There are a lot of positives in my marriage these days. The positives outnumber the negatives by about 100 to 1. My H is making a tremendous effort to be a sexy guy. He is forgetful and clueless but he does mean well. I need to keep this in mind.
As the day wears on, I am feeling very upbeat about things. I think I just needed to get a little LDH rant off my chest.
One good bit of info (I think maybe Barney referenced this the other day?) from the Gottman book was to say 5 positive things to your mate for every 1 negative thing you say. Most days I don't say anything negative at all to my mate but on one of "those" days, I more than make up for it.
Another random tidbit: I was reading on symptoms of low testosterone in older men and a couple of the items listed were restlessness, irritability and a greater risk for heart disease. This describes H's father to a tee. So I will press on for the T test even if he asserts that his sex drive is fine and normal. (which it quite possibly is and I am just insatiable, who knows) My gut feeling is that his hormones are fine but I want it checked nonetheless. Since we've been married, I've had this irrational fear about my H's health. I have no idea where this came from, I don't even worry about my kids' health in this way. So me badgering him to get the test will seem completely normal to him. He only goes to the doctor about once every 5 yrs.
Oh and Mike, he had to pull over last weekend while driving because he was so dizzy that he didn't feel safe driving. YEAH and the growing lump on his skull has nothing to do with that??
Good for you for stoking up your PMA. It sounds to me as if you have made tremendous strides in your relationship over time and that your H loves you very much. BTW- How old is your H?
Btw, I realized I did not respond to your earlier question: He prefers that I am right there with him, so if I don't want to watch The Comancheros (or whatever) then he would just as soon I read a book.
Sounds lovely and romantic right? Wellllllll I think it has more to do with his own sense of guilt than anything else! He feels guilty if he knows that he is doing something that I don't want to do. I could care less but he puts so much pressure on himself. So he prefers that I am right there with him, thereby alleviating his guilt (??).
Anyway, he's a piece of work.
My PMA is doing okay but it took a mild hit about 5 minutes ago when my MIL called and informed me that I keep my house too hot. I managed to bite my tongue and refrain from saying that if I was carrying an extra 100 lbs, I'd feel hot in here too. (btw, I checked while on the phone with her and it is set on 67)
OMG I go through thermostat wars with H all the time. MIL has not been to our house in years, mostly because she lives in florida, so thank goodness I don't have to listen to her. lol. He keeps the heat up and I can't stand it hot. We have kind of come to a compromise, well in his mind we have, he has agreed not to put plastic on my windows in my bedroom or bathroom.... lol I am in my BR every morning with the window opened trying to breathe, OOOO and I also have my vent in there shut off.
If everyone in your house is comfortable, then heck with the MIL
My H is 39. I am 37. I will be interested to follow what happens with your H's test if he actually takes it.
Yeah - I think my H likes that whole "being together, relaxing, watching tv" deal as a way to alleviate his guilt about not spending time the way I prefer. However, if I read then it isn't really "together" and he knows it.
Sorry about the MIL - I guess the temp of your home is your own *&&^ business.
Karen
PS Just got an e-mail from H. He needs to come by my office in the next 2 weeks (an hour from home) and suggested lunch and even included an innuendo about "visiting" an empty barn that is at a park near my office. Don't know if he will make good or not but hope springs eternal and I innuendoed back!
Update: I was ready to set a nice mood when H arrived last night, but he didn't give me the chance. He did it himself! He walked in the door and the first words out of his mouth were, "You look fantastic! You have really lost weight!" I was pleasantly surprised and jetted out the door to my WW meeting. (1.2 more lbs gone, yeah) The rest of the evening was nice, though I went to church so I was gone a good part of it. I think that when I am gone he misses me and this has lots of good effects on our R. I know that since I quit my job, I have become...well, not less interesting to him, but certainly more dependent on him, in his eyes. I look to him to bring the excitement through the door with him when he arrives. Also I am just HERE all the time. There is no chance for him to miss me, at this period in our lives.
Anyway the night was good and we went to bed. He started falling asleep and briefly woke himself up, only to begin telling me how tired he was, etc. I cut him off with a direct question on why he was telling me that (to stave off sex? To make conversation? what?) and we ended up ML.
But that is not what has prompted me to write this morning.
As I was reading ATLDave's thread, I thought to myself "Well shoot, I have that. I wonder why he feels successful and I don't." I realized it is because I have never set an end goal for this thing. There was never a point where I said to myself, I will consider myself successful when.........." I always thought I would know it when we arrived at that point. I don't know if this is true.
Yesterday I wrote something to Hairy that said my H hadn't indicated a strong desire to ML to me in a couple weeks. I thought about this comment later on in the day and realized, Well that's not true! He has done something sexual every single day and clearly wanted to initiate on Sat morning, but the kids were in bed with us, lol. I wonder how often I get this revisionist history thing going on? I am really going to have to concentrate on REALITY from now on. Also I need to make some end goals so that I will know when to stop. I always thought it would be instinctive but I don't know that that's true.
I also think that the Stigma of Initiation, as outlined by MrNOP, is what is haunting me still. I hate, no detest, waiting around all night wondering if he is going to make my day or not. All other issues in our marriage have been worked through to the satisfaction of both of us. This one thing..initiation...weighs so heavily on us that it is threatening to overshadow all the other good things we have going on.
I hate, no detest, waiting around all night wondering if he is going to make my day or not.
Do you hate it enough to be the primary initiator if your H still continues to make a gesture every day? Would you feel desirable enough not to allow that gulf of doubt to creep in? I am asking you this because I'm wondering how I would feel in your place and I'm not sure of the answer.
No evidently I do not hate it enough that I would agree to become the primary initiator. I believe that hell will freeze over before that happens.
And that, my friends, is the reason I am still here. I am stubborn! Not only do I want frequent, quality sex but I want my H to agree to assume the Man role of the encounter, in more ways than the obvious. (this is the same thing as Jenny's psychological top)
However, H asked me last week to initiate 50% of the time and I am willing to do that. (and I do)
Would I feel desirable enough? No, because his words and gestures are usually not directed at me. They are jokes. Innuendo type things. He has a problem with the intense intimacy required to look at your partner and say, You are beautiful/sexy/delicious and I'd like to (fill in the blank). He is too self conscious and worries ENTIRELY too much about how he looks, how I will perceive him, etc. The thought of how I, his wife, will feel is barely a blip on his screen!
Weird, eh!
Update: Nice night last night. No fireworks of any kind. He had a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad day at work (this is becoming an everyday thing) and I did my best to alleviate the stress and facilitate the decompressing. At one point, during dinner, I looked at him and the thought flashed through my mind "What you need is a good fcuk." Truly, he did. He was mad and stressed and feeling like he was fighting a losing battle (in a business meeting, one person suggested doing something illegal and H was the only one to step up and say, Now wait a minute..so he was feeling isolated and disheartened too). I wanted to suggest this, but I didn't, because I realized quickly enough (thank goodness) that this would add more stress on him, not take it away. That is MY love language. I do believe that there is a huge benefit to physically ridding your body of tension, even when you are too stressed to feel 'horny', but anyway my point is: I chilled out and loved him the way he likes best.
Which involved cleaning and bustling around and folding laundry, etc. Yuck!
