go to the kitchen and fix my own plate.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Not all that long ago I had one of those "I'm just can't do this anymore" moments...only I said "I can't do this" in the middle of trying to initiate sex...when he was acting goofey about the whole ordeal and I was having to work just too damned hard.
That was the first time I have ever put the breaks on sex in our R...it really threw him for a loop when I said that...got up and started putting on my robe. I think I really threw him off balance by doing what I did...granted I was fed up, but I didn't lose my temper...everything I did was very calm.
This actually led to a very productive conversation. I guess it's because he probably knows me well enough to know that if I put the breaks on during sex that something was really bothering me...he'd better listen up.
Thinking about it...the majority of our really productive conversations have come from me doing something that has thrown him off balance. Hmmmmm....I wonder if there's something to that. My gut reaction is to say of course there's something to it...I did something that was very different for me to do...I changed my behavior, I didn't just go through with it anyway and have what would have been very unfullfilling sex.
