Hairy, As a woman, I can say that I absolutely relate to the feeling of "I hate men!" at times. And, as you know, I am a woman who genuinely LIKES men. I like almost everything about them and, for once, I am not talking in sexual terms. lol
However, I can tell you that when I am putting my D's in their carseats..leaning over into my trusty minivan with my back exposed...I hate men. I hate the feeling of fear. Can you honestly imagine what it's like to live in fear, HD? Not that I live in fear all the time, but when it hits it is so strong and severe that it takes a while to shake it off. These kids are dependent on me to protect them. As a woman and member of the weaker sex, I cannot do that. Instead I rely on luck and sensible living. (ie, I don't have my kids out in bad areas at nighttime, etc)
Even at the hardware store the other day, I was getting irritated at mankind. I was nursing the baby with the kids in the car while H ran inside. Hairy, EVERY time a man walked by in close proximity to our car, I felt the hairs go up. I would watch the guy with wariness until he was past. Now, these men looked like your typical suburban dads. But I don't care. I am a woman and I have 3 kids to defend. It is a very helpless feeling!
My grandmother is a wicked feminist, in the same vein as MrsHairy. She was married to a quiet man who let her run roughshod over him. Their daughter, my mother, is a feminist as well but to a MUCH lesser extent. After all, she got to watch her mother emasculate her beloved dad all those years. I take after my mother. I was a student of women's studies in college and there are times when I hate men. I know it is awful to say that but it's true. In addition to that, I never had a good role model for men growing up (as your wife can relate to) so it has taken me a long time to chill out and realize that my husband was not going to live up to the standards of manhood that I was accustomed to--he was going to exceed them.
The other night I had a conversation with my H that went like this: MrHP: Man I would be happy man if I had pizza rolls, beer, chips and salsa and a Star Trek movie. HP: If you had told me that on our first date, we wouldn't have had a second. (lol) MrHP: Yep and that's why I kept it a secret! HP: Hey wait a minute, I like chips and salsa and beer but you can have the other things. MrHP: Yeah if YOU had said you liked all those things on our first date, I wouldn't have asked you out for the second! (for the record, he didn't ask me out for the first, I did, but I digress) HP: Why is that? I would think you would have thought you hit pay dirt with a girl who liked all the stuff you do. MrHP: Nah, I wanted a traditional girl. HP: ( snorting with laughter) Is that what you think you got? MrHP: Actually you have turned out a LOT more traditional than I originally thought you were. You were quite a feminist when we first met and I had a hard time with that cause you acted like you hated men. But you have mellowed out a lot. HP: That's true. MrHP: Pass the chips.
I know you are rolling your eyes right now, thinking that MrsHD will never change and there is a good chance she won't. But it is possible that she may chill out a little, is it not? My grandmother never changed. She is still alive and kickin, though my grandpa died a year ago. Towards the end of his life, he would take people aside and plead his case: "I can't take it anymore. She is so mean. People think it's funny to hear her talk, but it's not when you have to live with it everyday." We felt sorry for him but what could we do? Emancipate him??!
Anyway, he is partly the reason why I encourage you to really stand your ground with her. My grandma slowly stole all of his power and masculinity over the years til he had given it all away and had nothing left. Then he was stuck listening to her sh*t for the rest of his days.
Oh and btw, she is disgusted that I recently had my 3rd child. She thinks my husband is behind "all those kids", etc, and no matter how many times I tell her that I am happy with my life decisions she thinks that I simply do not know any better. Hmph!
Anyway, hang in there. Has Mrs.HD ever considered the fact that by haranguing the perfectly wonderful men out there that she is inadvertently advancing the paternalistic agenda? If all the good guys out there are STILL reviled for the sins of their brothers then why should they continue to be good? Oh well, as you said, it's not really the core issue. Fear leads to anger for her...her fear of intimacy and abandonment leads to anger at all men, and by association and proximity, YOU.
