Hi John...I remember you. I think you shared with me a letter that you had written to your wife. And then I think things didn't turn out very well. How are you doing?
Oh, and HP will have to fill you in on whether she would consider it a "success" or not. Kind of depends on when you catch her.
Hi John, I had a baby on October 3rd of this year and H and I are trying to get things back on track. I don't know if you remember but he loses his desire for me when I am pregnant. Prior to that, we were working at our R for about a year and a half, trying to get a sex life going again. We were at a pretty good spot, relatively speaking..having sex 4+ times per week, having The Talk about once a month, and basically working through the kinks. This past pregnancy seems to have set us back a fair bit. We are not even at the level that we were at before I got pg! This is disappointing to me. I expected, I suppose, that we would be at least where we WERE and I was foolishly hoping that we had made even more progress, intimacy-wise, throughout this year even if the frequency had died down. Now we are working back to where we were and then I suppose we will keep on plugging.
I think my biggest issue now is trust. I want to trust him that he knows how important this is and that he won't let me down, but I am not quite there yet. So far, he has not earned that trust. He drops the ball big time if there is not the constant threat of my anger hanging over his head.
Positive changes in my life since you were here last: I had a beautiful little girl! H and I can talk even more freely and easily than we did then. I am more honest about what I really want and have stopped trying to protect him. H is much more affectionate in a sexy way. He is still awkward at times, but not ALL the time like he used to be. I speak H's love language fluently and do so often. This time last year, I was still too resentful to even try. And, finally, I am inching towards acceptance of my sexual life. There are LOTS of things that he has deemed off limits but the more time that passes the easier it is for me to live without them. Oh, one more thing: We are in talks about starting up a sex schedule. I think I may enforce it this week. Ok, two more things : He is going to the doctors next week and I hope he will address getting a testosterone check then. We'll see.
So....in conclusion, some pluses, some minuses.
Above all, I want forward movement. Any signs of backslides is making me nutty. As long as we are moving forward (even painfully slowly), I'm fine.
I am going to post my weekend update here since I am suspicious about starting new threads.
We had a great one. Now here is the unusual part: There was no sex.
What was different about this time, you ask? Well, for starters H was sexy and playful. He did an outstanding job of keeping the mood just right. Even though there was no time to ML, I still feel close to him. An interesting thing occured to me last night--I really didn't do that great of a job in meeting HIS needs this wkend. Not that he complained and I'll betcha dollars to donuts he didn't even notice, but in assessing my own behavior I see some areas that need approval. It really is a see-saw. When he pursues me, I stand back and enjoy it. Evidently he does the same. We need to get into a more balanced state of relational equilibrium where he gives, I give, he gives, I give. Don't get me wrong--we are old pros at living together and having a happy life. I'm specifically talking about the sexual R. It is in a constant state of imbalance.
At any rate, it was an excellent weekend and I'm looking forward to ML to him again soon.
Oh for all you who are wondering--yes we finally did the oral deed Thurs nite but I couldn't really enjoy it. I don't know that this will play much of a role in our future encounters. This whole episode has left a MAJORLY bad taste in my mouth. I cut him off after only a few minutes because that old Head East song was playing in my head "Saved my life, I'm going down for the last time.." Ok, that last part was an exaggeration, I didn't really hear that song, lol, (that was mostly for Choc's benefit:) but I couldn't enjoy it nonetheless. Oh well, I'm certain that we will find a way to work around it.
Here's that old friend of my sexual R, Performance Anxiety, making an appearance today.
I wrote H an email and he responded back, thanking me for my cheerfulness in spite of the fact that he "failed me" this weekend. Then he said that I confuse him b/c I am upbeat even though we did not ML.
I don't know how to convey to him that it really isn't the actual sex that makes me feel loved--it is the desire. If he wants to but just can't make it happen for one reason or another, I'm fine. I can drum up compassion with every cell in my body. Actually I don't even have to drum anything up--I'm on his side and in complete understanding. When there is no desire AND no action, then I am not on his side, nor do I understand his behavior. I have told him this in these words and yet, for him, it always comes back to the act and whether it happened or not and whether big momma got her O.
That is SO not what it's about for me!
Well, that's not entirely true, cause of course that is a big part of it.........but you know what I mean.
Quote: I don't know how to convey to him that it really isn't the actual sex that makes me feel loved--it is the desire. . . . , for him, it always comes back to the act and whether it happened or not and whether big momma got her O.
I don't know, HP. It's similar to when I tell my W that I want to be touched, I want to touch her, I want to lie naked next to her, and, oh yes, I'd like to make love to her; and then she comes back with, "it's always about sex." Is it that they are trying to over-simplify, or are they just not hearing us? I find it difficult to repeat myself for the 100th time.
Quote: Is it that they are trying to over-simplify, or are they just not hearing us?
You know, I don't know the answer to this one. I tend to believe that he HEARS me but doesn't believe me. He is stuck on a perception he has of me and is reluctant to ditch that thinking. Either he gets something out of believing that, or I am doing something to perpetuate it, or both.
