No evidently I do not hate it enough that I would agree to become the primary initiator. I believe that hell will freeze over before that happens.
And that, my friends, is the reason I am still here. I am stubborn! Not only do I want frequent, quality sex but I want my H to agree to assume the Man role of the encounter, in more ways than the obvious. (this is the same thing as Jenny's psychological top)
However, H asked me last week to initiate 50% of the time and I am willing to do that. (and I do)
Would I feel desirable enough? No, because his words and gestures are usually not directed at me. They are jokes. Innuendo type things. He has a problem with the intense intimacy required to look at your partner and say, You are beautiful/sexy/delicious and I'd like to (fill in the blank). He is too self conscious and worries ENTIRELY too much about how he looks, how I will perceive him, etc. The thought of how I, his wife, will feel is barely a blip on his screen!
Weird, eh!
Update: Nice night last night. No fireworks of any kind. He had a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad day at work (this is becoming an everyday thing) and I did my best to alleviate the stress and facilitate the decompressing. At one point, during dinner, I looked at him and the thought flashed through my mind "What you need is a good fcuk." Truly, he did. He was mad and stressed and feeling like he was fighting a losing battle (in a business meeting, one person suggested doing something illegal and H was the only one to step up and say, Now wait a minute..so he was feeling isolated and disheartened too). I wanted to suggest this, but I didn't, because I realized quickly enough (thank goodness) that this would add more stress on him, not take it away. That is MY love language. I do believe that there is a huge benefit to physically ridding your body of tension, even when you are too stressed to feel 'horny', but anyway my point is: I chilled out and loved him the way he likes best.
Which involved cleaning and bustling around and folding laundry, etc. Yuck!
