Lassie, Good advice. I have been thinking about this all day long. I do realize that I am a huge part of the problem.
At the same time, the reason I give him the hawkeye (no not literally but I am certainly scrutinizing his behavior) is because I have been at this for SO long. I am past the point of wanting to be kind and patient. I have no patience left. It is time for him to you-know-what or get off the pot.
I have been continuing to push him because I am stuck in this marriage, as long as I decide to keep my wedding vows. As a Catholic, I would not be able to remarry if I divorce him.
Also I love him like there is no tomorrow. Do I love him enough to accept him as is, and stop pushing? Ah, the million dollar question! He is sexually passive and I am not attracted to this. So for me to accept him as is means to essentially give up on what I find sexually attractive. This, as you know, is a much bigger thing than just "accepting him" sounds like. It is giving up a part of myself--the BIGGEST part of myself in order to stay married to him.
He has no clue of the significance of this for me and how difficult it is to make that decision.
However, to return to your original point: Yes, I have been pondering all day how I am going to find it in myself to back off permanently. Since I have been at this so long, I already know what the results will be. He will not step up to the plate, Lass. So for me to back off means that I am giving up.
It's hard to give up and say, Well I will have frequent sex but no desire or passion. I will have satisfying sex that feels wonderful but I will have to drive the entire procedure, for the rest of my life.
See, I have been at this long enough to have seen what the END is. My situation is not going to get much better than it currently is, and I am not entirely satisfied. Some might say that I need to chill out and be happy, and they might be right. Still, my feelings INSIDE me are that this is fine..okay...but not quite what I envisioned when setting down the Road to Recovery.
This may sound 'down' but I am quite happy today. Trying to find it in myself to let go and accept that I have reached the end of the road and though it is not the destination I thought I'd arrive at, it is still a pretty nice place. Just that all the men are sexually passive here. LOL
