Honeypot?

[MJontheMend]

It seems to me, that both of you are scared that you will end up settling for less, if you don't hold up an impossible to meet standard for your spouses.

If Jenny and HP will insert one third of the energy that you spend cogitating and worrying about your spouses shortcomings in meeting your needs, back into the relationship, you will see remarkable changes.

Et tu, NOPkins. (sigh)

But don't feel bad. It's natural to view HD women as shrewish and demanding. It's yet another way in which being in a SSM is wonderful for a woman's self-esteem. Fortunately for me, I know it isn't true. I also know it isn't true that I am lazy about working on my relationship.

Really, I agree with much of what you had to say. Perhaps I haven't explained my current sich clearly enough. My H was showing up for sex even though he wasn't in the mood. He was "stepping outside his comfort zone" to meet my needs and I appreciated it. However, it was a very uncomfortable process for both of us. I'm not without empathy for his situation,in fact the problem may be I have too much empathy. When he shows up to have sex with me even though he's physically not aroused, I feel that this is an expression of his love for me, but I also feel guilty for creating a situation in which he has to feel inadequate. These feelings of guilt compounded with the responsibility of having to bring all the "heat" to the encounter cause me to feel anxious and therefore LD. This is what I mean when I say that you are more successful with the scheduled sex because you are more HD than me. In the absence of evidence of male arousal, my little ovaries just don't pump out enough testosterone to get us both over the hump.

I am angry and disheartened because my H chose to use a minor financial issue as an excuse to avoid the discomfort of continuing working his way through these encounters with me. He was being disingenuous when he implied that I was treating him like a "piece of meat". When he is in the mood, he likes being treated like a "piece of meat" as much as the next guy. He said this to me for the same reason that he used to blame the problem on my weight. Everyone knows that it's okay to not want to f*ck a "hard-hearted" woman, just like it's okay to not want to f*ck a fat one. I suppose I could keep an "Acts of Kindness" journal to prove to myself that I am a caring person, the same way I weigh myself daily to prove that I'm not fat, but I'm sick of playing these games.

MY IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS/DEMANDS

I would like to have sex at least 2 or 3 times a week. I would prefer spontaneous sex that was initiated at least half the time by my husband, but I will be content with scheduled sex for which he at least shows up willing in mind/heart if not body.


BTW. I love you NOP, but when you write about your youthful experiences spoiling "animal-like impassioned" sex for you, it reminds me of someone talking about how they can never drink whiskey again because of the time they found themselves face down in a ditch choking on their own vomit. Overindulgence in a pleasure does not necessarily make one an expert in that pleasure. I don't want to be a teetotaler or a drunk. I'm generally content with a just a glass of white wine after dinner, but every once in a while, when the moon is full, I like to get out the whiskey or tequila and howl like a wild thing.