Back to Square 2

[MJontheMend]

I thought things were better and I could handle it on my own(with my H), but obviously I was wrong. Last night after unsuccessfully seducing my H, I was treated to a nice comment about how I'm not very sensitive and informed that my H doesn't like being treated like a "piece of meat".

In previous posts since my absence from the board, I indicated that my H has improved his behavior overall. This is still true. He is much less crabby and more affectionate and helpful generally, but ...... sometimes this makes me feel like my situation is even worse. At least when he was being a jerk, I was safely on the moral high ground in our relationship. Since lack of desire on his part( and infrequent rude comments generated by his defense of his lack of desire) is my only real complaint, I feel like I'm back in another crucible in which I have to really define my bottom line again. I wish I could be happy just being all cuddly and cozy now that my H has become less crabby, but it's not working. I feel like it's just another variation on trying to make myself LD which will inevitably lead to depression.

I am just so frustrated because the only way I get any real passion out of my H is by getting so fed-up that I start thinking about leaving or by "pretending" that I don't want to have sex with him. Otherwise, it's up to me to bring 90% of the heat to any initial encounter (or suggest we watch some porn).

I think my situation might actually be better if I were even more HD than I am. Then I wouldn't be depressed about having to use porn to get my H going or having to be the seductress all the time. Unfortunately, I frequently find myself in a state where I'm horny enough to want sex, but not horny enough to drive the encounter. I'm horny enough to have the thought "I wish I had a horny husband" but not horny enough to have the thought "I wonder what I can do to make my LD husband horny tonight.".

[honeypot]

Jenny,
Sorry to hear that your night sucked last night. I have heard the piece o meat comment, too. I wanted to shout back, Oh you poor baby!

I mean, sheesh, in the spectrum of wifely abuse I'd say this was one of the more pleasant forms, eh.

I am in your same boat re: driving the encounter. It is my energy that drives the entire thing. Sometimes this burden is too much for me. I want sex, but I don't know if I want it at that price.
Other times, though, I'm fine with it. Sounds like you are too.
I am fine until I reflect back on one of two things: First, that it is never HIS sexual energy that drives our lovemaking; and secondly, I still have a small problem accepting him as is. I still cannot reconcile the H that I have vs. the image I have of Man, in my brain.

Men are not supposed to BE like this! They have 20-40 more times the testosterone, blah blah.
So I have a hard time truly accepting that this is the way he is. I don't find it attractive and yet if we are to have a great sex life (which I want both for myself as well as our marriage), I have to find desire for him and be demonstrative with it.

I hate writing that I don't accept him the way he is. It seems too harsh for the way I feel about him and the way we live and interact. But this is a block I have not been able to move past.

Keep workin at it, JJ. You will smooth out these rough edges and get to a good place with your H.

In fact, I'll bet he calls you before the day is out and apologizes for the meat comment.

HP

[karen1]

JJ,

I am in the boat with you and honeypot. I know the frustration of always being responsible for the sexual health of the relationship and knowing that if you don't apply yourself it all falls apart. I look upon the sexuality in the R as the barometer of the quality of the R and that makes it very hard to tolerate times when there is no sex without my efforts. Remember, it is NOT wrong to want to be close to your mate. I understand that it is not about just wanting a piece to you. I'm sorry that your H feels that way.

Karen

[MJontheMend]

Sorry to hear that your night sucked last night. I have heard the piece o meat comment, too. I wanted to shout back, Oh you poor baby!

I mean, sheesh, in the spectrum of wifely abuse I'd say this was one of the more pleasant forms, eh.

LOL

I know. It's not like it was damaging to my self-esteem. I think there are not a few men out there who would readily tolerate a wife who's just looking for a "piece of meat" every once in a while (okay,okay 2 or 3 times a week, but still..). It's just depressing to know that his mind still works along those lines some times. It's just another excuse he can give himself for not wanting to have sex with me. Really it's the perfect excuse. If he tells himself that it's "okay" to be LD if I'm being an insensitive slut, then it will always be okay for him to be LD because I'll always be doing something that can be interpreted as slutty and/or insensitive. It's much better than his "You're too fat" excuse because I easily blew that one to bits by getting in shape.

I hate writing that I don't accept him the way he is. It seems too harsh for the way I feel about him and the way we live and interact. But this is a block I have not been able to move past.

