I am speaking only for myself here and I want to say that I am not after 'throw me down on the bed' sex when I say aggression. Sure, that'd be great!, but that is not what I am referring to.
NOP, I think the word "aggression" is throwing you off as to what I am talking about. Think about the way you LOOK at MrsNOP when preparing to ML to her. THAT is the aggression I am talking about. A man who is comfortable enough in his own sexual skin to let his feelings and desires clearly show. My husband will look at me with this half-smiley, clearly self conscious look on his face that does nothing for me, sexually speaking. He has done this since I've known him. Perhaps, as you say, I should have married someone else who could have sexually led the experience, which is obviously what I prefer. My husband BORROWS my sexual energy. He does not look at me as if he wants me, or touch me in an urgent way. It is polite and self controlled until I show MY desire and then he springs into life. He is so scared of looking silly that he won't come out of his shell. I guess he'd rather lose me before he'd risk that.
So I am quite certain that you have NO problems showing this form of aggression to MrsNOP. When you look at her and are turned on, I'm positive she can see it in your eyes. My H's eyes are a blank canvas in which I have no clue what he's thinking. There've been times when I was sure he was turned on looking at me and it turns out he was deep in thought about an ice cream sandwich. (oh how I wish I was kidding) Likewise, MrsNOP has no doubt what's on your mind when you are touching her in a suggestive way. Me? It could go either way. He might be turned on and intentionally doing it, he may just be absentmindedly touching something with no clue that...doh!...his hands are between my legs.
You are probably thinking, Oh that's bullsh*t, he knows exactly what he's doing.
And THAT'S my whole point. This whole scenario is just mind boggling and impossible to believe unless you are either an LD man yourself, or an HDW who is living it.
Quote: I suspect that when your respective husbands (Jenny's and HP's), step up to meet your needs, that they are putting more in it than you recognize, or appreciate. Why is that not considered passion?
As I said above, the passion comes out AFTER I have already shown my own. So I recognize it as passion, but it is way diluted. It does not have the same effect when EVERY time, I have to act horny (well, not really acting, lol) and be the 'leader' so that he can feel safe enough to come out of his shell.
So NOP, if you had to show your own passion first every single time, and there were no other tangible signs of her desire, would you consider her passionate for you? If I remember correctly it wasn't until she started showing desire for you AND you had regular sex, that you began considering her passionate for you. I have one of those criteria but not the other.
Furthermore, why is me insisting on him showing his desire for me an "impossible to meet" standard? Why was it okay for you to require this of your wife but I am being pushy?
And please don't assume that I don't put loads of effort and energy into my relationship with him. I have goals that I look at and act on every day. There are six of them and only two are sexual in nature. If you were to sit down and have a heart to heart with my H, he would say that none of his needs are unmet and he is the happiest and luckiest husband on earth.
I have made what I believe is a simple and necessary requirement of him and he has failed to deliver it.
Now I have two choices: Continue pushing and run the risk of pushing him away; or find a way to accept that I can have one half of the equation (frequent sex and lotsa love) but not the other (desire and fun and sneaks and tweaks). I am choosing the latter. This is not defeatist, poor-me talk either. I fully intend to embark on this journey, and can feel myself already on the road.
At this point in my life, it aint happening. He is giving me all he's got. Well not everything (see above) but as much as he's currently willing to give. Perhaps someday in the future he will want to give more. I doubt it but you never know! If it happens, I plan on it being a pleasant surprise.
Now, having said all that, I want to give my H his props. He has continued to progress, even in this last pregnancy year. We both are, actually. He is stretching himself, for sure, but still has problems with desire. He gets incredibly nervous while giving me passionate pecks. This is not anything that I am doing or not doing..I make it as safe as I possibly can for him. This is WITHIN HIMSELF, MrNOP.
I think I have finally realized that I can't control something that's within him. I have done all I can with the outside influences and what Michele and Snarky boy say is so true! The changes in our lives are so dramatic that we are not the same people at all. However, you can't effect these changes forever, right! There is a natural end point where you either stand back and say, This is exactly what I wanted! Or you stand back and say, This is much much better and I am happy with the changes even though it's not perfection.
I'm choosing the second one. I consider us a success story, but I'm wasting my time striving for something that he rarely feels nor is willing to give out freely when he does feel it.
