Nicegal, I appreciate your thoughts. I have no doubt that I have made my H feel many of the things you are talking about. Some of the things were not due to what I specifically said or did, but just due to the dynamic of me wanting more sex. Others, I can attribute directly to my words or actions.
You know, this summer I had a bit of the guilties and asked around if I should apologize to him for my past wrongdoings. There was a mixed response but I wanted to ease my own conscience so I did it anyway. I told him that I was sorry for the hurtful things I had said in the past and for whatever I had done to contribute to our current situation. I meant it and I have not uttered anything negative (wrt to his sex drive) since then. It is hard for me, cause I am a "go for the jugular" type of arguer, but I've stuck with it so far. Your testimony will help me to remember to continue on this path.
I think your point about the fellas wanting to 'prove' that they are not LD by getting it up more often happens in the beginning stages of working this particular problem out. After a while, though, they tend to revert back to their original state.
I don't think that anything less than true love and commitment and fierce devotion can get a couple past this problem. Not wanting to prove anything, not being worried about a label, not even the intense need for sex that all humans feel. Only the desire to make your partner happy and build a good marriage.
My husband, for instance, wants me to be happy but he doesn't want to fully participate in what that entails. So he pays lipservice to wanting me to be happy, but all the while he holds back the very thing that will help this along. Why? I don't know! I sense that he is trying to be different, as of late, and so I am BACKING OFF and letting him do that. I have to really fight with myself to give up the control. The control has served me somewhat well over the years but it is time to let it go. I say "somewhat" because, of course, it is always a bittersweet victory if you get what you wanted because you twisted an arm as opposed to it being lovingly given.
As far as your H not knowing you sexually, I don't see how this is his fault. If you have held that part of yourself back, then it is not his fault. We all have to bring ourselves FULLY to the relationship, regardless of what else might be going on. I understand why you did it but it does not excuse it, kwim? I have withheld myself with my husband too, and not surprisingly, in the very area in which he needs me to be present the most. So I know what you're talking about when you say "There is so much more to me than what he realizes." I feel that way too sometimes and have even expressed this to him, but then I realized that..I should be showing this side to him, not expecting him to dig it out of a mountainous pile with only a toothpick. So I do that sometimes but I still have the urge to say, Look at me! Don't you see what is REALLY inside of me? I find it is easier for me to express this side via email because then I can edit the Look at Me! crapola.
So show him what you are made of and do not worry about whether he is 'getting what he wants' or whatever it is that is holding you back. Be yourself.
Again, I appreciate your thoughts. It hurts my heart to think that MY husband could have the same thoughts as you do but I'm sure he does, or has had them in the past.
As far as the LD thing goes, I don't know....I do know what you are talking about. On one hand, all it means is that your drive is LOWER than your husbands. On the other hand, there are all sorts of negative connotations that go along with that label. Unsexy, boring, blah blah.
BUT, if there were more LD posters there would be an equal amount of negative characteristics posted about the HD side...Pushy, gropey, crude, whatever.
It goes both ways.
I do stand by my original statement (I think this is where your post originated from) that my H will often do things that turns me off, because he does not want to show himself sexually or because he doesn't want ME to show myself sexually at that moment. While I think that a woman acting "coy" can be a turn-on for some guys, there is nothing attractive about that attitude in a man.
Good luck to you and I agree that the NOP's have a great R!