I can relate. A situation I've found myself in frequently since Mr. Wilson turned into Mr. Cuddles is that we'll be getting along wonderfully, maybe even cuddling and joking on the sofa, but I'm afraid to try and take it up a notch because I don't want to "ruin" things. It's like seducing my H is some delicate procedure that I have to be at my best in order to not botch, like brain surgery. If I'm not at my best and I try to seduce him, it goes poorly and I guess I'm more like a butcher hacking at a "piece of meat".

[sat567]

Hi everyone. My name is Hairdog and I want to be treated like a piece of meat by my wife. I want her to check my sides, my hams, my chops, my ribs. I want her to make sure my teeth are good. I want her to look into my eyes, see if my feathers are ready to be pluckes by pulling on them gently. I want her to check the resiliency of my hide by dragging her fingernails across it. I want her to prod me, especially around my butt roasts. I want her to knead me, check for tenderness, and make sure that the right parts are firm and ready.

And after all that, I want her to ride me hard, swallow me up, and not stop until I'm as limp as a pork tenderloin.

Yes, I want to be her prime choice.

Sorry to see you back here, JJ, but glad to see you here for selfish reasons.

Hairdog

[InherJourney]

I think until our spouses are 100 percent on board with improving the marriage, there will be moments like this where we have to go back to PM mode and reassert our wants and needs in a firm,no nonsense, no wiggle room way.

BTW, I have gotten the piece of meat comment too, LOL.

My sitch is similar to yours...we have made major changes and our sex life is better now than it has been in 10 yrs but I don't have the peace of mind to relax. And good reason, too. While we have met or "beat" our schedule since it started ( even haing a few really passionate moments), H just said to me, "You know, J, we aren't going to be doing this schedule thing forever." That really blew the wind out of my sails and I could picture the HD men on this board saying wtf is his problem.

WTF is his problem?

All I can say is that he still has mixed feelings about the marriage, still has performance concerns, is still a difficult personality, etc, etc. The difference now is that I feel more self confident in what I want and have seen signs of his willingness to make things better so I feel
less defeated.

Anyway...glad you came here to vent ( we like being pieces of meat here).

XO,

IHJ

[MJontheMend]

My name is Hairdog and I want to be treated like a piece of meat by my wife.

LOL

Thanks for the HDM reality check. I knew that treating your H like a "piece of meat' was only a bad thing in LD land, but I appreciate the verification. I think the failed seduction scenes that occur in HDW/LDH households would be even more surreal from a HDM POV than they seem to us poor HDWs as we experience them. I should have freeze-dried Hank and put him in storage in case of emergency. Last night I could have just added water (or something equally wet) and brought him back to life when my H made his comment, because Hank is proud to be pure protein with a testosterone center.

[annette]

Jenny

Sorry to see you back here, but good to hear from you. I may not say too much on here but I do pretty much read all the posts. Sorry things are not going all that great.

HairyDoggie, LOL you made me smile on that last one. If I sunk my nails into H's roast, he would scream at me. He is such a wimp, the least little bit and he is crying. Pooooooooooooooooor baby. Anyway I love your humor

Annette

[MrsNOP]

You know, J, we aren't going to be doing this schedule thing forever." That really blew the wind out of my sails and I could picture the HD men on this board saying wtf is his problem.

What a poopyhead.

What do you think he was trying to establish by saying that?

This is where all the prickly past-stuff comes rushing in and the hackles rise, isn't it? I would suggest rather than assuming the worst that you approach him when you can create a little distance and ask him just what he intended to convey by saying that. Same to JJ's hubby and his piece of meat comment.

People verbally kick out for a variety of reasons, and sometimes the reason has nothing to do with the matter at hand when they loose the sewage upon you. Maybe they had a sucky day that had nothing to do with you, but you (lucky you) were nearby when they decided to make a stand.

At some point in a relationship, it has to be established that sh*tty things shouldn't be said in passing.

So, you need to call them on it, IMO.

MrsNOP

[MJontheMend]

My sitch is similar to yours...we have made major changes and our sex life is better now than it has been in 10 yrs but I don't have the peace of mind to relax. And good reason, too.

Apparently a previously SSM requires constant vigilance on the part of the HD spouse in order to avoid a return to the status quo. The reason I entitle this thread "Back to Square 2" is I feel like at least (Thank God!) I'll never go back to square 1 in my marriage because I've grown through the process of addressing the problem in a straightforward way. I have every intention of telling my H that I didn't appreciate his "piece of meat" comment and that I believe that he was just insulting me to avoid confronting his own inadequacies. Again. I am not going to pretend to be LD just to help him pretend like he's not.