I wrote a post a while ago but had to close up shop due to the fact that someone was knocking on my door. It is history now, but the gist of it was "Can I really do this?" meaning, accept that I will have good, frequent sex but with a sexually passive man. I don't think that the HD men or the LD wives of the board can relate to this one, in my opinion. It is really a mind screw to be at this destination. Not a "I'm so depressed, I can't go on" at ALL, but just a wtf feeling is settling down upon me like a gentle cloudy mist. I cannot believe that this is my fate, and yet it obviously is for as long as I stay married to him. And since I aint going anywhere, I suppose is forever! What a shock and surprise to discover that I can't PM him towards aggression or assertiveness.
However, I do realize that continuing to push him will make things even worse than they were when we started this. He is eventually going to go running for Shutdown Mode. Corri is right about this.
My biggest worry/fear right now is that I am wondering and desperately hoping that my love will stay strong, despite the fact that I will constantly be struggling to reconcile the fact that I am sexually not turned on by passive men, but that I must shove this to the back so that we can continue to have frequent easy sex or ALL of my love will fade. Weird.
I feel a sense of finality closing in on me. Maybe this IS acceptance and I don't even know it. All I know is that I am sick to death of the fight that gets me nowhere, anyway.
I have little thoughts that get my mind all riled up, also. I read a book about testosterone and I could NOT (and still can't) wrap my mind around why this chemical would not have the same effect on MY husband that it has on the rest of the world's population of men. That is something that will have to be forgotten before acceptance truly occurs. There are lots of things, actually. But I am committed to working on the process of doing that.
Before, I was committed to working on turning him from sexually passive to sexually aggressive. In short, I wanted to turn him back into a man. I want to go back to being the woman of the relationship. This is not going to happen and it has taken me a long time to come to this realization. I don't give up easily. Especially on things as important to me as him and my marriage and sex life.
But I can honestly say that this is the first time in many years that I have faced the fact that I will likely have to be--for the rest of my life--the sexual aggressor. Prior to this, I've been willing to adopt that role temporarily but not permanently.
He's come a loooong way. He does not resemble whatsoever the fcuked up guy he was when we started this. We are happy and intimate with each other. There has been an unspoken war going on, as I try to force him to be psychologically on top and he resists with all his might.
It's time for me to wave the white flag and accept the progress we have made. I hope God gives me the strength I need to continue to be the aggressor; otherwise, we're doomed!
Honeypot
P.S. H has his noggin lump doctors appt today. Keep him in your thoughts. Incidentally he will not be mentioning the T test and that may be a good thing. When it came back normal-to-high, I'd probably have had a meltdown.
P.P.S. Never mind on the above paragraph. He just called and said that his job is so busy today that he is cancelling the appt. I am livid. This is the second time that he has cancelled the appt re: his head. wtf is the matter with some people.