I'm wondering if it's not that he's stuck on the way he sees things...assuming that his perspective should apply to you too. Which would go back to what you said of he see's you one way, but that's not how you really are.
I hate to keep using CeMar for examples....so if you read this Cemar...sorry. But it's like how he keeps saying things like...how he can't believe that touch couldn't be in someone's top 3 love languages and that it should be.
Well of course it should be one of the top 3 for her from his perspective, because it is one of the top 3 for him. Unfortunatley it's not that way for his W so he's he's either having a tough time grasping that as fact (if he's tried)...or he's simply completely unable to see things from her perspective...sometimes people really struggle with that.
That's kidn of what I'm working on with my H. In the past he's perceived me as he would have other women in his past...therefore he treated me accordingly. Now he's having to really learn who I am...it's a slow-going learning process, but he's learning.
That was clear in my mind...did it come across ok?
GEL
Actually, I think you're right. He does have a hard time understanding it and seeing it from my perspective. Part of that is because it IS a nuanced thing, you know?
For instance, he says he has desire for me all the time but just doesn't show it. So when I say to him "if you have desire, I will be okay, I just hate when there is no desire AND no action" he is confused. See, to him, desire is something vague and fluttering and desire to ME is something tangible and action-based. So when he was horny this weekend and caressed me and touched me, I knew that he wanted me. I felt it, it spoke to me and I felt loved and wanted. If he had simply felt a vague fluttering and done nothing with that feeling, I would have neither felt desired nor known about it at all.
But to him, these scenarios are--in practical terms--exactly the same. In both scenarios he wants me but does not take it to the next level, having sex. But to me they are world's apart. In the first scenario, he makes the effort to SHOW me that he wants me. He takes actual physical action and demonstrates that he wants me. It is, quite simply, not enough for me to trust that he has sexual feelings for me and that they are there, even if I am not seeing hide nor hair of them and we are also not having sex. Does that make me sound demanding and never-satisfied?
Here is the Honeypot Sexy Happiness Scale:
1. He is horny and initiates. ( highest score) 2. He is horny but we don't end up ML. ( feel loved and pleased with him) 3. He is not horny but initiates anyway. ( less satisfied but see it for the loving gesture it is) 4. He is not horny and doesn't initiate. ( do not feel loved or appreciated)
Now, I know you understand that this is not an everyday thing but an "over time" thing. If #4 happens repeatedly in a week, I will start to feel as if he doesn't care about me. Etc.
Anyway, back to the nuance thing. He sees the scenarios as being one and the same. They are not, to me. So when we are communicating I can't make him see the difference. Or, perhaps he does see it but plays dumb so that he doesn't have to be in the position of committing to showing his desire--he is uncomfortable doing that and has expressed that.
Who knows. I think my reply was even more confusing than your message, lol.
Maybe if we had a couple beers we'd be able to talk more coherently.
First of all, my kids are sick and I have been feeling...not sick necessarily..but a little under the weather, tired and not myself. I have also had little desire for sex the last 2 days or so. So it has been easy for me to be cheerful to H, in light of the fact that we have not ML since last week. I am grateful for this temporary loss of libido. I want more than anything to be accepting of my H and loving towards him, no matter what. I have a hard time with this when my body is freakin out. I do not mbate and am completely at his mercy for sexual release, as I've stated here many times. This is both good and bad!
At any rate, we had an excellent night and at the end of it we headed off to bed. I wanted to read some of my library books (Harry, I got a book about holiday customs and it turns out it was mostly Hanukkah celebration ideas and it was really fascinating to learn how different families celebrated this holiday) so I read in bed. He eventually fell asleep but not before mumbling something about he was about to fall asleep and he wanted to 'warn' me. (I felt mildly chagrined at this comment in my lower-libido'd state) I read for about 15 minutes and then laid down to sleep. H briefly stirred and mumbled something about sex and how it was different that I wasn't after him! Or something to that effect..he was sound asleep and I could barely hear him. Next thing I know he is initiating!
Now, you could make the argument that, when left alone, he is able to discover his own horniness or something like that. Yeah, maybe. I actually think, though, that it is the seesaw thing coming into play. He sensed that I didn't want anything from him, which for some reason (??) makes him pursue me. As usual my body sprang into life the minute he touched me, so that is not a concern.
It was very enjoyable and me being a bit standoffish seems to have a good effect on my love life.
If I were to do this permanently, now, it would cease to have that effect, but I need to remember that it does shake things up once in a while...makes me more interesting and not so predictable. And I say that not in a "I need to finagle more sex outta him" but in the sense that I am obligated to stay interesting to him, kwim? I could become a boring old crone but why do that. I absolutely love it when H surprised me with a comment or action that is out of his usual routine. I'm sure he feels the same way. Nothing drastic, mind, just enough to keep him on his toes every once in a while.
Now if my body would only cooperate more often in order to make me able to pull off the sexual mystery, it'd be great! I'm an open book when it comes to that...predictable as Big Ben.
