Honeypot?

[honeypot]

That is why I am pushing for the dreaded schedule.

For the record, he is the one refusing to cooperate with scheduled sex. I first mentioned it to him in September of 2002. He was resistent then and he remains so today. Last week he wanted to use the schedule idea to his advantage (it's not a scheduled day) on Sunday and then by Tuesday was saying, "Schedules are made to be broken." In between 9/02 and the present day I have mentioned scheduling sex several times and each time he is totally opposed to the idea. These last weeks he has SEEMED more open to the idea, but I now believe he was just buying himself time. Within that time, he wants me to see that he doesn't need a schedule--he's willing to have lots of sex without it. I've told him why I want a sched (to remove the stigma) but he's not hearing that part yet, I don't think.

So for now, we will continue on with what we are doing. A schedule is not necessary to the success but it sure would help him get the #*%! over himself.

I think that he wants to do that! I think that he is scared to try.

Agreed.

My requirement for MrsNOP, ultimately, was that she want to be there (in bed).

Lemme ask you this: How did you know she wanted to be there? What were the signals that you looked for? Perhaps I am missing his "I want to be here with you" signals. Honestly, NOP, all I have to go on is maybe a passionate peck sometime during the night and the inevitable ZZZZZZZZ's at bedtime. His desire is so fleeting that it is hard for me to catch it. It doesn't help that he treats a lot of this as a joke. (which I believe is another LDH trait--more so than the LDW's--I know, I'm full of generalizations eh) The other night I suggested that we give each other a goodnight hug and kiss before we lay down at night. I said, "H, I believe that you fall asleep on accident the majority of the time and then you find it impossible to wake up and desire sex with me." Him: ( relief flooding his voice): Oh that is so true! I don't mean to fall asleep but I happen to be the kind of person who falls asleep, a deep sleep, in seconds. Unless you beat me to bed there is no chance I'll be awake when you get here.

He's not exaggerating that--I usually come to bed within a couple of minutes after him and he is snoring every single time..no matter how horny he may have been before laying down.
So back to the story:
HP: If we were standing, I KNOW that things would heat up--they always do! That way, I wouldn't get my feelings hurt that you fall asleep on me and you wouldn't have to feel guilty that you fell asleep again.
MrHP: Yeah that'd be nice.
HP: So whaddya say, do you want to plan on staying upright til I get in bed? (again, folks, it is a matter of minutes, he could sit upright in bed if he wanted to)
MrHP: hahaha. Yeah, staying upright so I don't fall asleep. Man you are creative! hahaha.
HP: ( somewhat disheartened) Uh, I'm being serious.
MrHP: Oh so now I can't lay down when I'm tired?!
HP: Noooooo. Well, that's not how I intended you to take it. You know what, do what you want. I didn't mean to make it sound like you can't lay down, I was just thinking of ways to get around this sleep thing. I think that your desire for me is a lot stronger than what I realize and the constant falling asleep throws me off.
MrHP: The falling asleep does NOT mean I don't desire you. It's just that once I lay down, any desire I have goes out the window and all I want to do is sleep.
HP: Right. That's why I was thinking of ways around it.
MrHP: heh heh. Yeah. Well, I guess we could do that once in a while.

So he treats this whole thing as this funny little pet project of mine. I believe that he hears me say how important it is but I don't think that he can admit the extent to which he is failing at this because it fcuks with his manhood too much.

For the record, there was quite a long spell where she only "showed up" with no desire or passion. It was from there that we eventually faced our problems and worked through them. It was not due to my 'super drive', it was due to our tenacious personalities that we made it this far.

I see what you are saying, but this is an area in which the sex of the LD partner makes all the difference in the world. This is what I keep repeating and you seem to be coming back to me saying that it doesn't matter, when it clearly does.
If the LD partner is male, then just doing is a whole different ballgame. Then it is a matter of the wife arousing the man, which sounds similar to an HD male arousing his wife but IT ISN'T. Most LD men will employ a whole host of tactics to disguise the fact that they have no erection, anger and sleeping being a few of them. It pisses them off that their wives are demanding not only sex but sex in which they have to get hard, be present and be ACTIVE. They want to be passive at that moment (and show up with no desire and just accomodate) but they cannot by definition do that. So they emotionally stonewall to get their wife off their back and avoid having to face the ultimate embarrassment and shame of not having the proper amount of mojo to get it up. An LDW can show up with no desire, and may or may not ever fully get into it. I'm sure there were many a night when you were starting in which the Mrs had to fake it til she made it. This is not possible with an LDH and he will put the brakes on the whole operation.

Since I'm on a roll, let me also say this: I don't think that what you had or have was a schedule. It was an agreement to have sex every single day. That is a schedule in the loose sense of the word, but in the greater scheme of things I would not expect the same sorts of results with a, say, MWF schedule. The reason is, of course, that with your current setup there is not a day in which MrsNOP is "off". Her mind is always going to be in a sexual place because you have sex every day. My H has absolutely ruled out everyday sex. He will not even entertain this idea, because of the above reason--he cannot just show up on a day when he might not be feeling the strongest desire and have me take over. His erection (and therefore his pretty strong desire) is a necessary component, not an option. The fear and anxiety this causes results in feelings of resentment (She wants too much) and inadequacy in him. There are ways around it with the LDW because her strong desire is not a necessary component to the process.

And, you know, it is not even the actual desire that is the problem--it is the perception that he HAS to get hard or the plane aint getting off the ground--that fuels the shutdown in him. He doesn't want to get started with showing his fleeting desire because he is not sure he has the mojo to carry it through to completion. This is not an issue in your home because MrsNOP is not the one whose desire has to be strong enough to carry the day--yours is.
This knowledge freaks my H out and causes him to not act on whatever smidgin (how the heck do you spell that word anyway?!) of desire he might be feeling.

It is a good thing to notice the positives, but address the negatives, you must.

I'm not trying to be a pest, but honestly a few days ago everyone was telling me to back off and chill out! I thought I was on a better track and now I'm not sure...can you advise?
My thought process is not that I am totally giving up (can you even imagine me saying such a thing!) but that I am giving up on pushing for more forward progress. He is clearly not going to give that right now. I think I would like to build on the progress we've made and chill on the rest. Corri said to me that her husband would nag, she'd make changes and there he'd be back nagging again. I am the same way. I don't WANT to be this person. I am mostly satisfied with the way things are. If they start to go backwards, you can bet that I will be right there letting him know about it. But I just have no more motivation to get him to see what it is I want. He's not deaf, he's heard me and he doesn't want to cooperate.

I also still don't have a clear idea of what "backing off" LOOKS like in real life. I am assuming that means to chill on the heavy talks, etc, so that is going to be my first step. This is a big one for me! It is going to be very difficult.
In the meantime, I will continue to work on my goals and encourage him as best as I can to let whatever desire he has outta the cage.

HP