He said that in the absence of a good relationship, animal sex gets boring after 40 times. I don't know if I'd be bored, lol, but I would certainly tire of it and emotionally want something else.
He went on to say that partners with similar drives tend to have more friction between them. I'm not so sure about that part. I have only had a relationship with one person who I know for certain is tried-and-true HD. The others, hmmm, I think they would have stood the test of time but who knows. One for sure was LD and then I met and married my husband.
Looking back, would I have experienced a higher amount of friction with MrHD? I don't think so. Perhaps in other areas of our lives together, but not in the sexual arena.
But then again, I am not some firecracker volatile crackpot of a woman--I'm a normal HD person. I am a housewife who dotes on her kids. I get the impression that NOP's HD partners were sorta loose cannons.
Who knows, but I wanted to tell you to get that 40 thing outta your head! I don't think we HD wives are doomed to get boring after 40 times.
But I can't talk much because I don't offer my H animal sex every time either. My own natural preference for that would be, say, 1 time out of 10. The rest of the time I am content with fast-paced-but-predictable sex. And a session of making lurrrv every once in a while.
To chime in with CeMar: Why is your H so tired? The lump on the head thing... the dizziness while driving... I wish you could get him to go for a physical checkup...
The Nops have such positive and accepting attitudes. I look at it that they have worked through things. He is a HD and she a LD, which is the same for me. I figure that when you've lived it and done it, I'm going to listen.
One thing that I have had to deal with as now I am termed a LDW. Really, I HATE labels! We are all so different. In EVERY relationship one S will have a higher drive than another. Just because I have less natural drive (and time to think about it) than my H, why does that mean I am a LD? What a label to get your mind to thinking of yourself that way. I'm through with it as of today!
One thing I have CHOSEN not to think about is everything I know my husband is disappointed in me about sex. If I think about it (which I did A LOT in the past) then I won't even want to have sex. When I know I'm looked upon as "unsexy" then what is the point? It is hard to get the feelings involved when words, actions, etc. have been there for years expressing displeasure.
#1 - I was wrong for not listening to my H needs! He's always wanted it more than me and probably always will. I should have been more listening, understanding, and doing.
#2 - He was wrong for expressing it in a complaining way!
When I feel "less than a woman" I don't act as sexy. No matter how sexy I've acted and tried to when that is not remembered, instead, only my lack is talked about. You feel like, what is the point?
Plus when you are reminded that you are not feeling it like you are supposed to. Well that makes you not feel it. You feel like you are constantly judged. That sex is being rated. That it is a performance. A relationship is accepting of the other person. A relationship sees the one spouse trying to please the other, not judging for what they haven't measured up to. I've had to endure all that. I had grown to be terrified of sex because I would'nt have done it to the "perfection" he wanted. (but no longer, for me)
I'm at the place that I am not thinking about it. I am trying to be who I am. And it is a lot more sexy than my H knows or has acknowledged. But when the S has continually acknowledged that they want sex more than you (thus meaning they are more sexy) it just sucks any wildness right out of you!
I KNOW my H has a stronger drive than me. But I also KNOW that I am way more exciting that he will acknowledge me to be. He tends to see the glass half full.
I'm just wondering if a H with a lower drive than his W, when he knows that, I'd wonder if it would be even more so with H than with W that it makes them feel even less sexual and "perform" less because of their ego. It sure has affected me that way in the past.
I just think that to some degree at least a husband who has less drive than his wife would be incredibly challenged to feel like a man. And wouldn't that, in itself, to some degree affect his drive. Like when you "can't get it up" once then it works on your head to "get it up".
I'm just talked about how a lower drive spouse can feel. I've chosen not to let how I feel dictate to me how I AM SEXUALLY. It has taken a LONG time for me to get to this place and I still have further to go. I want to make my husband happy. The NOPS give me hope. Their attitudes behind the sex, their relationship and the way they talk about living it out everyday is a great picture to look at.
I didn't really take NOP that way either. I'm just sort of cheating by using the quote about getting bored after 40x to argue in an absurd fashion against his claim that HD/HD wouldn't work.
