We already have sex 2-3 times per week so the frequency is not the issue for me. We have, thank goodness, worked through that and both agree that 2-4 times per week is good for us.
My problem these days (if you can call it that) is that he keeps all his desire locked up tightly inside him and it makes everything so damn boring for me. I never know if it is a Sex Night or not, because I have no idea what is going on inside his head or body. If I played my cards right, I could get sex nearly every time I wanted it but at this point in time, I need him to WANT SEX WITH ME. And I need him to be able to demonstrate that. I am no longer content to take his word that he really does have sexual feelings for me. I am no longer content to have him accomodate me. I don't even think he is truly accomodating me, I think he wants it too, but he GETS something out of maintaining that dynamic, and I don't.
IOW, he has stepped up with the frequency for quite some time now (excluding my pregnancy) and has recently stepped up his efforts to provide greater variety while we are ML (yeah!!) so the missing piece of de puzzle for me is him acting like this is what he WANTS and not that it is something he grudgingly hands over to me, to keep me happy.
My goals for myself are: 1. To back off and maintain a happy atmosphere. Normally, I could back off and become dispassionate, OR I could stay passionate and be pissy that he was ignoring my needs. This is going to sound nutz but the last two nights (yes I'm keeping track!) I have had a very nice atmosphere in our home. I am enjoying his attentions, from the physical improvements, and though they are not leading to ML I am staying positive. In the past, I would have been upset that he was aroused by me early in the evening, I undressed in front of him and he watched with appreciation at bedtime and......nothing. I am REALLY (x100) trying to rein myself in and chill the hell out. I have put him in a position in which he is expected to jump on my every move towards him. This isn't fair. Sure, an HD man would do that but I'm not married to an HD man, nor would I ever be willing to trade my H in for a newer model.
2. At the same time, this is not "do what you want, husband" mode for me. He is still expected to maintain the progress that we have made, as am I. In the past, when I let off the pressure he takes a big breath and relaxes into being asexual. My goal is to develop a way to gently put the pressure back on if he is slipping into this mode, without becoming a shrew or PM'ing him. The problem is, of course, that he becomes accustomed to me reining him back in. The cycle is: He slips, I get him back in line, he makes an effort until I relax, he slips again. Repeat ad nauseum. I still haven't found a way out of this crapper cycle but I am coming up short. Suggestions welcome.
3. Adjust my thinking on what would sassify me (that's a little Clarence Carter for you folks): Right now, I am thinking that I deserve one night a week in which the sex is intentional and he WANTS it. Prior to this, I think I was secretly hanging on to the hope that all of our encounters would be wanted by my H. Well, he may get to the point that he mentally wants it..wants to please me in other words..but there is still going to be the Gotta Keep Momma Happy element. Can't get away from that, so I need to learn to deal with it with a gracious heart.
That's all for now. Oh, to address your original point, my H has never been willing to give me oral or a hj on the nights he is not in the mood. He has a very self centered attitude of "We had sex X number of times this week, that is ENOUGH for her."
