Corri: I'm going to respond to you here, so as not to tie up Jenny's thread. Thank you for taking the time to write all that out.
Quote: he doesn't really feel needed by you. There is nothing he can do that you can't... except determine when you'll have sex. That is the ONE thing you need him for because he knows you won't go take care of yourself. Yet... you try to control the sex thing, too.
Very astute. I really can't say that I don't need him. Imo, we are actually a good match. There are so many things I don't know how to do (or am just flat out not good at) that he is in charge of. When we first married, he had to totally take over the finances cause I had made such a mess of them. He is finishing our basement right now and is really doing an outstanding job, which I let him know at every turn. However, what you are talking about is whether it is his perception that I do not need him. Maybe so. He very well might think that I don't. I'll say this, though Corri: He WANTS to not need me more than I ACTUALLY don't need him. I have no idea if that made any sense but it does to me as I type it, lol.
Here is an example of my neediness: D2 poops, decides to wipe herself, (I am nursing baby and hollering "stay seated, I'll be right there!") and stuffs dozens of wipes in the toilet and clogs it up. Then she stands there and flushes repeatedly and causes poop water to shoot all over the bathroom. The water was running out of the bathroom and threatening to go in the hall, that's how much there was of it. I should add the MOST important detail of all here: My H threw the plunger away about two years ago because "they are gross". (dumbass, but I digress..) So I had no choice but to plunge my ARM down the toilet, grab the wipes and a stray turd while more poopy water is spraying me. That didn't work. Finally, I fling open the lid of the toilet and manually make the water stop, though it was still hopelessly clogged. Then I loaded 3 kids up, drove to Walgreens and bought a dang plunger and came home and fixed it in about 4 seconds. Then I began Operation Cleanup. But not before I called H and absolutely BAWLED him out on the phone. You wanna know what I was most mad about? I didn't know what to do! After I calmed down and H got home, I said the following to him, channeling my inner little girl as best I could since he reacts to her much better than the beotch who called earlier: "H, I'm sorry I called you at work and screamed about the toilet. I was just mad because, H, I am not a plumber. I don't KNOW how to get the water to turn off even on a simple thing like a toilet. The plunger is the ONLY way I know how to fix a toilet. You take that away and I am left to fish turds out with my hands and sop up poopy water with towels. I am here 99% of the time to deal with these crises, you are not. I understand that plungers are gross, but that's my 'tool' to fix these things." It was hard for me to: 1. Be nice about it. 2. Admit that I haven't the foggiest notion about plumbing and I knew that what I did was making it worse. But I did it. So I don't think that my H would have much of a case about not being needed, but again it might be his perception. (incidentally, you can bet your sweet ass--and I know it's sweet, LOL--that I will be getting a book on Basic Plumbing next visit to the library)
Quote: The two of you have got the psychological tug-o-war going on over who is going to control the sex in the HP Household.
Oh man do we ever. We would both agree wholeheartedly with that statement.
Quote: You are not starved for sex, dear. You are starved for control and WINNING, and for whatever reason, you LOVE beating men at their own game. You will match sexual steps with any man or die trying.
You're right; I'm not starved for sex and I haven't been for a long time. But I once was. And yes I do love control and winning even more, but I am not a type A personality--maybe an A minus, lol. I am not driven in any area of my life except this one. This is my pet project these days. As far as keeping sexual steps with men, NO WAY. This thought process is just not something I possess. It has never even occurred to me, and nothing about it resonates with me whatsoever. I really don't care what men do; it is, unfortunately, much more about my own vanity and how DARE my H not find me attractive. While I was working, I had no desire to one-up the fellas. Again, it was more about ME and wanting to advance myself in the workforce and less about proving anything to the gents. If anything I was much more competitive with the other ladies I worked with.
Quote: By turning this into a control issue, especially with the type of guy your H is, you are effectively contributing to the demise of his sex drive.
Corri, truer words were never spoken. This is the part where I hang my head in shame. I know this, I know this, I know this, and yet here I am like a dimwitted battering ram, charging forth with my humungous horns blocking my view of what I'm bashing--my own husband. It's like I think I can somehow convince him that this is the way to go, but really all I'm doing is forcing him to take his toys and go home.
Quote: YOU may see it that way, but your H certainly doesn't. And I'm willing to bet you have control over darn near everything -- even more than you realize. Your H loves you and would climb a mountain for you, and that scares the hell out of him.... he's scared of losing himself to you, lock, stock and barrel.... because if anything ever happened to you or your kids, it would destroy him.
Control over darn near everything, huh. Well, I really DO have control over the daily things..what we buy to eat, where we go out to eat, what clothes the children wear (or he wears, for that matter) but these are things that he doesn't care about. The BIG things in our lives--finances, cars, etc--are all him. He pretty much makes the big decisions unilaterally, and I don't like it, but not enough to make an issue of it. After all, he is eminently sensible and I mostly agree with him. The times when I haven't, well, I lived with it--I DO realize that I will not always get my own way, despite how I usually sound on the bb.
The last sentence: well this is the truest part of all. My H once said to me, "You love the kids, and I love you." This was rather enlightening to me, because in my mind I am the one hankering for his love, not the other way around. But I did realize that what he said was based on fear of: what will happen to me/us if something happens to her? Now, don't get alarmed..we've had the Sinking Boat discussion and, yes, he would save my children before me (or get drowned by me afterwards, lol) but I think that he feels, as you said, that he'd be destroyed without me.
Now, let me go back to the last sentence again:
Quote: because if anything ever happened to you or your kids, it would destroy him.
Here is where I get lost. After all, something IS happening to me and it is, quite honestly, not destroying him. I feel unhappy when my sexual needs are ignored and yet it is not destroying him. Is it that need thing again? Does he have a need to feel needed at such a high cost that he'd let everything go down the tubes just to make sure that I still need him? Am I the only one who thinks this is a risky and downright dumb strategy?