Like you, I don't have enough "evidence" from my own experience to figure out the truth of the matter but based on the experience of my 38 year old HD sister, the "getting bored after 40x" and dumping the HD woman is what HD men do in their youth. Everybody wants to settle down into a good relationship eventually no matter what their drive might be. My sister avoids casual relationships with 40-something men because she doesn't want to have to hurt them if she isn't serious, not because she's afraid they'll "use" her for sex and then discard her like the more jerky ones did in her 20s.
Quote: But I can't talk much because I don't offer my H animal sex every time either. My own natural preference for that would be, say, 1 time out of 10. The rest of the time I am content with fast-paced-but-predictable sex. And a session of making lurrrv every once in a while.
That sounds about right for me too. I can only get revved up to the transcendent/wall socket sex level about 1/20 of the time. I think variety in tone and intensity is much more important than variety in position or "props" for maintaining interest. For instance, you can take the plain old vanilla missionary position and adjust the tempo to anything from a soulful slow ride to a frenzied f*ck fest. Add some eye contact to make it more "lovey" or add some choices verbs and make it more "nasty". After all, sometimes the costume shop is all sold out on French Maid with Garters and the moon isn't full and the wind isn't high and you're not about to ovulate etc. I know I'm digressing here but once again the thought occurs to me that the main reason it is depressing that my H doesn't find me desirable is that IMO the main thing that should make me desirable is the sexy way my brain works, not the ratio of my boobs to my waist etc. He is rejecting a very large part of what makes me the unique person that I am by rejecting my sexuality. It's as though I was an amateur artist and he wasn't interested enough to take the time to look at my work because he was too busy watching Ted Koppel.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Hi Lil, You're right; he needs to go in for a checkup. He rescheduled his appt, but I have no hopes of him keeping this one either. His own health is just not a priority for him. In the past I would have forced him to go and I just don't want to do that this time. I briefly flipped out when he said he was cancelling it but then I regrouped and didn't say anything else about it, except to say "oh good" when he told me he rescheduled.
His tiredness...well, he's not really TIRED in the sense that he walks around feeling fatigued. He is super hyper. On the move, all the time. But when he lays down, this weird thing happens and he cannot stay conscious. Lillie, I have watched him laying on his back, holding a thick Bible up in the air and drop the whole dang thing on his face! This, after reading maybe a sentence or two. There is no warning or buildup. He goes from awake to asleep within a few seconds.
Even when I beat him to bed and am laying there waiting for him, I have to DO something quickly or he will fall asleep. I suppose that's where some of my "desire me or die" resentment comes in. I have to always be DOING something, instead of just enjoying his attentions.
However, as I wrote on another thread, he has been giving me attention outside the bedroom this week and though it hasn't resulted in sex, I'm confident that we will hook up tonight or tomorrow and capitalize on those feelings. Things are lookin up.
I'll let you know what the doctor says about him, though I'm sure he's healthy as a horse.
JJ said: ------------- .....please remember that after you had wild animal sex with one of us about 40 times, you would find yourself bored and LD and no longer so enamored of our charms. -------------
Argh.
If I had no relationship with you and we did it 40 times in any fashion, not just animalistic, I would be tired of you and move on. The point was regarding the maintainability of an emotional/sexual relationship.
If you don't like what I said, then say so. I don't think what you are doing is even remotely entertaining.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
HOney, I was browsing the "Boundaries in Marriage" Amazon page and came across this: Sex, Romance And The Glory Of God: What Every Christian Husband Needs To Know. Well, anyway, the TITLE might appeal to him (although I know, as a former Catholic, that books with "Christian" in the title don't necessarily appeal to Catholics.)
BTW did Kosher Sex ever come from the Library? It's about passionate sex in a very, very religious context.
