Oh my god, the toilet story... my stomach hurts from laughing so hard... you're certainly more woman than I am... my arm would NEVER go down a poopy toilet, water filling the entire house or not...
But in all seriousness... whether you think you handled that well or not, you handled it. You may have had a meltdown afterwards, but you handled it.
And everything your H does, he does for you and the kids. I don't care if it's finances, or cars, or repairing the roof, he's doing it all for YOU. That means, YOU control him. He's doing it out of LOVE, even if he grumbles and moans and complains while doing it. If he didn't LOVE you, you can bet your bippy he wouldn't do it unless he felt like it.
Quote: Corri: He WANTS to not need me more than I ACTUALLY don't need him.
Never a truer statement uttered. Now. This is going to make no sense, but this is what we humans do when we are not consciously aware of what we are doing. And Schnarch talks about this, too. Your H wants you to NEED him, but your H doesn't want to NEED you. It scares the hell out of him, for all the reasons already explained.
So in his effort of trying NOT to NEED you, he actually pushes you away -- the very thing that will destroy him. It's like he has one hand held up asking you to come closer, and at the same time, the other hand is held up demanding that you stop. Problem is, he doesn't realize what he is doing.... which is why he is doing this...
When my H and I were in counseling, we discovered that one of my H's number one fears was being abandoned (i.e., me leaving him. He'd already been through one divorce that darn near destroyed him and he wasn't going to by God go through that again). However. Keeping emotional distance from the person you claim to love is the exact thing that will drive them out the door and leave you facing your number one fear: being left.
So in a sense, my H wanted me to give my all to him, but not return the favor because he was protecting himself for the day when I might no longer be there... yet his very actions were the thing that was driving me out the door.
You cannot create intimacy that way, no matter how you slice it.
If I've been reading you right, you don't need sex everyday, but you do need to know that your H sexually needs you everyday. You need to know that he thinks about you, that you are important to him, not as the mother of his kids, or as the wife at home, but as the girl your H fell in love with.
We ALL NEED THAT. We need to know that we are important to the person we married outside the daily routine. And like most HD's say, it isn't about frequency of sex... it's about frequency of communicating the desire (i.e., you are important to me) you feel for your partner. Sex is a major component, yes, especially for those who express themselves in physical ways...
But your H, I think, is afraid to let you know just how important you are to him, because that will make him vulnerable to the ultimate hurt.
Of course this makes no logical sense, and it can't, because this is not a conscious thought for him. This is below the surface. It drives his actions and his inactions, and that is why he'll say to you he doesn't KNOW why his drive is lower than yours. He really, truly doesn't know. It is buried. For him to admit it would, again, make him vulnerable.
So... if he can keep you NEEDING him, then he has the confirmation he needs that you LOVE him, without making himself vulnerable or NEEDING in return. (Which is horseshiit, but he doesn't KNOW that).
One of the things I have discoverd with my H is that if we have sex too frequently, it just isn't.... good. It's OK. And I swear, OK sex is worse than no sex at all. Now, on my end, I was thinking... but this is what he said he wanted... until I discovered that no, that isn't what he wants. Us having OK sex is more damaging to his sensitive side than me telling him no... what my H needs, everyday, is to know that I love him, I need him, and I desire him. I need a really horny H to get my engines revved (like what Atl. Dave was talking about) to have the wall-socket sex we both love. Saying NO to him, if not done too frequently, revvs him up. It gets him horny. It contributes to fantastic sex, provided I am not rejecting him in the process... which means that I still communicate my love and desire for him. THAT'S what he wants. He wants to know that he is loved and needed without having to ask for it.
Which is what I think you pretty much need, too?
And my point is, you will NOT get this through the full-frontal sex attack because he doesn't 'get it.' Not yet. He doesn't understand what it is you are asking of him, and he doesn't understand how his OWN BARRIERS are the very thing standing in his way of giving you a very simple thing, which at the same time would provide him with the reassurance he is seeking that you are not going to leave him.
Oh. I forgot to add. When you are too efficient... it creates doubt in the mind of your H about how much you really do NEED him. When you compete with your H and WIN, it creates doubt about how much you really do NEED him. That is why power struggles are so dangerous in relationships. It makes one person feel oppressed and the other person incompetent. The one place competition isn't healthy (97% of the time) is in an intimate relationship. It is one area where TEAM is crucial so that EVERYBODY can feel good at the same time. You can't do that when you are competing.
