Southern Cooking

[NotATLDave]

Here's something else for the HD men to think about....

If you ask your spouse "does xyz turn you on?" and they say "no way". It is highly possible that they...

a. Have never been exposed to xyz and they just assume that it WOULDN'T turn them on.
b. Have never been exposed to xyz and they don't want to believe that it would turn them on.
c. Have tried it and really don't like it and that's the end of the discussion.

Mainstream media, authors, magazines etc. have created a "norm" that we "think" is the way to approach our spouses AND how we think that WE should respond as well.

I'm slowly starting to understand that my W and I are wired differently when it comes to sex. We've been told that foreplay starts early in the day with gifts, sweet talk, gentle kisses but I'm now seeing that my W seems to like a bolder, different approach. Last week we having a perfectly nice day and for a split second I felt a sexual attraction to her and extended my gaze at her. She (thinking I was irritated with her) asked "what was that 'look' about?" and I confidently said "I was just thinking that I'd like to bend you over a table and...". Surprisingly I didn't get slapped but she came up, gave me a kiss and groped me and said "thank you". In the post above, I mentioned the Rough Rider dialog which led to her thinking positively about sex. When we actually did ML at my mom's house, it was after a "rough" statement of wanting to 'f*ck'. Now, if I asked her "do you like it when use tough sex talk?" she would emphatically say "NO" because she doesn't want to believe she outside the norm. I now *know* that this approach illicits a positive response...actually, my "sweet seduction" has never worked while this "tough seduction" seems to have worked 5 times in the past year. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense because she is LD and needs a higher amount of intensity to juice her desire. In a lot of ways, we are 'role reversed' because I seem to like romance and foreplay while she really enjoy herself with very little of that.

I highly recommend trying this. Next time you are having a "nice" time with your spouse, take a gamble and try this approach. It might work...it might not, but if it's a real feeling, then it will be easy to defend and you will feel great for saying it. My C is a huge believer in "never assume anything...always speak for yourself" and this is doing wonders in all other parts of my life. Just say what you want, when you are feeling it...it will either prompt a positive response or it wont. If it prompts a mean response, then the problem is with your spouse and it will give you a chance to define the boundary of how you want her to respond to you when she's (he's) not in the mood. Last summer, while staying at my mom's, I said "i'd love to take you to the park and make out" and W responded sarcastically "um..because you know how much I like that?" (implying that I should know better). I replied "no..because I would like to". She got the point and realized it was a "my" feeling and desire. Her response was classic fusion...I got in trouble for not being "wired into her".

Even if you don't use the "tough seduction", then arbitrary comments like "i'd love to ML to you right now" can serve as a catalyst for teaching your partner that you are your own person while sharing a "marital system" as opposed to being a part of his/her "individual system".

Thanks for letting me confuse all of you folks.