I think everything you say makes sense and Kudos to you for claiming your sexuality for yourself. The problem with your analysis, IMO, is that when people are married, they know each other too well to hide how they feel about things, especially things like sex. I have NEVER said anything negative to my H about his skills as a lover besides pointing out the infrequency with which he practices those skills. In fact, I don't have any real complaints about his performance once he gets into action mode but even if I tried, I would be unable to hide the fact that I am disappointed that he wants sex so infrequently and is so unresponsive to my attempts at initiation when I am in the mood. It's kind of funny that you feel sexually rejected in a way that makes you LD and I feel sexually rejected in a way that makes me HD. Unfortunately, not funny in a ha-ha kind of way.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Nicegal, I appreciate your thoughts. I have no doubt that I have made my H feel many of the things you are talking about. Some of the things were not due to what I specifically said or did, but just due to the dynamic of me wanting more sex. Others, I can attribute directly to my words or actions.
You know, this summer I had a bit of the guilties and asked around if I should apologize to him for my past wrongdoings. There was a mixed response but I wanted to ease my own conscience so I did it anyway. I told him that I was sorry for the hurtful things I had said in the past and for whatever I had done to contribute to our current situation. I meant it and I have not uttered anything negative (wrt to his sex drive) since then. It is hard for me, cause I am a "go for the jugular" type of arguer, but I've stuck with it so far. Your testimony will help me to remember to continue on this path.
I think your point about the fellas wanting to 'prove' that they are not LD by getting it up more often happens in the beginning stages of working this particular problem out. After a while, though, they tend to revert back to their original state.
I don't think that anything less than true love and commitment and fierce devotion can get a couple past this problem. Not wanting to prove anything, not being worried about a label, not even the intense need for sex that all humans feel. Only the desire to make your partner happy and build a good marriage.
My husband, for instance, wants me to be happy but he doesn't want to fully participate in what that entails. So he pays lipservice to wanting me to be happy, but all the while he holds back the very thing that will help this along. Why? I don't know! I sense that he is trying to be different, as of late, and so I am BACKING OFF and letting him do that. I have to really fight with myself to give up the control. The control has served me somewhat well over the years but it is time to let it go. I say "somewhat" because, of course, it is always a bittersweet victory if you get what you wanted because you twisted an arm as opposed to it being lovingly given.
As far as your H not knowing you sexually, I don't see how this is his fault. If you have held that part of yourself back, then it is not his fault. We all have to bring ourselves FULLY to the relationship, regardless of what else might be going on. I understand why you did it but it does not excuse it, kwim? I have withheld myself with my husband too, and not surprisingly, in the very area in which he needs me to be present the most. So I know what you're talking about when you say "There is so much more to me than what he realizes." I feel that way too sometimes and have even expressed this to him, but then I realized that..I should be showing this side to him, not expecting him to dig it out of a mountainous pile with only a toothpick. So I do that sometimes but I still have the urge to say, Look at me! Don't you see what is REALLY inside of me? I find it is easier for me to express this side via email because then I can edit the Look at Me! crapola.
So show him what you are made of and do not worry about whether he is 'getting what he wants' or whatever it is that is holding you back. Be yourself.
Again, I appreciate your thoughts. It hurts my heart to think that MY husband could have the same thoughts as you do but I'm sure he does, or has had them in the past.
As far as the LD thing goes, I don't know....I do know what you are talking about. On one hand, all it means is that your drive is LOWER than your husbands. On the other hand, there are all sorts of negative connotations that go along with that label. Unsexy, boring, blah blah.
BUT, if there were more LD posters there would be an equal amount of negative characteristics posted about the HD side...Pushy, gropey, crude, whatever.
It goes both ways.
I do stand by my original statement (I think this is where your post originated from) that my H will often do things that turns me off, because he does not want to show himself sexually or because he doesn't want ME to show myself sexually at that moment. While I think that a woman acting "coy" can be a turn-on for some guys, there is nothing attractive about that attitude in a man.
Good luck to you and I agree that the NOP's have a great R!
HP, Too bad he isn't up to ML anywhere but the bedroom. If reclining on the bed makes the lights go out, then I guess you need to jump him somewhere not bed. Hmmmmm, maybe it is time to convert the attic into a secret sex den , you know a room with only one purpose...
, you know a room with only one purpose... 
